Thursday, December 29, 2005
Mars and Venus: Education
Time for another post in this recurring series. Now, as I've sworn before, I LOVE men. I also have a HIGH respect for women. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are BETWEEN men and women as a group. The stereotypes can by funny, though, so I'll throw out the jokes when I find them. The subject today is education. What we know, what we don’t know, and what we want each other to learn.
TEN THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
10. Women have breasts
Advice From Men To Women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
Things women should know about men.
Things men should know about women.
Once again, the female staff of the University will be offering courses to men, regardless of marital status. Please note that the name of some courses have recently been changed. Attendance to at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. The seminars are in great demand, so please register early.
COURSES FOR MEN
o 101: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
o 102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas- Give Us Jewelry or Money
o 101: Spelling- Even You Can Get It Right
o 102: The Attainable Goal- Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary
o 110: How Not to Act Like an Jerk When You're Obviously Wrong
* Environmental Studies
o 101: Garbage- Getting It to the Curb
o 102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
o 103: You Can Do Housework, Too
o 104: How to Fill an Icetray
o 105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (must be taken concurrently with Environmental Studies 106)
o 106: Learning to Aim- It Can Be Done (must be taken with ES 105)
o 102: Parenting- It Doesn't End With Conception (also Psych 102)
o 103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
o 104: Changing Your Underwear- It Really Works
o 110: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
o 201: Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson- Especially When You're Naked (also Psych 201)
* Leisure Studies
o 101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
o 102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost
o 110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
o 100: Combating Stupidity
o 101: PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
o 102: see Health 102
o 103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am
o 104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children
o 111: Give Me a Break- Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
o 201: see Health 201
o 250: Learning Self-Control- How Not to Pick Your Nose or Adjust Yourself in Public
o 101: YOU- The Weaker Sex
o 102: Reasons to Give Flowers
o 115: Why Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
o 210: Male Bonding- How to Leave Your Friends At Their Homes
* Textiles and Apparels
o 101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silk)
o 102: I'll Wear It If I Darn Well Please
o 104: Yes, They Really Smell After Being Worn More Than Once
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.
The following courses will be offered:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")
Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Advantages
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said
Thought for today: No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
humor links jokes gender men women