Plastic Surgery

Who doesn’t want to look better? Who wants to have surgery when your life or health doesn’t depend on it? Big difference there, huh? It amazes me the length some people will go to make a small improvement on what they’ve got. If you ask me, putting a smile on your face and a song in your heart will make you look 100% better with no anaesthesia and no capital outlay. And the risk is minimal. Now, with plastic surgery, there are always risks, and when things go wrong, it will be much harder to put a smile on your face, muchless a song in your heart. Take a look at Awful Plastic Surgery!


THE FACELIFT

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

MUSCLES

Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing
going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for
the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same
result without surgery."

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."

THE RECONSTRUCTION (Thanks, Eva!)

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin ... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"


THE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE (Thanks, Judy!)

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognise you."


GUESS MY AGE (Thanks, Eva!)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


Thought for today: Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

PS. I've had four people tell me this site fries their browser since Wednesday. Three are using IE and one says she's using yahoo/att (is that a browser?). Anyway, I deleted Wednesday post, then stripped my sidebar, and there is still a problem. I'm not much of a geek, so I need your suggestions! Yeah, I told them to switch to Firefox, but still....

humor jokes video funny plastic surgery cosmetic surgery facelift

Location, location, location

All the sudden I have found myself “between jobs”, or as most would say “unemployed”. I prefer the term “opportunisticly blessed”. I just made that up. But it applies. I can pack up and go anywhere, since I don’t have a mortgage. My family is portable. The property I own lost most of its charm when the neighborhood lost most of its trees. I feel ready for a change of location.

Where to go? I am open for suggestions. I do have a few requirements. The city I move to must have:
1. Job opportunities in the media. I’ve been on air for more than half my life now, so it would be difficult to start over in a new field.
2. Racial diversity. My children are Asian.
3. A college or university nearby. That always seems to improve the attraction of a place for me. I like to be around people who are smarter than I am.
4. Cultural opportunities. I deserve that. So do my kids.
5. A cost of living lower than New York or California. No matter where I go, it will be higher than it is here, but I cannot go from one extreme to the other.
6. No flat land. I’m a hillbilly. The horizon gives me headaches.

I took an online test to see which city I should live in.

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

Then I took another test called Find Your Spot. (Lifted from Kentucky Girl) Here are my personal results.

Portland, Oregon
Little Rock, Arkansas
Hartford, Connecticut
Honolulu, Hawaii
Baltimore, Maryland
Las Vegas, Nevada
New Haven, Connecticut
Washington, District of Columbia
Providence, Rhode Island
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Worcester, Massachusetts
Medford, Oregon
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Sacramento, California
Fayetteville, Arkansas
San Jose, California
Charleston, West Virginia
Boston, Massachusetts
San Francisco, California
Frederick, Maryland
Sheboygan, Wisconsin
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Salem, Oregon

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Video: Americans try geography. (Thanks, Prydwen!)

My nine-year-old can tell you any of the US state capitals. I can, too, after I helped her study for the geography bee... which she WON. These games and quizzes are the BEST study aid for that sort of thing.

Mapping religion in America. Can you spot the Bible Belt? I knew you could. Read all about it and see more maps at Regions of Mind.

Cities ranked for safety and quality of life. For some reason, Baghdad is in the basement.

Maps of Canada, including the Erotic Map and the National Beer Map. (Thanks, Nerdine!)



THE GEOGRAPHY EXAM
Some of the better answers.

What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.

The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.

What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.

Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

Denver is just below the 'a' in Colorado.

They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.

The value of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.

The chief product of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.

The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.

Chicago is nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.

You Passed 8th Grade Geography

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Geography?

Thought for today: Wherever you go, there you are.

Suggested so far:
Madison, Wisconsin (several votes)
Raleigh, North Carolina (sounds good)
Blightly, England (where?)
London, England (they would love MY accent!)
Austin, Texas (seems like an odd fit)
Denver, Colorado (got friends there)
Albuquerque, New Mexico (got friends there, too)
Portland, Oregon (thats a long way away)
Seattle, Washington (ditto)
San Francisco, CA (love it, just too expensive)
Little Rock, Arkansas (I'd fit right in)



humor jokes video funny geography maps cities

Gas Pains

It occurred to me the other day that back when I first started driving, I could earn enough to fill my tank by working one hour at my minimum-wage job. Now I make way more than minimum wage (which has also risen), and it takes me about five hours of work to fill my gas tank. Granted, I have a bigger gas tank now in the Mamamobile, but that because I’m supporting a family. I also figured I am driving a LOT less now than when I was a teenager running the roads just to see where they went. Now I’m going to get all sentimotional about those days... (sniff) Excuse me, I’m feeling somewhat verklempt. Take a moment and read these jokes, and I’ll try to pull myself together.

