Thursday, December 29, 2005

Mars and Venus: Education

Time for another post in this recurring series. Now, as I've sworn before, I LOVE men. I also have a HIGH respect for women. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are BETWEEN men and women as a group. The stereotypes can by funny, though, so I'll throw out the jokes when I find them. The subject today is education. What we know, what we don’t know, and what we want each other to learn.

(Thanks, Wulfweard!)

10. Women have breasts

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

Things women should know about men.

Things men should know about women.


Once again, the female staff of the University will be offering courses to men, regardless of marital status. Please note that the name of some courses have recently been changed. Attendance to at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. The seminars are in great demand, so please register early.


* Economics

o 101: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

o 102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas- Give Us Jewelry or Money

* English

o 101: Spelling- Even You Can Get It Right

o 102: The Attainable Goal- Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary

o 110: How Not to Act Like an Jerk When You're Obviously Wrong

* Environmental Studies

o 101: Garbage- Getting It to the Curb

o 102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom

o 103: You Can Do Housework, Too

o 104: How to Fill an Icetray

o 105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (must be taken concurrently with Environmental Studies 106)

o 106: Learning to Aim- It Can Be Done (must be taken with ES 105)

* Health

o 102: Parenting- It Doesn't End With Conception (also Psych 102)

o 103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

o 104: Changing Your Underwear- It Really Works

o 110: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

o 201: Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson- Especially When You're Naked (also Psych 201)

* Leisure Studies

o 101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

o 102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost

o 110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes

* Psychology

o 100: Combating Stupidity

o 101: PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

o 102: see Health 102

o 103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am

o 104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children

o 111: Give Me a Break- Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull

o 201: see Health 201

o 250: Learning Self-Control- How Not to Pick Your Nose or Adjust Yourself in Public

* Sociology

o 101: YOU- The Weaker Sex

o 102: Reasons to Give Flowers

o 115: Why Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

o 210: Male Bonding- How to Leave Your Friends At Their Homes

* Textiles and Apparels

o 101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silk)

o 102: I'll Wear It If I Darn Well Please

o 104: Yes, They Really Smell After Being Worn More Than Once


In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

The following courses will be offered:

General Education:

GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

GE104: How to Parallel Park

GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:

HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Advantages
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said

Thought for today: No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


LZ Blogger said...

I found your post on someone else's blog. (So I thought I'd take a look at your BLOG). And, I don't know if you get the credit for this HUMOR, but let me tell you, if you came up with this stuff, you are not only VERY creative and funny, but also very insightful! I think I'll add you to my list of blog reads! Thx! ~ jb///

Wulfweard The White said...

Gotta say you have surpassed yourself once again. I bow to your superiority (i'm getting a complex).... Had to nick this one.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is very, very good. Worth stealing, even. Except I'm not that kind.

FTS said...

I love poking fun at the differences between men and women. I do so often, and though I'll never admit it (shhh) I also celebrate the differences. Like #10 on your first list above. ;)


Well, sorta.

I was told recently, in reference to being divorced for sixteen years, that the answer was to find a woman who thinks like a man.

This advice was given to me, by the way, by a woman who claims that's why her husband married her. lol

PS: My blogroll is on the right sidebar, about halfway down, in the section labled "Explore." ;)

Miss Cellania said...

Steal away, y'all! I didn't write this post, the best comedy is stolen. I give credit when I know where something came from, which is not often. I write some (but not much) of any post.

Gary said...

There are lots of other things that men know about women! Let me think about it after the football game and a few beers and I'm really sure I'll be able to list them!