Saturday, December 17, 2005
Mars and Venus: The Advantages
Gender differences have always fascinated me, as it does most folks, I presume. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another post in this recurring series. Now, remember I LOVE men. I also have a HIGH respect for women. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are BETWEEN men and women as a group. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you obviously need a laugh. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun.
So which gender has a better deal? Read for yourself, and yes, I noticed that the men's list of advantages is much longer. So I made up for it with the Thought of the Day.
THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WOMAN
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MAN
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
8. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
9. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
10. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
11. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
12. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14. Your last name stays put.
15. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
16. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
17. You can kill your own food.
18. The garage is all yours.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
21. You never have to clean the toilet.
22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
25. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
26. The National College Cheerleading Championship
27. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
28. You don't have to shave below your neck.
29. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. Chocolate is just another snack.
32. You can be president.
33. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
34. Flowers fix everything.
35. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
36. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
37. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
38. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
39. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
40. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
41. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
42. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
43. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
44. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
45. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
46. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
47. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
48. One mood, all the time.
49. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
50. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
51. Same work....more pay.
52. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
53. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
54. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
55. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
56. The remote is yours and yours alone.
57. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
58. ESPN's sports center.
59. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
60. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
61. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
62. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
63. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
64. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
65. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
66. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
67. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
68. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
69. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
71. There is always a game on somewhere.
Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said
Thought for today: If men knew what women laughed about, they would never sleep with us.
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