Sex and the Senior Citizen

Nobody wants to give up the good stuff just because they get old! However, sometimes you have to make allowances for bodies that no longer do what they once did. And there’s that pesky little business about men who die off too early and leave a shortage for us women. But if you can get past that, more power to ya! The Baby Boomer generation, who now stares old age in the face, is trying to hold back the hands of time by sheer willpower... and doing a pretty good job of it!

A senior love story.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.


"OLD" IS WHEN. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


Love making tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial beforeyou begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6 Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice

THE MUSEUM

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so large!" The first old lady accidentally blurted out, "And cold, too!"

TWO SISTERS

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag. "The Cambridge Distorter" told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD BOTH OF US?"


THE FIANCE

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

THE PRESCRIPTION

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"


THE HAT

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


THE ENCOUNTER

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single...”




THE PROPOSAL

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


Previously on Miss Cellania: Old Folks

Thought for today: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia


humor jokes video funny sex love old elderly senior

Blogging

Rocky Jay wrote a post about the Three Stages of Blogging. According to this, by the time you resort to posting links, your blog is on its deathbed. Oy. Mine started out that way. And (horrors) if you blog about blogging, thats even worse. Well, he did it, so I can do it. Since I’m on my deathbed anyway, why not let it all hang out! But seriously, the goal here is to not take it too seriously. Have I ever been serious here? OK, maybe once, but I can’t FIND a serious post, and I looked, for about 90 seconds.

The Top 500 blogs. And honestly, does the world really need more than 500?

The dullest blog in the world. I guess he found his niche.

Deciphering Bloggers tries in vain to make sense out of various blogs, with utter strangeness ensuing. See what he got out of mine!

Some blogs have a test to make sure a commenter is a real person. What if we had a test to make sure a commenter is a SMART person?

The Ego in Blogging. I don’t understand hardly any of this. But I’m blonde, so its OK!

If you are a blogger with any shred of self-importance left, check out this glossary. It will cure you! But if you still think you‘ve got it going, the folks at I Talk Too Much will glady take you down a peg or two.

Rocky Jay and I aren’t theonly ones to resort to blogging about blogging. Its an epidemic! Check out FTS on the blogging process. And the science/religion of Bloggintology, by Monty. Driftglass opines on the real value of your hit counter. And here’s The Blue Skunk on Blogorrhea (noun. An unusually high volume output of articles on a blog).

What do a bunch of bloggers do when they get together face to face? Run Girl Run has the photographic evidence. So does Hoss.







Steve Covell wrote about the Three Stages of Blog Awareness. Then Joi Ito took it one step further and described Blog Addition. Some people are suffering horribly from it. Then Wulfweard came up with a recovery program:

12 Step Program of Recovery for Blog Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Blogging.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Blog-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy Blogging.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and my Blog will always be there tomorrow!


A cottage industry has grown up around bloggers and their addictions. You can shop at the No One Cares About Your Blog store. Mommy Needs Coffee sells the I Will Blog You t-shirts. She might need to try Blogger’s Blend coffee.




This wonderful, inspiring, and talent-laden (not to mention humble) post would not be complete without some lists. So read the Top Ten Blogger Lies, and the Top Ten Reasons Nobody Reads Your Blog.

Your Blogging Type is Social and Responsible

You enjoy blogging and do all you can to advance the blogging community. From helping friends set up blogs to getting rid of spam - you take a leadership role. A super blogger, you tend to blog regularly. You'd hate to disappoint your audience. And always appropriate, there's no way you'd blog something too personal!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Thought for today: I blog, therefore I am a blogger. What?

humor jokes video funny blog blogging blogger ego

Pillsbury Doughboy

It it weren’t for Arbroath, I would never get any news from the outside world. Thats what its like when you are unemployed. I’m staying busy baking cookies and brownies for the kids, and getting fatter by the day. I was shocked to find that the Pillsbury Doughboy was kidnapped! Luckily, the story has a happy ending.

But this is not the first time it has happened!

Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped

By John Breneman

In a brazen act of culinary-political terrorism, masked intruders armed with razor-sharp butter knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy from the heavily guarded Pop "n" Fresh compound in Crescent City, California.

No group has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy, the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the sole heir to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note scrawled in chocolate frosting at the scene demanded that four dozen unmarked fudge brownies and $50 million be deposited in a Danish bank account.

