Thursday, May 11, 2006

Come see my new site!

I have set up a new site at Miss Cellania. I had thought about getting a new hosting service for a while, and I opened a Squarespace account about 24 hours before Blogger went kaput on me. When this site froze up (I couldn't post, I couldn't change the settings, I COULD leave a comment, but the comment count stayed at "one" for the day), I had to hurry up and throw the new site together, so its still a little raw. But my brother finally made me some banner art, and you're all invited over for new content!

This site (I hope) will stay up long enough for me to import the old files. I haven't been able to do that yet, so if you are looking for a previously published subject, you can find an index here.

Thank you for your time and patience! And be sure to tell others about the new address.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Every year, as I have for I-don’t-know-how-many years, I worry about what to get my mother for Mother’s Day. Nothing ever seemed special enough or personal enough for the woman who is my hero more than any other person. She came from a family that was so poor they didn’t even brag about it like so many do. She left home by herself at 17 to become the first college student in the family, on full scholarship. She raised her two kids plus her two youngest brothers, worked, earned a Masters degree, nursed my dad through many illnesses, then after his death she “retired” and joined the Peace Corps. Now, at an age where there are 50 women to every man, SHE has a steady boyfriend. I only wish I could be half the woman she is.

And every year, I have to stop and remember that I am a mother now, too! I joined the club late, in an unorthodox manner, but I have to get the proof out of bed and off to school every morning. So I also get to enjoy the angst my daughters go through trying to find (or make) the perfect Mother’s Day gift.


* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

* You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting,and walking the dog.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

You might enjoy this Mother’s Day game: Don’t Make Mama Cry. (via Arbroath)

Check out the Mother’s Day Shrine.

Gifts you should NOT give for Mother’s Day.

Johnny Dain’s Mother’s Day Gift Ideas.

Mamacita suggests some Mother’s Day Fun Gifts.

THE MOMMY TEST (Thanks, Jeanine!)

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

A Mothers' Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. to do the FEEDING

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY: The art of spacing your children the proper PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Elementary school age children answered the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

GOD could not be everywhere. That's why he made mothers. -Jewish Proverb

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? -Milton Berle

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job. -Roseanne Arnold

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease -Lisa Alther

The phrase 'Working Mother' is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Thought for today: It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.


No, I’m not there yet, but in the AP circles I hang with, I hear a lot about menopause. Women discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly, not to mention the horrifying! But you have to laugh, because our great-great-grandmothers didn’t live long enough to experience the joy of “The Change.” And our grandmas didn’t have HRT. We had a lot of laughs figuring that I’d be dealing with menopause at approximately the same time my two daughters go through puberty. Uh oh, I think I may have just destroyed any chance of a long-term relationship with a man!

I witnessed a hot flash just the other day. A woman was reading the scripture at Sunday School when she stopped and said "I'm going to have a Little Summer here." Immediately, three other women reached into their purses, retrieved fans, and starting fanning her! Sisterhood rules!

Menopause: Is it really for you? Like we have a choice! But this is a good, if somewhat twisted, primer on "The Change”.

Omegamom on hot flashes.

Sue created an entire blog about it: My Menopause Blog.

Beer may help. At least they are working on it!

Minnie Pauz has lots of funny menopause links.

I found a gift shop for menopausal women who want to be in “Flashion”.

There’s even a Broadway musical about it.

Daddio came across the male equivalent.

(Thanks, Jeanine!)

I can almost feel myself losing forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end. I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be...
Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know- it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

(Thanks, Del!)

Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my
mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm
in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me diamonds. Here, have some chocolate.

Thought for today: I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. -Erma Bombeck

Monday, May 08, 2006

Sex and the Senior Citizen

Nobody wants to give up the good stuff just because they get old! However, sometimes you have to make allowances for bodies that no longer do what they once did. And there’s that pesky little business about men who die off too early and leave a shortage for us women. But if you can get past that, more power to ya! The Baby Boomer generation, who now stares old age in the face, is trying to hold back the hands of time by sheer willpower... and doing a pretty good job of it!

A senior love story.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

"OLD" IS WHEN. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Love making tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial beforeyou begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6 Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice


Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so large!" The first old lady accidentally blurted out, "And cold, too!"


There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag. "The Cambridge Distorter" told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.



So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"


With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD BOTH OF US?"


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single...”


There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Previously on Miss Cellania: Old Folks

Thought for today: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia


Rocky Jay wrote a post about the Three Stages of Blogging. According to this, by the time you resort to posting links, your blog is on its deathbed. Oy. Mine started out that way. And (horrors) if you blog about blogging, thats even worse. Well, he did it, so I can do it. Since I’m on my deathbed anyway, why not let it all hang out! But seriously, the goal here is to not take it too seriously. Have I ever been serious here? OK, maybe once, but I can’t FIND a serious post, and I looked, for about 90 seconds.

