Thursday, March 16, 2006


When your child learns how to walk, you get an in-your-face lesson in the difference between knowledge and wisdom. A 1 to 3 year old child has the knowledge of how to reach things and go places, but not the wisdom to see the danger. Applying the brakes is totally a parent’s job, and it WILL wear you OUT. The reward comes many years later, when you see that child struggling his his own toddler. Meanwhile, your kid is learning about free will and how to throw his weight around, without the constraints of empathy or authority. Its enough to drive you stark raving bonkers. I had two toddlers at once, since my girls are very close in age. Lucky for me, I also had a Stay-At-Home-Daddy, who bore the brunt of the craziness... and the toilet training.

Toilet Training humor: The Constipation Song.

If you are experiencing your first toddler, you will need to read the biographies of the Teletubbies.

The barbed wire playpen is actually an art piece made by Jack Daws, titled "Mama Tried": Link

(Thanks, Neatorama!)

The Toddler Diet

Day One

* Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
* Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
* Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
* Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two

* Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
* Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).One ice cube, if desired.
* Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
* Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

Day Three

* Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
* Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up
* Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

Final Day

* Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
* Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
* Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hands, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a week ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.
If it it's near me, it's mine.
If it's broccoli, it's yours.

Was that funny?


Toddlers are more likely to eat healthy food if they find it on the floor. - Jan Blaustone

There are hundreds of different toliet training methods - probably because none of them work. - Bruce Lansky

Reasoning with a two year old is about as productive as changing seats on the Titanic - Robert Scotellaro

Don't tell your two year old she's driving you nuts. She just might say, 'Mama nuts', to everyone she meets. - Jan Blaustone

Nothing brings out a toddler's devotion to a toy she has abandoned more quickly than another child playing with it. - Robert Scotellaro

Thought for today: May you be cursed with children just like you!

PS For those of you so inclined, here's a prayer request.


Saur♥Kraut said...

My mother gave me the same curse, and it came true. Ahhh, I love kids. But I'm glad I had just one that I had to take through the baby stage. My fave Ann Landers column of all was about the childless couple.

Havril said...

Wow, the pic of that playpen brings back a lot of memories. I didn't know they still made those.

Joel said...

The barbed-wire playpen is wonderful. Do you know where I can get one of those? It woudn't actually confine my little Destructo-Matic, but it might slow him down long enough to load the tranquilizer gun.

Anonymous said...

The barbed wire playpen is actually an art piece made by Jack Daws, titled "Mama Tried": Link