Monday, November 21, 2005
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Gender differences have always fascinated me. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I also have a high respect for women. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you probably need a laugh. You've probably noticed than men and women do things differently. Taken to extreme, it can be just plain funny.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, covering up any exposed areas if you see husband along the way.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again. Condition with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner from hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower; spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower; dry with towel the size of a small country; wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
- Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
- Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. - Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Admire wiener size in mirror again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.
HIS and HERS Road Trip
Pulls off at wrong exit.
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said
Thought for today: According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
male female humor gender man woman funny