Tuesday, February 28, 2006

February's Best Links

Looks like the scanners have been getting quite a workout! Have you notices, there are a lot of childhood pictures posted on blogs lately. There are almost NO childhood photos of me, due to a complete and total housefire not long before I left for college. However, I recently found this rare photo among my husbands' keepsakes. Its the little hippy-chick Miss Cellania as a young teenager. Once again, I am willing to totally embarass myself for your amusement. And since its the last day of the month, its time for an index and a "best of" post.

February was a good month for this site. The Olympics brought a ton of visitors, all looking for footage of athletes slipping and sliding on the ice and snow, even though it was a January post. My Funny Valentine was also a hit. Fun with da Net was the post with the most hits, and Size Matters was the one most discussed. February also brought the end of my smoking habit. Thanks to so many of you who have offered advice and support. I had no idea how many ex-smokers I know! I still have a problem loading any blogspot.com site. I consulted some of the geekiest people on the planet, and they are all stumped. The most common explanation is that someone put a hex on my computer. That doesn't stop me! You may also notice I am trying to improve the looks of my bargain-basement template. That can be dangerous for someone as tech-ignorant as I am, so if the whole thing goes kablooey, I may be calling up the geek squad again for help!

What?! An entire month goes by and NO political posts? Must be something wrong with me. No, I'm not sleeping with the other side... not sleeping with anybody. Bummer. I'll have to start working on a political humor post real soon.

We interupt this post to bring you greetings on Mardi Gras, Pancake Day, Shrove Tuesday, or whatever you call the last day before Lent.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled post.

Numa Numa spoof by CS6 crew of Navy USS Enterprise.
Photo Booth Prank from the Tonight Show.
Music Video: Bush and Blair at the Gay Bar.
Video of Los Angeles at night.
Torn, performed in mime.
A man with three balls.
Broke Mac Mountain.
Brokeback to the Future.

How a man can win an argument with a woman.
Leonard Nimoy Photography (contains nudity).
What happens to husbands who misbehave.
Masturbate for Peace.
The best thing I have read on how men can attract women.
Does My Ass Look Fat In These Pants?
When pigs fly: A photo essay.
Johnny posted about some Texas tidbits he toasted.
Here’s the link to my little map, please plant yourself somewhere.
The best blonde joke ever.
Prydwen on what impresses a woman.

Dick Cheney’s Quail Hunt Game.

Make your own South Park character at Planearium.
The Death Psychic.
Here's my Muglet.
Try this 3D Face Generator.
Anagram Genius.
Can you tell someone's race by looking? Take the test.
Write your name in Egyptian heiroglyphics!
Create A Graph program.
Charles Vestal’s quailhunt story generator.
Determine your energy patterns through your name.
At Reincarnation Station, find out whether you'll come back as a lower life form.

Adam and Eve
Carnival of Crazy
Fun with da Net
Groundhogs and Other Critters
Links!Links and Sore Sages
Literary Mama
Mars and Venus: Crossed Signals
Mars and Venus: Seeking
Middle Age
My Funny Valentine
Sith Happens
Size Matters
Star Trek

Check this new sidebar button. It links to this site. If you want, I'll send you the code.

miss cellania

February's Best Thought for Today:
We'd be much more successful if we would stop trying to find the perfect mate, and start trying to be the perfect mate.

Monday, February 27, 2006


Prior to her trip to The South West, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip..

1. She wanted to taste some real Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"


Stop here and enjoy the flash animation Rodeo Baby.

Gallery of Little Buckaroos.

Cowboy wisdom.

Rodeo one-liners.

Cowboy theme songs and other stuff.

Please Buy Me A Bra

by cowboy poet, Larry Connely

You know, I've never been much for shopping
In fact I try to stay away from town
Except when shipping time comes,
I ain't easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, when I done the things I needed
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.

I walked right up to the sales clerk
I didn't hem or haw
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gives me a disgusted look
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display
Well I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well I finally make my mind up
Picked a black and lacy one
I told the lady,
"Bag it up," And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"Six and seven eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh yes ma'am, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I use to measure with,
I figured it was fair
But If I'm wrong I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured
I gave the gal her pay
I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"


I just couldn't get away with ignoring the movie if I'm going to feature cowboys. Still haven't seen it. I was surprised that the movie actually was shown in my tiny town, but I can't make myself hire a babysitter so I can go to a movie alone.