The Top 500 blogs. And honestly, does the world really need more than 500?

The dullest blog in the world. I guess he found his niche.

Deciphering Bloggers tries in vain to make sense out of various blogs, with utter strangeness ensuing. See what he got out of mine!

Some blogs have a test to make sure a commenter is a real person. What if we had a test to make sure a commenter is a SMART person?

The Ego in Blogging. I don’t understand hardly any of this. But I’m blonde, so its OK!

If you are a blogger with any shred of self-importance left, check out this glossary. It will cure you! But if you still think you‘ve got it going, the folks at I Talk Too Much will glady take you down a peg or two.

Rocky Jay and I aren’t theonly ones to resort to blogging about blogging. Its an epidemic! Check out FTS on the blogging process. And the science/religion of Bloggintology, by Monty. Driftglass opines on the real value of your hit counter. And here’s The Blue Skunk on Blogorrhea (noun. An unusually high volume output of articles on a blog).

What do a bunch of bloggers do when they get together face to face? Run Girl Run has the photographic evidence. So does Hoss.

Steve Covell wrote about the Three Stages of Blog Awareness. Then Joi Ito took it one step further and described Blog Addition. Some people are suffering horribly from it. Then Wulfweard came up with a recovery program:

12 Step Program of Recovery for Blog Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Blogging.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Blog-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy Blogging.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and my Blog will always be there tomorrow!

A cottage industry has grown up around bloggers and their addictions. You can shop at the No One Cares About Your Blog store. Mommy Needs Coffee sells the I Will Blog You t-shirts. She might need to try Blogger’s Blend coffee.

This wonderful, inspiring, and talent-laden (not to mention humble) post would not be complete without some lists. So read the Top Ten Blogger Lies, and the Top Ten Reasons Nobody Reads Your Blog.

Your Blogging Type is Social and Responsible

You enjoy blogging and do all you can to advance the blogging community.
From helping friends set up blogs to getting rid of spam - you take a leadership role.
A super blogger, you tend to blog regularly. You'd hate to disappoint your audience.
And always appropriate, there's no way you'd blog something too personal!

Thought for today: I blog, therefore I am a blogger. What?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Pillsbury Doughboy

It it weren’t for Arbroath, I would never get any news from the outside world. Thats what its like when you are unemployed. I’m staying busy baking cookies and brownies for the kids, and getting fatter by the day. I was shocked to find that the Pillsbury Doughboy was kidnapped! Luckily, the story has a happy ending.

But this is not the first time it has happened!

Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped

By John Breneman

In a brazen act of culinary-political terrorism, masked intruders armed with razor-sharp butter knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy from the heavily guarded Pop "n" Fresh compound in Crescent City, California.

No group has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy, the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the sole heir to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note scrawled in chocolate frosting at the scene demanded that four dozen unmarked fudge brownies and $50 million be deposited in a Danish bank account.

The FBI reportedly is investigating several leads -- including whether Pillsbury archrival Duncan Hines is in any way involved. A source close to the Doughboy said he was in possession of a new secret recipe for a no-calorie bundt cake at the time he was snatched.

According to an anonymous FBI informant known only as John Dough, other possible suspects include Betty Crocker, a Pillsbury subsidiary whose own line of mouth-watering baked goods was often overshadowed by the ubiquitious Doughboy. Federal investigators are also looking into a possible connection between the Pillsbury kidnapping and the nearby heist of an armored Brink's truck filled with dough.

The only witness to the abuduction was one of the Doughboy's bodyguards, who reportedly saw a dark, late-model sedan racing away from the Pillsbury compound and thought he heard plaintive, high-pitched squeals of "Hoo, hoo!" coming from inside the vehicle.

The Pillsbury Doughboy. Yes, you can poke him!

Its even more fun to poke him here.

The Dancing Doughboy. If you think you can choreograph this better, you can design your own Doughboy Dance.

The Doughboy photo album.

His fan club.

When you are a big star, there are always outtakes circulating.

There was that one really embarassing moment caught on tape.

And sometimes its not so easy to make everyone happy.

OBITUARY (Thanks, Eva!)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and described Doughboy lovingly as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He also is survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Thought for today: Nothing says lovin like somethin from the oven.

Plastic Surgery

Who doesn’t want to look better? Who wants to have surgery when your life or health doesn’t depend on it? Big difference there, huh? It amazes me the length some people will go to make a small improvement on what they’ve got. If you ask me, putting a smile on your face and a song in your heart will make you look 100% better with no anaesthesia and no capital outlay. And the risk is minimal. Now, with plastic surgery, there are always risks, and when things go wrong, it will be much harder to put a smile on your face, muchless a song in your heart. Take a look at Awful Plastic Surgery!


