A Link and a Prayer

I had the usual paragraph here complaining about how I cannot load blogspot.com sites. But LO AND BEHOLD last night, all of the sudden, they ALL LOAD CORRECTLY! Hallelujah! After 3 months, I can see my OWN blog, plus those of my buds, and even my archives! I don't know how long this will last. I need to make sure I'm holding my mouth right.

I went ahead and obtained a domain. This site can now be seen at http://misscellania.com Really, there is supposed to be some advantage to that, but I haven't seen it yet.

Have you ever had the feeling that Someone is trying to tell you something? This week, no less than FOUR people, none of them connected to each other, have suggested I might sell my house and move. No, it wasn’t because of some complaint I made, well maybe once, but there were different reasons and different conversations. One was a person who wants to sell me her house, but that won’t be happening, since I know the guy who inspected her basement. One is my kid, who just wants a newer, prettier house. But still, this confluence of events makes me think “hmmm, sell the house. Hmm. Naw, no one would buy it.”


STRESS TEST (Thanks, Eva!)

Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation. Click here.

Things you never realized about left-handed people in a right-handed world.

What if Microsoft designed the packaging for the ipod? (lifted from Omegamom)

Check out the Goldbrick Gallery for new editorial cartoons everyday!

The Honeywagon is a song from two brothers in Georgia who each own a septic-cleaning business.

Revenge of the video game character.



The Walk. A simple cartoon that will make you smile for a minute.

You think American Idol is fun? You can see Google Idol anytime you want... maybe even enter!

Or maybe you’d prefer YouTube Idol.

VISION TEST
Can you find the dogs in this picture?

Have you ever wondered about the straw that broke the camel’s back? See that and more! OK, no camel, but the rest of it is pretty amazing!

British ad for... I’m not really sure what, but you gotta see this!




Whats your take on this?







THE DISHWASHER (Lifted from Matt)

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

********

Awesome game involving magnets.

Does he really love me?

The Firing Squad Brain Teaser. I figured this one out. Several years ago.

Naked World Records has to do with world records that people broke while naked. Not really a lot of nudity here, but you will see The Governator in the altogether if you look for him.

A woman’s ultimate fantasy! The Cleaning Hunk.

Make Daddy proud. (Thanks, Joe!)

Desktop Blues. This is about as much fun as you can have playing The Blues.

THE ESCAPE (Thanks, Eva!)

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300
of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

“Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope, just when it's raining."


Thought for today: Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.


humor links video funny jokes

The Friendly Skies

Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"





If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do WHAT with the seat?"



On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.





I usually request a window seat, but this time I'd prefer the aisle.











Wanna see some footage of my last air trip? Then you'll know why its my last! This entry wouldn't be complete without a report on Naked Air. This site contains nudity (duh).
More airlines jokes.


This entry was inspired by my friend chinamom.
(who no longer has a blog at that address)

Thought for today: If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

This post originally appeared on October2, 2005.

humor jokes airplanes funny airlines flying planes airport

Cell Phone

Every once in a while, I run into someone who is amazed that I don’t have a cellphone. The bottom line is, I don’t need one. I have a landline. I have a digital camera. I have an answering machine. Anyone who wants me can call me at home, or at work. If I’m anywhere besides those two places, then you can assume I am too busy to talk on the phone. Call me later.

Who am I kidding? No one calls me!

Someone asked, “But what if you were away from home and needed to contact your kids?” Thats an easy one, I would ask the person to my right if I could use their phone. They always have one. “But what if you were broken down on the side of the interstate?” Umm, this happened a couple months ago. I wished for just a minute that I could call someone. But who? I don’t anyone who would come out here AND can change my tire for me. The story ended OK, I changed the tire myself. In the dark. Remind me to put a flashlight in my car sometime! THAT I really need.


The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
If it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."

**************



The Goober Queen seems to have trouble with her man and his cell phone.

Can you believe it? A a cellphone powered by urine.

We don’t want to hear your cell phone conversation!


"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
---Unknown

“Hang up up and drive.” --Unknown


THE GIFT

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"




THE BATHROOM

I was barely sitting down at the airport washroom, when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!”

