Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays when I’m glad I have kids, because teachers make sure they have handmade Valentine cards for their Moms. They also bring candy home from school! I’m bracing myself for the usual parade of flowers delivered to my workplace for everyone but me. We have a newlywed on staff, one woman who’s newly engaged, one who gets flowers from her husband about once a month anyway, and several others who expect flowers. Its an overload of love and gooiness that fortunately provides me with OPC (other people’s chocolate). I just laugh it off, ‘cause that what’s I do. I took the iVillage test to see how bad Valentine’s Day is going to be this year, and got this result:

Cupid Who?

Okay, you win. Valentine's Day is a waste of your time. How are sickly-sweet greeting cards and the widespread worship of a little naked dude related to love? They're not, of course. You figured that out a long time ago. But consider this, Sugar Scrooge: While you're deriding the whole affair, you're missing out on some good candy, or at least the opportunity to rent a tear-jerking romantic movie while nobody's looking. You can't beat 'em, but you don't want to join 'em either -- so what's left for you to do? In the tradition of all great underdogs, my friend, you should stay home with a great book and treat yourself to a long bath.

I disagree about the chocolate; I’m a pretty resourceful mooch.

Only 15 days days left. If you want to make a real impression on your sweetheart, better start planning now. There is nothing so lame as a Valentine ecard sent the evening of the 14th, after someone at work reminded you of Valentine’s Day. And if she told you NOT to get her anything, read The Truth about Valentine’s Day.

FOR THOSE IN LOVE

List of places you can find traditional Valentine gifts online.

Ten reasons why diamonds are NOT a girl’s best friend.

You may send virtual chocolate, but you better follow it up with the real thing!

You might be one of those who want to express your love, but have a hard time finding the words. Help is here! Harvey at Bad Example has saved the love notes he posted to his wife over a year’s time. The collection is available for $5 online, as well as a dirty version, and now one suitable for a woman sending love notes to a man.

How about personal CD recording paired with underwear?

Live out your fantasies with a night at the Anniversary Inn.


Have a personalized romance novel written. The last day to order for Valentine's Day is February 12th, which gives you an idea how quickly these are put together. You can even design your own romance novel cover! These can be made into refrigerator magnets. Here are a couple of samples I threw together in a hurry.






Super personal romantic gift ideas from Men.com Magazine.

What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

FOR THOSE NOT IN LOVE

BitterSweets. The Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us.

Valentines you can send to your ex.

These are even worse!

These Valentine’s Day disaster stories might make you feel better, or at least make you laugh.

FOR LAUGHS

The All For Love Baretender Calendar features 17 Denver bartenders and barmaids who have shed their clothes all for love. Just $5.00. Proceeds help a family adopt two children from Ethiopia. (Thanks, Nick!)

Anatomical heart-shaped soap. This would probably make a totally cool gift for a geek or a medical type.

Get a virtual tattoo and send it to someone!

Humorous Valentine ecards.

TOP TEN REASONS MEN DON’T SAY “I LOVE YOU”

1. They don't mean it.
2. They want to get laid, but not *that* bad.
3. Their fathers didn't say it to their mothers.
4. It has become a throw-away phrase.
5. They don't want to be trapped in some long-term thing.
6. They've said it before and found out they were wrong.
7. They think it is much cooler to say it to other men, like Sammy and Frank.
8. It will lead to "I'll marry you".
9. It has become a throw-away phrase.
10. If they say it, their penises will fall off.

TOP TEN REASONS WOMEN WANT MEN TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”

1. They like the words.
2. Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important.
3. They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it.
4. It makes them feel all tingly to hear it.
5. Commitment/Power evil grin
6. He ain’t gettin ANY unless he does.
7. It makes up for what a jerk he is the rest of the time.
8. It makes sex better.
9. The woman can say it back without risking rejection.
10. The woman wants to see his penis fall off.

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the MOST romantic first line but LEAST romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your mother

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty
And so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Wine her, dine her, call her, hug her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, laugh with her, cry with her, cuddle with her, shop with her, give her jewelry, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, bring beer.

Thought for today: We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

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