Find the cheapest gas prices in your city. If you don’t live in a city, that's too bad!

If that doesn’t work, try this one. (Thanks, Beth!)

Is it worth the extra gas to drive across town for lower gas prices? Calculate it here.

Watch the video I Can’t Afford My Gasoline. (Thanks Linda!)

Prayer rally for lower gas prices.

Golden Lucy on gas prices.

25 ways to save money at the gas pump.

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!


OIL SHORTAGE (Thanks, Ken!)

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.


Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!


The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices:

10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices.
9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that.
7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us.
5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's.
4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee.
3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time.
1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather all over the Middle East.

by Greg Scott, with contributions from Mike Hildreth, Michael Yurko, and Robert Taft.





















Thought for today: Public transportation is so shocking to the individual that it should only be done in private.


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Lotsa Links

Someone suggested I get cable internet, since the phone wiring in the house is falling apart. Sounds good, but they cannot schedule an installer while I am available, so I got a self-install kit. I got the modem kit out and connected it no problem, that doesn't even need instructions. I took up a ton of phone wire, to add a ton of cable. The worst part was not moving the furniture, but fitting my fingers into the stupid space on the back of the VCR... oh well.

Inserted the install disc. It said I would have to download internet explorer 5 before continuing. How am I supposed to do that, with no internet connection?? OK, after a while, I found a copy of IE5 in my files. Installed it. Opened it. The same message kept coming up, try again after you install IE5.

So I try to find a tech supprt number. None. Anywhere. On ANY of the paperwork. Called 800 directory assistance. The first try, they gave me a number that refused my call. Second attempt, I got a California number. After sitting through ten minutes of their automated service, i got a real person who told me I had the wrong number, call this other one. OK. Another ten minute wait. Their automated system actually gave me a choice of Mac suppot! But when I selected that, I got an endless loop of gobbledygook.

OK I admitted defeat, and got the phone line and the phone modem back out and hooked it all up. The connection woulf not let me into Yahoo because Charter hadn't configured me yet. But LO, it wanted to help me configure NOW. OK, lets try that. Several steps later, "ERROR call the local Charter office." HA! The local Charter office does not take incoming calls, it hasn't for years, and those ladies don't know internet installation from Shinola. And of course, no other numbers nationwide will will help me.

So I disconnected the cable modem, and am back with the DSL for now. I will try to have someone come and install this for me. It will most likely cost an arm and a leg and will be three weeks from now, but I can deal with that.

Next day: After three phone calls to various numbers that didn’t work the night before, I got to place I needed. The recording told me their business hours were 8AM to 5PM, please call back then. And he hung up. What? Its 9:30AM!

I called much later, and have an appointment for an installer to come, a week and a half from nw because they had a time scheduling around my work hours. It will cost me $49. That this is worth it to me just shows you how bad my current DSL service is.

Arbroath is looking for the world’s oldest blogger. Golden Lucy is the inspiration for the search. I think she’s lying about her age, anyway. She's younger than she says! Dad's Tomato Garden is in the lead.

How well do you know the Geneva Convention? This game from the Red Cross will evaluate your skills as a POW camp administrator.

Ed’s computer has taken on a life of it’s own (kinda like HAL) and it created its own blog!

The Pop Culture Translator.

Jacek’s got a new “serious” blog. Thats in addition to his not-so-serious blog, his meet-girls blog, and his evil blog. I think he inspired THIS.

Just to drive you crazy.

The trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. (Thanks, Kirby!)

The Superman Returns trailer.

The Seven Deadly Social Sins. This should be required reading. (via the Presurfer)

Submit your sad things to The Saddest Thing I Own.






HISTORY LESSON (Thanks, Wendy!)

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo.

The Logitech Webcam. http://snipurl.com/q1y5 It doesn’t tell us where to buy one.


Google SketchUp (free) is an easy-to-learn 3D modeling program that enables you to explore the world in 3D. With just a few simple tools, you can create 3D models of houses, sheds, decks, home additions, woodworking projects - even space ships.

Color Box was fun. To play, you combine colors to make other colors. The strategy is to make them white for points. You’ll have to read the directions.

