Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Office



Everybody wants to complain about their job. Who wants to be cooped up in an office, typing away on a computer, doing something you cannot describe to someone outside the field, when you COULD be outside in the fresh air rolling out asphalt? There are downsides to every job, but the soul-sucking monotony of an office job gives rise to some really witty humor.



Lets start with a song: Cubicle Hell Blues (lyrics only, sorry)

You might relate to the guy in this cubicle video.


Those feelings can really get out of hand, as seen in The Mad Typist. (Thanks, Thor!)



To impress or confuse others, use the Bullshit Job Title Generator.

Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!
Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
23 power cords, 1 outlet.
Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

No matter how bad you think your job is, you can be glad you aren’t THIS guy!

But no office job could be as bad as the poor soul who collects sperm at a zoo.

The master of office humor has a blog! Scott Adams presents The Dilbert Blog. The Dilbert strips are here.



THE BOSS

Its bad enough having someone tell you what to do for eight hours a day. But when they have no clue, or no heart, things can get really ugly.

Interview with an honest boss. (Thanks, Carol Anne!)

The physical differences between you and your boss.

Bad Boss Horror Stories

The Meeting
Many Stories
The Thief (second story on this page)
The Dumpster


OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all of that.

1.) Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the square into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2.) Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3.) Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4.) When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, standup and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Adam W., Atlanta

-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
- David T., Rochester

-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
- Dan J., New York City

-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."
- Ben G., Denver

-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."
- Maggie R., Tampa

(Thanks, Joe!)


Thought for today: The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

13 comments:

giantcu92 said...

Amen sister! You and I, we're on the same thought track here about working in the office. It's killing me. I remember the days fondly when I would be outside all summer long, cutting new ski trails at the local ski resort that I worked at. It was hard work, but rewarding really. But then again, it doesn't pay as well as this current job. What are you going to do? I think I might still take a job that is hard and physical and outside over one that pays more and keeps me confined to my chair most days.

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