A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."


Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing
going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for
the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same
result without surgery."

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."


There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin ... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognise you."

GUESS MY AGE (Thanks, Eva!)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Thought for today: Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

PS. I've had four people tell me this site fries their browser since Wednesday. Three are using IE and one says she's using yahoo/att (is that a browser?). Anyway, I deleted Wednesday post, then stripped my sidebar, and there is still a problem. I'm not much of a geek, so I need your suggestions! Yeah, I told them to switch to Firefox, but still....

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Location, location, location

All the sudden I have found myself “between jobs”, or as most would say “unemployed”. I prefer the term “opportunisticly blessed”. I just made that up. But it applies. I can pack up and go anywhere, since I don’t have a mortgage. My family is portable. The property I own lost most of its charm when the neighborhood lost most of its trees. I feel ready for a change of location.

Where to go? I am open for suggestions. I do have a few requirements. The city I move to must have:
1. Job opportunities in the media. I’ve been on air for more than half my life now, so it would be difficult to start over in a new field.
2. Racial diversity. My children are Asian.
3. A college or university nearby. That always seems to improve the attraction of a place for me. I like to be around people who are smarter than I am.
4. Cultural opportunities. I deserve that. So do my kids.
5. A cost of living lower than New York or California. No matter where I go, it will be higher than it is here, but I cannot go from one extreme to the other.
6. No flat land. I’m a hillbilly. The horizon gives me headaches.

I took an online test to see which city I should live in.

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Then I took another test called Find Your Spot. (Lifted from Kentucky Girl) Here are my personal results.

Portland, Oregon
Little Rock, Arkansas
Hartford, Connecticut
Honolulu, Hawaii
Baltimore, Maryland
Las Vegas, Nevada
New Haven, Connecticut
Washington, District of Columbia
Providence, Rhode Island
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Worcester, Massachusetts
Medford, Oregon
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Sacramento, California
Fayetteville, Arkansas
San Jose, California
Charleston, West Virginia
Boston, Massachusetts
San Francisco, California
Frederick, Maryland
Sheboygan, Wisconsin
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Salem, Oregon

Video: Americans try geography. (Thanks, Prydwen!)

My nine-year-old can tell you any of the US state capitals. I can, too, after I helped her study for the geography bee... which she WON. These games and quizzes are the BEST study aid for that sort of thing.

Mapping religion in America. Can you spot the Bible Belt? I knew you could. Read all about it and see more maps at Regions of Mind.

Cities ranked for safety and quality of life. For some reason, Baghdad is in the basement.

Maps of Canada, including the Erotic Map and the National Beer Map. (Thanks, Nerdine!)

Some of the better answers.

What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.

The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.

What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.

Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

Denver is just below the 'a' in Colorado.

They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.

The value of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.

The chief product of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.

The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.

Chicago is nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.

You Passed 8th Grade Geography

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Thought for today: Wherever you go, there you are.

Suggested so far:
Madison, Wisconsin (several votes)
Raleigh, North Carolina (sounds good)
Blightly, England (where?)
London, England (they would love MY accent!)
Austin, Texas (seems like an odd fit)
Denver, Colorado (got friends there)
Albuquerque, New Mexico (got friends there, too)
Portland, Oregon (thats a long way away)
Seattle, Washington (ditto)
San Francisco, CA (love it, just too expensive)
Little Rock, Arkansas (I'd fit right in)

Friday, May 05, 2006

Gas Pains

It occurred to me the other day that back when I first started driving, I could earn enough to fill my tank by working one hour at my minimum-wage job. Now I make way more than minimum wage (which has also risen), and it takes me about five hours of work to fill my gas tank. Granted, I have a bigger gas tank now in the Mamamobile, but that because I’m supporting a family. I also figured I am driving a LOT less now than when I was a teenager running the roads just to see where they went. Now I’m going to get all sentimotional about those days... (sniff) Excuse me, I’m feeling somewhat verklempt. Take a moment and read these jokes, and I’ll try to pull myself together.

Find the cheapest gas prices in your city. If you don’t live in a city, that's too bad!

If that doesn’t work, try this one. (Thanks, Beth!)

Is it worth the extra gas to drive across town for lower gas prices? Calculate it here.

Watch the video I Can’t Afford My Gasoline. (Thanks Linda!)

Prayer rally for lower gas prices.

Golden Lucy on gas prices.

25 ways to save money at the gas pump.

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

OIL SHORTAGE (Thanks, Ken!)

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!

The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices

10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices.
9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that.
7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us.
5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's.
4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee.
3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time.
1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather all over the Middle East.

by Greg Scott, with contributions from Mike Hildreth, Michael Yurko, and Robert Taft.

Thought for today: Public transportation is so shocking to the individual that it should only be done in private.