The FBI reportedly is investigating several leads -- including whether Pillsbury archrival Duncan Hines is in any way involved. A source close to the Doughboy said he was in possession of a new secret recipe for a no-calorie bundt cake at the time he was snatched.

According to an anonymous FBI informant known only as John Dough, other possible suspects include Betty Crocker, a Pillsbury subsidiary whose own line of mouth-watering baked goods was often overshadowed by the ubiquitious Doughboy. Federal investigators are also looking into a possible connection between the Pillsbury kidnapping and the nearby heist of an armored Brink's truck filled with dough.

The only witness to the abuduction was one of the Doughboy's bodyguards, who reportedly saw a dark, late-model sedan racing away from the Pillsbury compound and thought he heard plaintive, high-pitched squeals of "Hoo, hoo!" coming from inside the vehicle.


The Pillsbury Doughboy. Yes, you can poke him!

Its even more fun to poke him here.

The Dancing Doughboy. If you think you can choreograph this better, you can design your own Doughboy Dance.

The Doughboy photo album.

His fan club.

When you are a big star, there are always outtakes circulating.

There was that one really embarassing moment caught on tape.




And sometimes its not so easy to make everyone happy.

OBITUARY (Thanks, Eva!)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and described Doughboy lovingly as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He also is survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Thought for today: Nothing says lovin like somethin from the oven.



humor jokes video funny Pillsbury doughboy Pop-N-Fresh advertising

Plastic Surgery

Who doesn’t want to look better? Who wants to have surgery when your life or health doesn’t depend on it? Big difference there, huh? It amazes me the length some people will go to make a small improvement on what they’ve got. If you ask me, putting a smile on your face and a song in your heart will make you look 100% better with no anaesthesia and no capital outlay. And the risk is minimal. Now, with plastic surgery, there are always risks, and when things go wrong, it will be much harder to put a smile on your face, muchless a song in your heart. Take a look at Awful Plastic Surgery!


THE FACELIFT

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

MUSCLES

Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing
going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for
the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same
result without surgery."

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."

THE RECONSTRUCTION (Thanks, Eva!)

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin ... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"


THE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE (Thanks, Judy!)

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognise you."


GUESS MY AGE (Thanks, Eva!)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


Thought for today: Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

PS. I've had four people tell me this site fries their browser since Wednesday. Three are using IE and one says she's using yahoo/att (is that a browser?). Anyway, I deleted Wednesday post, then stripped my sidebar, and there is still a problem. I'm not much of a geek, so I need your suggestions! Yeah, I told them to switch to Firefox, but still....

humor jokes video funny plastic surgery cosmetic surgery facelift

Location, location, location

All the sudden I have found myself “between jobs”, or as most would say “unemployed”. I prefer the term “opportunisticly blessed”. I just made that up. But it applies. I can pack up and go anywhere, since I don’t have a mortgage. My family is portable. The property I own lost most of its charm when the neighborhood lost most of its trees. I feel ready for a change of location.

Where to go? I am open for suggestions. I do have a few requirements. The city I move to must have:
1. Job opportunities in the media. I’ve been on air for more than half my life now, so it would be difficult to start over in a new field.
2. Racial diversity. My children are Asian.
3. A college or university nearby. That always seems to improve the attraction of a place for me. I like to be around people who are smarter than I am.
4. Cultural opportunities. I deserve that. So do my kids.
5. A cost of living lower than New York or California. No matter where I go, it will be higher than it is here, but I cannot go from one extreme to the other.
6. No flat land. I’m a hillbilly. The horizon gives me headaches.

I took an online test to see which city I should live in.

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

Then I took another test called Find Your Spot. (Lifted from Kentucky Girl) Here are my personal results.

Portland, Oregon
Little Rock, Arkansas
Hartford, Connecticut
Honolulu, Hawaii
Baltimore, Maryland
Las Vegas, Nevada
New Haven, Connecticut
Washington, District of Columbia
Providence, Rhode Island
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Worcester, Massachusetts
Medford, Oregon
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Sacramento, California
Fayetteville, Arkansas
San Jose, California
Charleston, West Virginia
Boston, Massachusetts
San Francisco, California
Frederick, Maryland
Sheboygan, Wisconsin
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Salem, Oregon

Miss Cellania's Friends | Add As Friend

Video: Americans try geography. (Thanks, Prydwen!)

My nine-year-old can tell you any of the US state capitals. I can, too, after I helped her study for the geography bee... which she WON. These games and quizzes are the BEST study aid for that sort of thing.