Broke Mac Mountain.
Brokeback to the Future.
Brokeback Goldmine.
Clever Brokeback poster.
Brokeback Muppets.
Brokeback Mountain scenes rendered in Legos.
Willie Nelson has released a new gay-themed cowboy song, named Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other.


A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Thought for today: I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them. -John Wayne, in The Shootist

Sunday, February 26, 2006


I don’t want to make fun of people, really. When I was a kid, there were all kinds of jokes that played on the assumption that a certain ethnic group was just plain dumb. Today, with joke services originating around the globe, I can name the “scapegoat” group used for jokes in dozens of countries. But I won’t. However, it seems to still be politically correct to make fun of dumb blondes. Maybe this is because just about all blondes are blonde on purpose. It not an accident of birth for which we are innocent parties like, say, being a Texan. We add the Clairol Chlorox in an effort to compete with the supermodels, ingenues, and porno queens who are held up as paragons of beauty. Meanwhile, the chemicals are leaching into our craniums and destroying cells at an amazing rate. Yeah, right. Y’all just go on thinking that, because it makes it easier for me to tell jokes about someone who is just plain dumb.


Three women escape from a penitentiary. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They run for miles and finally come to a barn, they decide to hide in some potato sacks. An hour later a sheriff and his deputy arrive at the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to check the sacks. He kicks the first sack with the brunette in it. "Bow-wow!" says the brunette. "There's a puppy in this one!" says the deputy. So he kicks the second sack which the redhead in hiding in. "Meow!" says the redhead. "Sheriff there's a kitty in this one!" So he goes to the third sack with the blonde and kicks the sack. Nothing. So he kicks it a second time. The blonde replies, "Potatoes!"


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away ..........Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????”


A woman was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" said her friend.

"Hellooooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!"

You Are a Golden Blonde

Men see you as flirty and fun, yet deep and thoughtful
You've got all the pizzazz of a blonde...
With the intensity of a brunette


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

THE BAR JOKE (Thanks, Eva!)

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. The guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

4 - The guy sitting next to me is a blonde Marine.

5 - The guy to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Bedding set. (lifted from Wulfweard)

Microsoft Word for Blondes.

A DVD rewinder! How thoughtful!

The best stuff is always at the bottom of the post. The best blonde joke ever.

Thought for roday: I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Goodbye, Barney

Don Knotts

Links All Around!

The big event at our house this week was the addition of a new family member! Yes, we have broken the Testosterone-Free Zone by taking in a stray tomcat Tuesday. Not really a stray; I’m pretty sure he was dumped here because at about 12 weeks, he’s just a tad old to easily find a home for. My daughter opened the front door to investigate all that meowing and he just strode right in, determined to stay.

Me: Its a little boy!
Daughter: How can you tell?
Me: Look! He’s got itty-bitty cajones!
Daughters: Ooooh!

This little tiger isn’t the least bit shy about telling you what he wants, either. “I want to be petted by you, and you, and then you, and then I want to stick my face in that soup you are eating. Then I’ll hiss at that big girl cat. Then you may pet me again.” So we are back to kitten mode, meaning I have to eat with one hand, while holding the kitten to the floor with my other hand or a foot, and keep the toilet lid down, and double up on the catbox duty.

My girls tried out a couple dozen names for him. They've pretty much settled on "Biscuit". And then they put a pink ribbon around his neck. The things a tomcat will put up with just to get some kibble and a kid to sleep with!

So here are some links for your enjoyment. I had twice this many, but trimmed way back so I wouldn’t take up so much of Hoss’ time.

Music video featuring lots of people dancing. They aren’t good at it. About as funny as you’d imagine!

At Reincarnation Station, you can answer a few questions and find out whether you deserve to come back as a lower life form. My results said I would come back as a zebra. 23% of people scored higher. I believe those people lied.