And the other person says, “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them “No........I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps trying to talk to me.”

































































Thought for today: Guns don't kill people - Drivers with cellphones do!

humor cellphone video funny cellular wireless phone

Mars and Venus: A Day Late

If you’ve been around for a while, you know I‘ve done about a dozen Mars and Venus posts, exploring (and laughing at) the differences between men and women (viva la difference!), one of my favorite topics. I put them out when I have enough material on one subject. It never fails that something just perfect for that subject will come to my attention the next day, or maybe a week later. Thats happened enough times now that I can make a whole post out of it.

Should have gone into the Literature post:

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

***********

This picture advertises Flap Art which I’ve promoted here before, but I sure could’ve used the picture here instead of making my own book covers for the Literature post.









Because creating this was really way more difficult than it should have been. So much that I need to use the graphic once again to justify the effort.









Should have gone into the Dictionary post:

Deciphering Men's Speech Patterns

1. "I can't find it."
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work."
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain."
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

This should have gone into the Size Matters post.
Yes, I know that wasn't part of the Mars and Venus series, but who cares? It was a day late and I'll put it here now. Whoever created this really really needs a spell checker.

















Should have gone into the Procedures post:

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.

11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.

12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 10.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00
But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right...

Should have gone into the Semantics post,
where we deconstructed the gender of a computer. There is still a difference of opinion on whether a computer is male or female.

















Should have gone into the Seeking or the Crossed Signals post (which were actually two parts to a single subject anyway):

I love the amazingly descriptive name of this blog site: Scary Personals.

Should have gone into the Education post:

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down; finally, the guys' side of the story. We
always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about your leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. (Thanks, Carl!)

*********

If you enjoyed any of this, you may want to see the previous posts regarding gender differences. You'll find links at the Index of all previous Mars and Venus posts.

Thought for today: Religious right leaders teach kids that sex is the most awful, filthy, disgusting thing on earth and that you should save it for someone you love. -BAC


humor sex funny jokes male female man woman gender

Superhero

I must’ve been about 6 years old when my mother made my brother and me each a Super Hero cape. We had already spent a lot of time trying to fly off the back porch. We watched Superman every afternoon, and Batman at night twice a week. It wasn’t long after that I started buying DC comic books, for 15 cents each. I ended up with boxes and boxes of them. They would be collector’s items now, but we threw them out. That’s OK, they were pretty well worn out after I read them over and over.

Superheros bring out the kid in all of us. A kid doesn’t mind acknowledging a longing for super powers, and the chance to advance truth, justice, and the American Way. Things aren’t so simple, so black-and-white in the adult world, but its nice to pretend they are every once in a while.

A cartoon featuring every super hero you could drag from your imagination: The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.

The science of Superman.

Superman meets the Quik Bunny.

Unfortunate movie tie-in: The Human Torch ATV.

Supermonk battles marauding Vikings (not for children) . Warning: 38mb.

Superhero or Household Cleaner?

Captain Jackson and the Crimefighter Corps of Jackson, Michigan.

The religious affiliations of comic book Super Heroes. (Thanks, Prydwen!)

Batman and Robin music you can download.

Why Superman never married.

The best Batman joke ever. Thats not neccessarily my opinion, that’s what it is labeled.

The Official Burt Ward Website. For you young folks, he played Robin on TV.

Spiderman reviews crayons, part one and part two.

The Incredible Hulk’s blog.

Are you a Super Hero? Try the Trainee Superhero game!

CAMPING OUT

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:

" Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

WHEN SUPERHEROES GROW OLD




EVIL LINKS

So you’ve decided to become evil. A guide.

How to destroy the earth.

An Evil Genius Resource site.

GROWING UP SUPERMAN

At his request, each morning 3-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."


Which Super Hero are you?

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl 85% Iron Man 80% Superman 80% Green Lantern 75% Spider-Man 70% Wonder Woman 65% The Flash 55% Catwoman 50% Robin 40% Hulk 40% Batman 25%

Lean, muscular and feminine. Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

BUILDING

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

Blog of the day: Super Underwear Pervert Hero. Too bad its a blogspot site, I can't load it!

Thought for today: In this world, there is right and there is wrong, and that distinction is not difficult to make. -Superman


humor links video funny games jokes superhero hero Superman Batman Spiderman

Cute Critters

I’m working on some dog and cat posts, but the material is overwhelming, and they need to be edited down. Look for those in the next week or so. Along the way, some other animals got into the files. In real life, you’d just as soon avoid a lot of these creatures. On the net, they can be a lot of fun!