Mapping religion in America. Can you spot the Bible Belt? I knew you could. Read all about it and see more maps at Regions of Mind.

Cities ranked for safety and quality of life. For some reason, Baghdad is in the basement.

Maps of Canada, including the Erotic Map and the National Beer Map. (Thanks, Nerdine!)



THE GEOGRAPHY EXAM
Some of the better answers.

What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.

The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.

What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.

Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

Denver is just below the 'a' in Colorado.

They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.

The value of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.

The chief product of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.

The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.

Chicago is nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.

You Passed 8th Grade Geography

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Geography?

Thought for today: Wherever you go, there you are.

Suggested so far:
Madison, Wisconsin (several votes)
Raleigh, North Carolina (sounds good)
Blightly, England (where?)
London, England (they would love MY accent!)
Austin, Texas (seems like an odd fit)
Denver, Colorado (got friends there)
Albuquerque, New Mexico (got friends there, too)
Portland, Oregon (thats a long way away)
Seattle, Washington (ditto)
San Francisco, CA (love it, just too expensive)
Little Rock, Arkansas (I'd fit right in)



humor jokes video funny geography maps cities

Gas Pains

It occurred to me the other day that back when I first started driving, I could earn enough to fill my tank by working one hour at my minimum-wage job. Now I make way more than minimum wage (which has also risen), and it takes me about five hours of work to fill my gas tank. Granted, I have a bigger gas tank now in the Mamamobile, but that because I’m supporting a family. I also figured I am driving a LOT less now than when I was a teenager running the roads just to see where they went. Now I’m going to get all sentimotional about those days... (sniff) Excuse me, I’m feeling somewhat verklempt. Take a moment and read these jokes, and I’ll try to pull myself together.

Find the cheapest gas prices in your city. If you don’t live in a city, that's too bad!

If that doesn’t work, try this one. (Thanks, Beth!)

Is it worth the extra gas to drive across town for lower gas prices? Calculate it here.

Watch the video I Can’t Afford My Gasoline. (Thanks Linda!)

Prayer rally for lower gas prices.

Golden Lucy on gas prices.

25 ways to save money at the gas pump.

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!


OIL SHORTAGE (Thanks, Ken!)

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.


Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!


The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices:

10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices.
9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that.
7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us.
5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's.
4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee.
3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time.
1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather all over the Middle East.

by Greg Scott, with contributions from Mike Hildreth, Michael Yurko, and Robert Taft.





















Thought for today: Public transportation is so shocking to the individual that it should only be done in private.


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Lotsa Links

Someone suggested I get cable internet, since the phone wiring in the house is falling apart. Sounds good, but they cannot schedule an installer while I am available, so I got a self-install kit. I got the modem kit out and connected it no problem, that doesn't even need instructions. I took up a ton of phone wire, to add a ton of cable. The worst part was not moving the furniture, but fitting my fingers into the stupid space on the back of the VCR... oh well.

Inserted the install disc. It said I would have to download internet explorer 5 before continuing. How am I supposed to do that, with no internet connection?? OK, after a while, I found a copy of IE5 in my files. Installed it. Opened it. The same message kept coming up, try again after you install IE5.

So I try to find a tech supprt number. None. Anywhere. On ANY of the paperwork. Called 800 directory assistance. The first try, they gave me a number that refused my call. Second attempt, I got a California number. After sitting through ten minutes of their automated service, i got a real person who told me I had the wrong number, call this other one. OK. Another ten minute wait. Their automated system actually gave me a choice of Mac suppot! But when I selected that, I got an endless loop of gobbledygook.

OK I admitted defeat, and got the phone line and the phone modem back out and hooked it all up. The connection woulf not let me into Yahoo because Charter hadn't configured me yet. But LO, it wanted to help me configure NOW. OK, lets try that. Several steps later, "ERROR call the local Charter office." HA! The local Charter office does not take incoming calls, it hasn't for years, and those ladies don't know internet installation from Shinola. And of course, no other numbers nationwide will will help me.

So I disconnected the cable modem, and am back with the DSL for now. I will try to have someone come and install this for me. It will most likely cost an arm and a leg and will be three weeks from now, but I can deal with that.

Next day: After three phone calls to various numbers that didn’t work the night before, I got to place I needed. The recording told me their business hours were 8AM to 5PM, please call back then. And he hung up. What? Its 9:30AM!

I called much later, and have an appointment for an installer to come, a week and a half from nw because they had a time scheduling around my work hours. It will cost me $49. That this is worth it to me just shows you how bad my current DSL service is.