That crazy woman from the Trading Spouses clip I posted last month? She has her own website.

Music video: Torn, performed in mime. I dare you to not laugh!

Blog of the week: Jerk Of All Trades looks at the Foreigner song Urgent. Make something funny out of the simplest idea. Thats what I like.


A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:"This is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

A man with three balls. This video is worth the load time just to hear The Beatles doing Golden Slumbers, and the juggling is impressive, too!

Determine your energy patterns through your name.

Imaginative photography. Outside of that, there is really no way to describe this.

Strange, ugly, and funny animals.

The scientific approach to swimming in syrup.

Sam’s Mailbox Pictures is a large gallery of imaginative, artistic, and/or outrageous mailboxes.


An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order.

O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have the cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber..There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with the AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."


From the Day Late department: a cartoon entitled Size Matters.

For men who had a problem with Valentine’s Day and the obligation to shower your lover with useless tokens of affection, your payback is March 20th. However, if you didn’t DO the Valentine thing, you’re probably not going to celebrate in March, either.

Thought for today: All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.

Friday, February 24, 2006


It was my first visit to the doctor’s office (for myself) in several years. I never did see the doctor, but I got all the neccessary tests, scheduled a mammogram, and picked up the prescription I wanted (a stop-smoking aid) with no trouble. Well, I did have to listen to a lecture about waiting so long to get a checkup. After you burn off your sick days, personal days, and vacation days in order to take your spouse and your kids to the doctor, the dentist, the optometrist, the orthodontist, the cardiologist, the pediatrician, and the allergist... it really isn’t easy to squeeze in a non-emergency checkup for yourself. So I needed to get all the good out of this last visit as possible.

And I forgot to ask for Retin-A. Figures.

But I was inspired to construct a post about doctors and medical stuff. Hope you enjoy it!

Medical students have opportunities for pranks far beyond what other people could pull off.

What do people die of? The answers are in the Death Counter.

If Dr. Suess wrote for ER.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
(Thanks, Liz!)

• "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
• "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
• "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
• "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
• "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
• "Oops!"
• Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
• "Damn, there go the lights again...."
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
• "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!

NASTY VIRUS (lifted from Wulfweard)

A man returned from Africa feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a range of tests.

The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed was ringing.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."


The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been
going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really
need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like
this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle,"
the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, just 5 bucks. PLEASE, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about
it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."


Thought for today: An apple a day keeps the doctor away (like he was ever going to come to you). So if you’re looking to hook up with a doctor, STAY AWAY from the apples!

P.S. Almost three weeks and I still haven't even bummed a puff of a cigarette. Those closest to me are amazed, because they've seen me try and fail before. This is different. I still want one all the time, but I'm under control.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Carnival of Crazy

Hi there! This is one of those "more insane than usual" posts. It has to be, because its the Carnival of Crazy! They do this every two weeks, at a different site. I've added a couple carnival buttons to the lower part of the sidebar, one where you can see archives of previous Crazy Carnivals, and one where you can submit a link for the next one. Thanks to FileItUnder for all the help in getting this together.

Hubs and Spokes was impressed with the 3-D art rooms, like I was when I posted it a few weeks ago. But its still worth a look-see!

Despite the name, Personal Finance Advice has a roundup of genuinely funny stories.

Some funny Photoshop fun in Romancing the Novel.

Gay penguin update: The chick flick they picked for a date turned out to be Brokeback Mountain. Germany's gay zoo penguins still fending off female advances.

Bonanza Jellybean relates what happens to husbands who misbehave. Not for the squeamish. You’ve been warned.

El Jacek reminds us of the Cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Kirby wonders about the exact value of putting the toilet seat down. Lets tell him, ladies!

The Sqwib has some funny combined Winter Olympic Sports! Add this to my popular set of links about the Winter Games, including some other combined winter sports.

Worth another look, especially if you haven't seen it already: Size Matters.

This little dragon's eyes stay on you as you move. Be sure to see the video at the bottom of the page. And make your own. This is crazy!

Photo Booth Prank from the Tonight Show. Hysterical!

Its an age-old controversy that still burns today: Should sex crimes against animals merit a sex offender registration? How would that protect animls?