Did you see this car run a red light? Don’t blink, or you’ll miss it.

Improv Everywhere goes to Best Buy.

MISSING PERSONS REPORT

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

In case you are one of the few left on the net who haven’t seen it, here is Steven Colbert at the White House Correspondents dinner.

Lists of things to do before I die, from all over.

Giving weightlifting a whole new meaning.

A sermon. On sex. Parts may be somewhat offensive, but y'all can handle it. Not for kids. This is funny.


Thought for today: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

humor jokes video funny games

Breakfast

Since I quit smoking, food has taken on an inordinant importance in my daily life. At first, it was “go ahead and eat, whatever it takes to keep from smoking”. See, I used a “kitchen sink” stop-smoking plan, meaning every technique possible at once. Of course, after a while I ballooned into a really really fat lady, which horrified me. So I went on a no carb diet. I happen to know it works, although its extremely difficult, since carbohydrates are the only thing that makes you feel like you’ve eaten anything at all. Therefore, plenty of bacon and eggs and cheese. I love breakfast.

That diet went out the window while I was out of town. Its hard to graze without a refrigerator, so I managed to scarf up anything and everything on the menu. IHOP doesn’t believe in small breakfast plates, either. If you order bacon and eggs, you’ll get bacon and eggs and potatoes and grits and pancakes. Would you prefer toast or biscuits with that? Yowsa!

Breakfast: its whats for breakfast.

Breakfasts in America.

Signs that you just might not be a morning person.

100 songs about food.

Send a Virtual Spatula to your favorite cook.

PUNISHMENT (Thanks, Eva!)

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?



BREAKFAST (Thanks, Joe!)

She was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast.

Her husband walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and anxiously says, "Quick! You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

Thinking it's his lucky day, he stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. When they finish, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She replied, "The egg timer is broken."

(OUCH! Women can be so cruel, even first thing in the morning.)


A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheatie's box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


Here’s a Muppet game called Lets Make Breakfast! for kids.

Those who are more violently inclined can box with their breakfast with Brawling Breakfast.


Thought for today: If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why don’t we just have it for lunch and supper, too?

humor jokes video funny breakfast bacon eggs

Peacocks

Peacocks are pretty, sometimes. They can be really obnoxious, too. The sound of peacocks calling to each other at dusk can grate on the brain like nails on a chalkboard. It also reminds me of a period in my early childhood in Knoxville, Tennessee, where the neighbors kept peacocks for their display of uselessness. I later learned its called "conspicuous consumption", meaning "Look! I can afford to keep useless pets/lawn ornaments!" Peacocks as yardbirds evokes the Old South the same way magnolia trees and sweet ice tea do. All we need is a little Spanish moss and I’ll start to sweat, uh, I mean “glow” here.

THE OLD AND THE YOUNG

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."







Albino peacock photos and discussion.

Some humor along with some nice peacock feather graphics.

Sheer poetry: A Peacock Tale.

Information on peacocks as pets at the Peafowl Report.

















EASTER EGGS (lifted from Hoss)

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

PEACOCK FLIRTING WITH THE CAT




Thought for today: Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.



humor links video funny peacock peahen
peafowl

April's Best Links

The month of April started out foolishly, like it always does, and ended with a bang, as I am out of town today on a much-needed outing. I may even tell you the story someday, but not now. The most popular posts in the month of April were Underwear and Does My Butt Look Big in This? so I know where YOUR minds are. Since I aim to please, you may see more of that sort of thing. I also got a lot of response about the Mr Right post, from the guys I cited (I have met a LOT of guys in through the Blogosphere!) and the guys I didn't cite (sorry). This month I also became a Star Trek character, thank you Captain Picard. The Presurfer and Neatorama both gave me some ego strokes worth noting. And I found out Arbroath is a guy! I case you missed some of the posts, or joined us here late, here are the most popular links for the month of April. Plus some that I just plain wanted to keep where I can find them easily. I do this at the end of each month, so when you open one of the monthly archives (at least the later ones), you'll see a "best of" post first.


PRODUCTS
Tamara at Sock Monkey Fun will set you up with a custom-made monkey!
Personalized Propaganda Posters.
Amazing urinal design called The Pee Tree.

QUIZZES
'What is the best type of sex for you?'
What Classic Movie Are You?
The quiz that really makes sense.
The Urinal Game.
The Underwear Oracle
The Idiot Test.
Belief-O-Matic test.