More cute baby animals.

Control the Ants game. I hope you do better than I did! But it was fun anyway.

A little story about a goat who loves art.

The Seven Deadly Sinners have resurrected Cy the Cyclops Kitten again, after being approached about illustrating the Biblical application of Cy’s story.

How to tell if your cow has Mad Cow Disease.

The Draw A Pig Personality Test. Fun, especially when you get to go look at other people’s pigs!

The Boneless Pig Farmers Association.

Patches, the unusual horse. Call the kids over for this one!

Raccoon auditioning for a Miller Beer commercial.

Unicorn mating. Diabetic warning: this is way sugary sweet.

What would a Unicorn do? folder for sale.

Sounds animals make in different languages.

The Squirrel Escape Game. Once I figured out how to do it, this was fun. The main character looks more like a cat than a squirrel to me.

Flying cow leaves two police cars in flames. Headline of the year so far.


THE SKUNK

A man and his Wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, And she got out to see if was still alive.


It was, And she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, " O.K. ,Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says "put it in between your legs. Its nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

(The funeral is tomorrow)


Eat My Hamster is a new service that works a bit like Link Swarm or del.ici.ous, but limited to humor. You can post webpages to share, and rate other people’s submissions (rate mine highly, please). Then read the higher-rated sites. I think they dumped a lot of hampster links there just to get the ball rolling. Some are pretty good!

Hamster in a ball video.

How to turn your hamster into a fighting machine.

Hamster Dance video.

Hamster out of control.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Cute Little Animals

Thought for today: Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

humor jokes video funny cute animals pets hamster

Manliness

What can I say about manliness? In a perfect world, its something to be admired and desired, the same as femininity. I certainly admire a manly man, but what makes a man MANLY is a matter of opinion, and it can’t really be nailed down. Its like art, or obscenity.... I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it!

Manliness, maleness, macho, masculinity, all words that supposedly mean the same thing, yet each brings up a different picture, due to the popular usage of the words. The tone you use to say it can also convey different meanings. "He's quite manly..." As opposed to what? A woman? A man who is not manly? A man who tries too hard to be manly? Or a man who doesn't feel the need to try? Or are you by chance referring to someone suffering from Testosterone Poisoning? Or are you being sarcastic? The Free Online Dictionary defines masculinity as:

Noun	1.	masculinity - the properties characteristic of the male sex maleness sexuality, gender, sex - the properties that distinguish organisms on the basis of their reproductive roles; "she didn't want to know the sex of the foetus" virility - the property of being capable of copulation and procreation
	2.	masculinity - the trait of behaving in ways considered typical for men trait - a distinguishing feature of your personal nature manfulness, manliness, virility - the trait of being manly; having the characteristics of an adult male boyishness - being characteristic of a boy machismo - exaggerated masculinity hoydenism, tomboyishness - masculinity in women (especially in girls and young women) femininity, muliebrity - the trait of behaving in ways considered typical for women

Doesn't seem all that helpful. I get the feeling you could end up chasing links in circles here.

The humorous part comes in when men try to live up to some artificial standard of manliness. Thats funny, because living up to an artificial standard is in itself the opposite of manliness. Thats what I’m talking about here. The stuff you can laugh at.

The Male code of ethics (in order to not seem gay) part one and part two. (Thanks, Theresa!)

100 reasons its better to be a bloke.

The manliest macho blog you’ll ever see.

25 things that make you feel manly.

Is this manly or not? I dunno, you tell me. But I know the ladies will love watching the Skating Cowboys. Don’t miss the punchline at the end!



Rocky in training.

Its more manly to waste time than to ask for help.

Hmm, looks like the beer belly no longer spells manliness. (lifted from Arbroath)

THE NEWLYWEDS

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

*********

We pause here for a word from our manly sponsor, Crack Spackle.

MACHO DRIVING TECHNIQUES

Those who have been driving for many years are familiar with macho driving techniques. Newer drivers however, are probably curious as to what these people are up to. Here's some tips for macho driving:

* Drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It must be very large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. If it doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from MX missile transport trucks (roughly 6' in diameter); raise the suspension to allow clearance over the whimps that drive cars.

