Plastic Surgery

Who doesn’t want to look better? Who wants to have surgery when your life or health doesn’t depend on it? Big difference there, huh? It amazes me the length some people will go to make a small improvement on what they’ve got. If you ask me, putting a smile on your face and a song in your heart will make you look 100% better with no anaesthesia and no capital outlay. And the risk is minimal. Now, with plastic surgery, there are always risks, and when things go wrong, it will be much harder to put a smile on your face, muchless a song in your heart. Take a look at Awful Plastic Surgery!


THE FACELIFT

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

MUSCLES

Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing
going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for
the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same
result without surgery."

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."

THE RECONSTRUCTION (Thanks, Eva!)

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin ... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"


THE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE (Thanks, Judy!)

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognise you."


GUESS MY AGE (Thanks, Eva!)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


Thought for today: Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

PS. I've had four people tell me this site fries their browser since Wednesday. Three are using IE and one says she's using yahoo/att (is that a browser?). Anyway, I deleted Wednesday post, then stripped my sidebar, and there is still a problem. I'm not much of a geek, so I need your suggestions! Yeah, I told them to switch to Firefox, but still....

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