GAMES
Shoot the Easter Bunnies in Bunny Hunt.
A game where you have to find a particular person in a crowd.
From Space with Love.
A little game of Grab Ass.
The Phone.
Fat Man.

VIDEOS AND CARTOONS
The Wedgie Song.
How NOT to get a bear out of a tree!
I’m the Decider.
The Guantanamo Bay Song
The Picard Song
Smoking can seriously damage your health.
Top Ten Classic Viral Videos.
N is for Nookie.

FUNNY WEBSITES
The disappearing rabbit.
How to make a bunny lay Easter eggs.
The perfect man.
History Timeline based on the movies.
Brian’s Drive-In Theatre.
The ultimate list of case mods.
Useless Advice from Useless Men
The Homosexual Agenda.
100 greatest April Fools pranks.
The Peeps Diorama Competition
Sports Dignity
Darth and Elmo.
Ugly baby contest.


< Thanks to all of you for this!



JUST WONDERFUL
Joel tells about how to be a real man.
A brief essay on love.


SUBJECT INDEX
Alien Invasion
April Fool
Crop Circles
Dentist
Does My Butt Look Big in This?
Dogs
Easter Eggs
Generation X
He's Alive!
Income Tax
Intro to the Muppets
Just Desserts
Kentucky
Linkosity
Linkomania
Linkomatic
Linkorama
Monkeys and Apes
More Toilet Humor
Mr Right
Muppet Wars
Odd Cooking
Old Movies
Star Trek: The Next Post
Time Travel
Underwear



The number one most popular photo in April. So I'm posting a somewhat larger version.









Thought for today: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.


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Redirect

Please come see my new site at this link!
Miss Cellania has a new home! Please come see the NEW site, also called Miss Cellania.

Fishing

My Dad had a surefire way to avoid mowing the lawn. He’d get up real early in the morning on his days off and go fishing. You have to get up real early, you know, because the fish bite early in the morning. That doesn’t mean that he’ll be home in the afternoon, oh no, because the fish bite then, also. And in the evening. By the time he got home, darn it, it would be too dark to mow. but not too dark to clean fish and act like a breadwinner. We ate lots of fish when I was a little kid, with millions and millions of little bones in it. It didn’t seem quite worth it to me, especially when I saw how dad cleaned those fish. And he’d take us kids with him whenever he got the chance, meaning, when we would get up early. I enjoyed fishing, as long as Dad would bait the hook, help me reel it in, and unhook the fish. I was really talented at standing on the bank holding a pole.


Check out this flying fish video! Its a pretty good day when they just jump in the boat.

Video: A fisherman gets pulled into the water by a huge fish.

Why you won’t find me ice fishing.

Record bass caught and released on a technicality. (via Neatorama)

Here’s a fishing game that’s so easy, even I could do it!

The ultimate fishing movie: Jaws.




CHOOSE YOUR BAIT

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.

On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

BAD WEATHER

One man's hobby was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.

The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.

"What terrible weather today, Honey," he said to her.

"Yes, she answered. "And my idiot husband went fishing."


Why Fishing is Better than Sex (Thanks, Joe!)

- When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

- Fish don't compare you to other fisherman, and neither do they want to know how many other fish you caught.

- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

- You can catch and release a fish, and you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after
you let it go.

- You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

- You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman, you're talking
dinner and a movie minimum.

- Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.


* I fish, therefore I lie.




Thought for today: "Many men go fishing their entire lives without knowing it is not fish they are after." -Henry David Thoreau


humor jokes video funny fish fishing

Get To Work!

Note: I am going out of town for the weekend. I may or may not be able to post from my alternate location. If not, there will be new content here Tuesday.

THE INTERVIEW

A mathematician, an economist and an accountant apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist says "On average, four -- give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

The title art for this post is named Wage Slave, by Michael Dashow. You can purchase merchandise with this image here.

The Corporate Guide to Kissing Ass.

Unintentionally humorous excerpts from job applications, resumes, and cover letters.

The Payday Song.

If you hear your company talk about hiring a consultant, send them to this website. They’ve done consulting for businesses like AndyCo.

Cubicles: The Great Mistake.

FIRED

Mr. Snider was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Snider stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Snider stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.

Snider swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket and left.

Snider snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Snider was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Snider said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

Office Glossary (Thanks, Thersa!)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, airports, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.(Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.



Previously on Miss Cellania: Office

Thought for today: The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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