The Bird Man found this Boingboing post about Cheney’s hunting adventure rendered in Legos!

Hoss got a real kick out of the things students "learn" in school these days.

Here is one of my favorite music videos, We Didn't Start the Fire.

Ed found this link on Carl’s blog: Masturbate for Peace. Contains nudity. Don’t click it if you will be offended. (Whaddayawanna bet this is the number one link clicked today?)

The Carnival of Crazy comes out somewhere every other Wednesday, so the next one would be March 8th. If you think you can do a better job of hosting the Carnival of Crazy, or if you’d just be willing to give it a try, contact FileItUnder at carnivalofcrazy@gmail.com If you have something you’d like to submit for the next carnival, click this button for a submission form.

Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of crazy

Thought for today: An insane asylum cannot be a success if it is run by sane people.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I love movies, especially old classic movies. Anytime I must name one favorite, Casablanca is the easy answer. Released in 1942, it won three Academy Awards, including Best Picture. Casablanca is an old-fashioned epic, spanning genres the way a big film is supposed to. Yes, its a chick flick, because it contains an honest-to-goodness tear-jerking love story. Its also an action film, pitting Nazis against freedom fighters, corrupt cops against the little guy, and the forces of World War II against our sense of justice. There are some wonderful political lessons here. I still get a lump in my throat when I hear the bar version of La Marseillaise. Its the classic struggle between honor, duty, and emotion. And there are some really funny characters and lines. The acting is wonderful, the setting is exotic, the tension is real. What else could you ask for? OK, maybe a joke or two, so I’ll give you those.

For movie buffs, here is a ton of Casblanca info.

A (somewhat) Yiddish parody of “As Time Goes By” entitled “A Bris is Still a Bris”.

Play It Again chess game, recreating the match between Bogie and Peter Lorre in the movie. Supposedly the toughest chess game on the internet.

Not just my opinion: What Makes Casablanca great.


So I took a quiz to see which Casablanca character I resemble. This one was pretty much movie-oriented.

You are Ilsa Lund Laszlo!
You are Ilsa Lund Laszlo. You are beautiful and
brave but not good with firearms. You look
good in big hats and have a thing for tough
American barkeeps. Too bad you married a
European dude.

Which character in Casablanca are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

OK, then I took a completely different quiz and got the same result. This quiz has more to do with your political opinions.

You are Ilsa Lund. "Is that cannon fire, or
is that my heart pounding?"

Which Casablanca character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Top 9 Rejec
ted Lines in Casablanca

9> "If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But certainly once the Paxil wears off."

8> "Play it, Sam. Play The Safety Dance."

7> "You must remember this... A Kiss is just four freaks in whiteface..."

6> "We'll always have Burning Man."

5> "Oh Rick, I'm so confused! You'll have to do the thinking for both of us. Duuuuuh yup, yup, yup."

4> "Of all the Orange Juliuses in all the malls in all the world, she walks into mine."

3> "The actions of three little people don't amount to the gas you get from eating a hill of beans in this crazy world."

2> Bogie4952stud: herez lookin @ u, kid :-) lol

and the Number 1 Rejected Line in "Casablanca"...

1> "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a codependent relationship with poorly defined boundaries."

Thought for today: It doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Adam and Eve

What a wonderful story, full of symbolism (apple, snake, fig leaves), the struggle of good vs. evil, a beautiful garden for a setting, and nudity! What else could you ask for? With this as a first story, the Bible just grabs you and sucks you right in. A guaranteed best seller. And when you start peeling the layers back (like Shrek), you find more layers of meaning.

Tish published an Interview with Adam, part one and part two.

Hoss on the Garden of Eden.

Many different theories of Creation.

Belief-O-Matic -- A personality quiz about your religious and spiritual beliefs.


One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'

'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.

'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy'

'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.

'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and
all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'

'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you.'

'What's a 'woman', Lord?'

'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she
can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive
and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.

'Sounds great.'

'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'

'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.

'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
left testicle.'

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'

The rest, as they say, is history.


Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well ...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."


Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was, "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit.." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Thought for today: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.