Thursday, December 08, 2005


Why is fruitcake a traditional Christmas, uh, thing? I suppose because its a recipe that goes way back, using fruit preservation methods known to our ancestors (sugar and alcohol). No need to eat this stuff in the summer, when you can have fresh fruit. Since it keeps so long, its easily shipped around the world as a gift, and its often regifted afterwards. I always liked my grandmother’s fruitcake; it was more like candy than cake anyway. She mailed me one every Christmas for years and years. Then she went into a nursing home. Then she died in her 90s. And the fruitcakes kept coming. For some reason, I didn’t question this.

I think my aunt (who lives at the same address) might have something to do with it.

Nobody knows more about fruitcake and the humor associated with it than The Society for the Protection and Preservation of Fruitcake.

Class time: find out all about fruitcake history. And fruitcake science.

People use the fruit as an excuse to overindulge, but just how healthy IS fruitcake?

Fruitcake jigsaw puzzle.

You’ve been hit by a piece of fruitcake!

Toss One Back!

Send your friends and enemies a virtual fruitcake. I bet they'd appreciate this more than the real thing!

Whe you are way bored, try this fruitcake word search puzzle.

Fruitcake Recipe

All this talk of dry fruitcake made me pine for the days of yore when I would help grandma make Christmas cake. Here's the recipe (as best as I can remember it, it's a little fuzzy):

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. NOTE: Whiskey may be replaced with your favorite swill....beverage. Being from Kentucky, grandma naturally used Bourbon. I prefer Southern Comfort.


Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Top Ten Uses For Fruitcake

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer's garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words: pin cushion.

Thought for today: Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

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