Arbroath is looking for the world’s oldest blogger. Golden Lucy is the inspiration for the search. I think she’s lying about her age, anyway. She's younger than she says! Dad's Tomato Garden is in the lead.

How well do you know the Geneva Convention? This game from the Red Cross will evaluate your skills as a POW camp administrator.

Ed’s computer has taken on a life of it’s own (kinda like HAL) and it created its own blog!

The Pop Culture Translator.

Jacek’s got a new “serious” blog. Thats in addition to his not-so-serious blog, his meet-girls blog, and his evil blog. I think he inspired THIS.

Just to drive you crazy.

The trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. (Thanks, Kirby!)

The Superman Returns trailer.

The Seven Deadly Social Sins. This should be required reading. (via the Presurfer)

Submit your sad things to The Saddest Thing I Own.






HISTORY LESSON (Thanks, Wendy!)

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo.

The Logitech Webcam. http://snipurl.com/q1y5 It doesn’t tell us where to buy one.


Google SketchUp (free) is an easy-to-learn 3D modeling program that enables you to explore the world in 3D. With just a few simple tools, you can create 3D models of houses, sheds, decks, home additions, woodworking projects - even space ships.

Color Box was fun. To play, you combine colors to make other colors. The strategy is to make them white for points. You’ll have to read the directions.

Did you see this car run a red light? Don’t blink, or you’ll miss it.

Improv Everywhere goes to Best Buy.

MISSING PERSONS REPORT

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

In case you are one of the few left on the net who haven’t seen it, here is Steven Colbert at the White House Correspondents dinner.

Lists of things to do before I die, from all over.

Giving weightlifting a whole new meaning.

A sermon. On sex. Parts may be somewhat offensive, but y'all can handle it. Not for kids. This is funny.


Thought for today: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

humor jokes video funny games

Breakfast

Since I quit smoking, food has taken on an inordinant importance in my daily life. At first, it was “go ahead and eat, whatever it takes to keep from smoking”. See, I used a “kitchen sink” stop-smoking plan, meaning every technique possible at once. Of course, after a while I ballooned into a really really fat lady, which horrified me. So I went on a no carb diet. I happen to know it works, although its extremely difficult, since carbohydrates are the only thing that makes you feel like you’ve eaten anything at all. Therefore, plenty of bacon and eggs and cheese. I love breakfast.

That diet went out the window while I was out of town. Its hard to graze without a refrigerator, so I managed to scarf up anything and everything on the menu. IHOP doesn’t believe in small breakfast plates, either. If you order bacon and eggs, you’ll get bacon and eggs and potatoes and grits and pancakes. Would you prefer toast or biscuits with that? Yowsa!

Breakfast: its whats for breakfast.

Breakfasts in America.

Signs that you just might not be a morning person.

100 songs about food.

Send a Virtual Spatula to your favorite cook.

PUNISHMENT (Thanks, Eva!)

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?



BREAKFAST (Thanks, Joe!)

She was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast.

Her husband walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and anxiously says, "Quick! You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

Thinking it's his lucky day, he stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. When they finish, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She replied, "The egg timer is broken."

(OUCH! Women can be so cruel, even first thing in the morning.)


A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheatie's box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


Here’s a Muppet game called Lets Make Breakfast! for kids.

Those who are more violently inclined can box with their breakfast with Brawling Breakfast.


Thought for today: If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why don’t we just have it for lunch and supper, too?

humor jokes video funny breakfast bacon eggs

Peacocks

Peacocks are pretty, sometimes. They can be really obnoxious, too. The sound of peacocks calling to each other at dusk can grate on the brain like nails on a chalkboard. It also reminds me of a period in my early childhood in Knoxville, Tennessee, where the neighbors kept peacocks for their display of uselessness. I later learned its called "conspicuous consumption", meaning "Look! I can afford to keep useless pets/lawn ornaments!" Peacocks as yardbirds evokes the Old South the same way magnolia trees and sweet ice tea do. All we need is a little Spanish moss and I’ll start to sweat, uh, I mean “glow” here.

THE OLD AND THE YOUNG

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."







Albino peacock photos and discussion.

Some humor along with some nice peacock feather graphics.

Sheer poetry: A Peacock Tale.

Information on peacocks as pets at the Peafowl Report.

















EASTER EGGS (lifted from Hoss)

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

PEACOCK FLIRTING WITH THE CAT




Thought for today: Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.



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peafowl