* Practice your best scowl. Remember, that this is the only expression you are permitted to show once you're behind the wheel.

* Do not be intimidated by the weather. It should never affect your driving style. Under no circumstances should you use windshield wipers. They're for appearance only. If snow blankets your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of you. You are not permitted to leave your vehicle to do this however! If you can't reach around to the windshield while you are driving, then put on your defroster full blast until you can just see the road.

* Darkness intimidates whimps! Only use your headlights when its pitch dark, so that you can see the police. Of course, if you have those blinding yellow fog lights, you may use them whenever you see fit.

* Be prepared to yell obscenities at &/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path.

* The road sign "YIELD" or a flashing yellow light have no meaning. Actually, the STOP Sign is the indication to yield, but only if absolutely necessary. You must never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.

* Driving on the shoulder during traffic jams is strongly encouraged.

* Passing on winding, narrow roads without hesitation will gain the respect of other macho drivers.

* Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances. They will find a way to get around you. Hell, they should never have caught up with you in the first place.

* You must master the art of tailgating to become a full-fledged macho driver. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention! This is particularly irritating to the driver who is in front of you in heavy traffic. Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.

* Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. This must be done with great care when cutting off other macho drivers. Your mission is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt.

* Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close off gaps in traffic. When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into traffic or accelerating from behind in an attempt to get past you, you must adjust your speed such that the gap in traffic will not be there when that vehicle gets to it. You must anticipate the driver's intention while, nonchalantly altering your speed to intercept.

Note: A fun variation of this technique is to use it to prevent vehicles from getting on or off the highway at ramps.

********

Its not easy being a guy, as shown in the cartoon Life as a Guy.



Manly Jokes for Manly Men.

Manly Man Observations and Advice.

For more on Manliness, get the book.

Thought for today: Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer. -Arnold Schwarzenegger



humor links video funny male manly macho manliness masculinity

Fresh Hot Links

Lots of great links found their way into my inbox this week! Thanks to everyone who contributes to the pool. Once again I threw out about half of what I was going to include, just to keep to a managable level. Don't feel you have to go to every link today, because I may have some linkless posts next week... or maybe not.

I got a ton of new readers yesterday, thanks to Mark and The Carnival of Cars, thank you very much!

Why do Asian girls go for white guys? Why can't Asian guys compete? This movie is called Yellow Fever. Its 15 minutes long, so load it when you have something else to do offline. Funny and thought-provoking.

The story of one man’s response to a Nigerian 419 scam. THIS is FUNNY, but trying it yourself is not recommended.

Evgeni Plushenko - Sex Bomb!

The Love Calculator will tell you what the odds are of a great relationship by entering the names of two people. I tried it. Got horrible results with first names, last names, screen names, radio names... then I finally read the instructions that said real first name and real last name. OK. Bingo! 83% odds of making it!

How to tell is somebody is lying to you.

Distorted Tunes Test. (lifted from Omegamom) I scored 100%, but it was painful to hear some of these tunes played so badly. I have such a good ear for music that I'm fully aware of how badly I sing!

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Strange video: A pingpong table with 240 set mousetraps. Add one pingpong ball.

The Rolling Stones doing a 1964 Rice Krispys commercial.

Jumping rope is for sissies. To really impress someone, jump a rope thats on fire!

A breast you can keep on your desk and squeeze whenever you want.

The Streaking Game. Disturbingly addictive.

Popular Science announces its Movie Awards.

The Museum of Unworkable Devices. This should keep you busy for hours.

Personal DNA personality test. Here are my results:
My Personal Dna Report

This is just too neat not to pass along. Get your profile lathed in wood.

Many ways to recycle corks. Makes you wonder what they did with the bottles!

Diary of giving up smoking.

Video: girl is thrown through a basketball hoop.


Talk about timing! There's a great punchline here. Probably more than one. What do YOU make of this?










THE TUNNEL

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

I remember this joke from when I was a kid, except then it was a Frenchman instead of a Canadian, giving the storyteller an opportunity to affect an accent. Thanks to Carl for bringing this deserving joke back (I think he added the part about large breasts himself)!


Thought for today: Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

humor links video funny jokes