Fly Me!

I’m not afraid of flying, I just don't much like it. It just seems like a monumental hassle, and not too comfortable either (at least in coach). You have to book tickets way ahead of time, and shop around a lot just to get a decent fare. Then you have to get there way too early, undergo weird security checks, and pay $6 for a lousy cup of coffee. They squeeze you into a space built for the size Americans were 35 years ago (on a plane thats at least that old). Once upon a time, you’d get a horrible meal served, with alcohol to make it seem better. Now, you are lucky to get peanuts and a soda pop. But I don’t drink the soda if its a short flight, because I’ve been on too many flights with inadequate water for the bathrooms. But I can handle it. After that one 16-hour nonstop in coach with a 300 pound companion, I can handle anything!

Read all about airline meals at Airline Meals.You can even look up what’s going to be served on your flight!

Airtoons, actual airline safety messages with new and funnier captions.

Watch an Airbus being built in about seven minutes. Awesome video.

Story of the Flight from Hell.

Collection of over 400 stewardess uniforms.

Airport is a cartoon of an airplane trip using infographics. This is clever!



HAMBURG (Thanks, Mike!)

A veteran British Airways captain had just flown into Hamburg airport after its major overhaul in the 1970's. The new taxiway arrangements were a bit unfamiliar to him, as he carefully navigated his way to the terminal.

An officious, impatient traffic controller upbraided him over the radio: "I thought all British Airways pilots were expert on the world's airports."

"I'm sorry," the captain replied. "It's just that the last time I was here was at night, in 1943."



PLANE MAINTENANCE

After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


Miss C here. I have seen this going around referring to different airplines, even the Air Force, so I would take the Qantas part with a grain of sand. But its still funny!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Hostile Skies is a WWII dogfight game. I don’t normally go for shoot-em-ups, but this was fun, easy to figure out and completely mouse-controlled.

All the information you could think of about airlines and more can be found at The Airchive.

AIR TRAFFIC TOWER CONVERSATIONS

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


Previously on Miss Cellania: The Friendly Skies

Thought for today: Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

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