Saturday, April 22, 2006

Star Trek: The Next Post

Here I am, once again going where many have gone before. There is just too much to make fun of here. A few links, a few laughs, a little seltzer down your pants...

Excuse me for a moment for breaking news on the eleventh Star Trek movie.

The Picard Song




If you would prefer to see the above song in an animated video, here ya go.

Captain Picard’s Journal. You may want to see the entry where yours truly got to command the Enterprise during a throwdown. W00t!

Its a Trek World After All (to the tune of Its a Small World).

When you are ready to give up, go here.

Synthehol.

Star Trek vs. Microsoft.

Come up with a new plot every time you reload with the Star Trek Voyager Plot Generator.




Who's On First


[Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty are huddled in a corridor near a transporter room, talking with one another, in the distance, Spock rounds a corner and heads toward the group.]

McCoy: Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something.

Scotty: Aye, Doctor.

Kirk: Ah, hello Mister Spock.

Spock: Good day, Captain.

Kirk: Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock?

Spock: Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire was paid off!" Is this correct?

Kirk: Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

Spock: Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history . . . perhaps I may be of assistance.

Kirk: That's the idea.

Spock: Very well. Proceed.

Kirk: All right. Who's on first.

Spock: I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.

Kirk: So?


Spock: Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

Kirk: No--Who's on first.

Spock: I do not know.

McCoy: Third base.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: No--he's first base.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: Correct.

Spock: Who is correct?

Kirk: Sometimes.

Spock: Who is sometimes?

Kirk: No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes'
identity.

Spock: Whose identity?

Kirk: No, him I know--he's first baseman.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: That's right.

Spock: Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.

Kirk: What.

Spock: I said the second baseman.

Kirk: What.

Spock: This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked . . . who is the second baseman?

Kirk: No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

Spock: Very well. Captain, I ask you politely: who is the second baseman?

Kirk: No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

Spock: That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?"

Kirk: Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.

Spock: That statement is most illogical.

Kirk: Wait a minute--we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott?

Scotty: (coming from the transporter room) Aye, Cap'n?

Kirk: Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

Kirk: You see, Spock?

Spock: Yes . . . Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman?

Scotty: Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

Spock: I know that be what . . . er . . . is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

Scotty: Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!

Spock: What has this got to do with field events?

Scotty: Ach! No! What's the second baseman!

Spock: Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott.

Scotty: Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!

Spock: What you are saying is most illogical.

Scotty: Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!

Spock: Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott?

Scotty: No! Who . . . now he's a real dope, sir!

Spock: Who is?

Scotty: Right!

Spock: Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher?

Kirk: Tomorrow.

Spock: Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better.

McCoy: Well, Spock, Today *is* good, but he's the catcher.

Spock: Who is?

Scotty: Nay, Mr Spock--Who's the first baseman.

Spock: I do not know.

Kirk: Third base!

Spock: What?

Kirk: No, he's on second.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: No, Spock, Who's on first.

Spock: I do not know.

McCoy: Third base!

[This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket.]

Spock: (babbling incoherently) I don't know who what first base second base third base catcher pitcher today tomorrow I don't know . . .

Kirk: Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time?

STAR TREK RHAPSODY
A three-way mashup. What will they think of next?




RESOURCES FOR FANS

Gold Key Star Trek comics, scanned covers and synopses. (via Neatorama)

You might (or might not) remember that there was once an animated Star Trek series.

Star Trek micros (these are female). You can find the guys at the bottom of this page.

Stringman brings us Star Trek XXX: Brokeback Planet.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Star Trek

Thought for today: Live long and prosper. But put me in your will just in case.



13 comments:

LZ Blogger said...

I have almost run out of adjectives to describe how FUNNY you are! ~ I said ALMOST! ~ jb///

Anonymous said...

Kirk, Spock and Scotty in a 'Who's On First' star clusterflock, eh? ;-) All that was missing was McCoy calling Spock a "pointy-earred hobgoblin!", causing Spock to say "Who, Doctor?", and Scotty with a "Aye, laddie, but he's no' a doctor!", compounding the confusion, while Kirk bangs his head on the bulkhead, accidentally head-butting Yeoman Rand who happened to walk through the hatch door that Kirk forgot wasn't a bulkhead...when last seen by Security, the enraged Yeoman (it was that time of the month, apparently), was chasing the quad through the ship with a phaser not necessarily on stun, while Ensign Chekov kept muttering "dis never happen in Russia..", and Lt. Uhura kept open a hailing frequency for a new ship, or at least a contract re-negotiation.

Picard and Data, mulling it over, decided to rent the Abbott & Costello DVD, instead.

'Skunk'

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You've got some great things here, MC! You know how to make me laugh!

Anonymous said...

LOL! This is great!

Ed Bremson, MFA said...

I read the other day that they are planning to make Star Trek XI. Great timing.

Saur♥Kraut said...

I've always been a trekkie/trekkor (the serious trekkies call themselves trekkors). I don't dress up or go to Star Trek conventions, but I've always followed the series faithfully. I also had a serious crush on Capt. Picard.

Why? What is it about geeky/brilliant men that turns me on? My other crush is Jeff Goldblum.

Of course, my boyfriend looks like Patrick Dempsey, so why am I hung up on hot geeks?

Unknown said...

Oh those are fabulous! Thank you so much for sharing - I NEEDED a laugh! LOL
I’m still fighting WordPress at the new blog, but decided I needed to swing by blogroll buddies and say howdy!

Hope you have a terrific weekend - the weather in the KC area is spectacular!
Hugs,
Marti

Carl said...

Hottest Star Trek Women (regular cast)

Seven of Nine
Lt. Uhura
Jadzia Dax (that other Dax sucked)
Capt. Janeway
SubCammander T'Pol
Dr. Crusher
Counselor Troi
Yeoman Rand
Major Kira
Ensign Sato
Tasha Yar
B'Elanna Torres
Kes

Teresa said...

Very funny. I wanted to check out your blog before the slumber party tonight.
I met Counselor Troi once when I was in the Army. I watched TNG then because we only got one station in English and I got into it. And, that is as close to a real trekkie as I have ever gotten.

Hale McKay said...

Thanks for the laugh - I loved the Star Trek "Who's on First" - almost as much as I enjoyed writing my "Hu's On First?"
...You'll always get a good showing when you do Trek.

Miss Cellania said...

JB, you'll be on the next marquee-AGAIN!

Skunk, you are starting to make the comments my most popular feature!

Captain Picard, I did it all for you!

Nancy, thanks!

Ed, I saw that and did an update! The timing was serendipity, but it happens to me a lot.

Saur, I'm not familiar with Patrick Dempsey, but from the photos you've linked, he's a real hunk! I have been to limits of trekker culture, see this picture of yours truly in uniform. And I love hot geeks!

Marti, thanks! Good to see you here.

Carl, I may quote your list on the next installment.

Teresa, I interviewed and photographed Jimmy Doohan once, thats my big Trek memory.

Hale, yeah, I loved your post today, deja vu for real! And then there's this one.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Capt. Kirk is gay? Or is that only until Star Trek XXXI comes out?

Clia Toris said...

Nice job Miss Cellania!
- Clia
www.dungtongue.com