Miss Cellania

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Monday, February 26, 2007

Recommended 2/26

If you like thrill rides, but you don’t want to spend all day walking around an expensive theme park, just watch these videos.

What your email extension says about you. So true!

Mike Ashley of It Occurred to Me and Serena Joy of Parenthetically Speaking have unveiled a new blog called Verbicidal Tendencies, which takes a cockeyed look at words and the way we misuse them. They would love your input and submissions!

See where it snowed in New England last week, courtesy of NASA.

Congratulations to my former senator, Al Gore on his Oscar win last night! See the video.

Reasonable Grounds? The Terrorism Act of 2000 says an officer does NOT have to have reasonable grounds to suspect someone before stopping and searching someone. So our civil liberties were being eroded even before 9/11.

I’ve watched this video over and over. Its breathtaking what these snowboarders can do, and even more breathtaking what they can’t, but think they can.

Regarding Rosie O’Donnell’s “ching chong” episode... I wrote about it before, but this guy says it so much better than I could.

An awesome and informative video on transracial adoption.

Today at Miss Cellania: Plumbers. Gotta love ‘em!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Best Links 2/24

Watch this guy solve a Rubik’s Cube with his nose!

The reason why Americans are fat and in debt.

Don’t Treat Your Employers Better Than They Treat You.

Stick Game. How many sticks can you remove before the star falls below the line? I did better than average. (via b3ta)

My social life is still pretty much non-existent, but I got to go on a date in a work of fiction at Freedom’s Place! (Thanks, Whitesnake!)

Charlie the Unicorn. This is weird. (via b3ta)

Every 30 seconds, someone is hit by a drunk driver. Here's that guy.

Cross The Pirates of Penzance with Sir Mix-A-Lot and what do you get? Baby Got Back, Gilbert and Sullivan style.

Mark your calendars: Lunar eclipse March 3rd.

This dog will fetch, despite having only two legs. On one side.

Willard Wigan: Incredible microart that can fit on the head of a pin. (via Dump Trumpet)

How to stop 90% of your junk mail.

More links today at Miss Cellania!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Great Links 2/22

Ten Awesome Sports Destinations.

The strangest high school team names around the country.

I posted a collection of random videos that I really like at Freedom’s Place. You’re sure to enjoy at least one of them!

Stringfever is a group of three brothers and a cousin who play electric stringed instruments. In this video, the four play Ravel’s Bolero on one electric cello!

Monty Python’s Spamalot game. Fling the cows at soldiers to score.

A Streetlight Named Fark. This is TOO funny not to share!

If you see a poor, scared (not to mention endangered) polar bear stranded on the side of a cliff, what do you do? Tranquilize her and drop her in the ocean, of course.

You know how young folks record everything on their video cell phones? Here’s a party tht went downhill fast. Stabbing at Leia’s 22nd Birthday.

At Miss Cellania, you might enjoy posts on Hollywood and Horses.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Recomended 2/20

Today is Mardi Gras! See lots of Mardi Gras entertainment today at Miss Cellania!

Celebrate with a parade! The biggest parades of the season are explained here, with pictures and links to video.

Six ways to celebrate Mardi Gras.

Adolf Hitler: Body Builder? (via Grow-A-Brain)

Why you shouldn’t praise your child’s intelligence. Good advice, too.

Staged Kindness. Putting smile on your face makes you feel better, why not this? (via Abandoned Stuff)

The Graphic Truth: Popularity of Names.

Grow-A-Brain has an Invisible Post.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Recommended 2/19

You should remember theHuman Skateboard video that PES did last year. At Human Skateboarding, find instructions for creating your own stop-motion video, then upload your videos (or still photos) to share and show off. Or just see what other people have produced.

How to open a beer ... with a helicopter.

At Miss Cellania, enjoy posts about Snowmen and New York.

High-speed photography of a cannon shooting high-speed objects at other objects. You have to see it to believe how great that is.

Look at me! I made this with the Portrait Illustration Maker. My hair is a bit longer and curlier, but this is as close as I could get. Go try it yourself!

What a fun game this is! You don’t know Jack. (via YesButNoButYes)

The website is Kiss My Ass, George. Upload your ass and add a message. Browse other’s contributions and see what message they have for George. NSFW.

There will be no smoking in this theater.

What its like to be on welfare.

how to blog. Hint: Don’t capitalize anything. (via Abandoned Stuff)

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Political Links

This post about how American soldiers drive in Iraq has been around a few weeks now, and is still getting comments. It was linked on a couple of Iraqi sites and passed around by US service folks.

President Bush wants to cut cancer research funding for the second year in a row — this time by $40 million.

Veterans face spending cuts for second year in a row. We desperately need that VA funding.

A society is ultimately judged by how it treats it weakest members. A recent UNICEF report shows the the Unites States and the United Kingdom are at the bottom of the list for child welfare among rich countries.

A bill introduced last week by Representative Lamar Smith (R-TX) would require ISPs to record all users' surfing activity, IM conversations and email traffic indefinitely.

A vaccine against HPV sounds like a good idea, right? But you’d have to have way more information than that to know what’s going on.

Profiles in Courage: Zube Girl is in the middle of a high-risk pregnancy. But she still made the effort to testify in front of a Senate Hearing Committee about her experience with rape and unwanted pregnancy years ago, in order to further a bill that would compel hospitals to inform rape victim of their emergency contraception alternatives. It’s sad that the government would have to compel hospitals to provide information, but thats the way it is.

First, take a look at the first prize winner in the World Press photo contest, singles division. Then read the story behind the portrait. More photos here. (via Arbroath)

An Iraqi Interrogator’s Nightmare.

For a little fun, here’s lonelydem07.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I am Spartacus

Happy Valentines Day!

How can you resist a story that begins, “These two streakers fell in love online...” ?

A devastating music video at Freedom’s Place.

Fight the Mooninites and keep Boston safe for advertising in the game Save Boston. (Warning: cheesy music and thick accents) Your score will be ranked as a 70s hairstyle.

A dozen different interpretations of video games in the real world. Each funny in its own way.

The short version of the John Edwards bloggers story. With links.

Bug Orgy. I don’t know if this is an accurate description of how bugs multiply, but that’s not the point. I think the point is to hypnotize you into a catatonic trance at your desk. Downloadable as a screensaver.

A vaccine against HPV sounds like a good idea, right? But you’d have to have way more information than that to know what’s going on.

Sweet treats are a classic for Valentines Day, but these are a little different.

His parachute did not open. He fell 12,000 feet and survived. And he had a helmet-cam. So did his skydiving partner, who found him on the ground. See the video footage at the Daily Mail.

A bill introduced last week by Representative Lamar Smith (R-TX) would require ISPs to record all users' surfing activity, IM conversations and email traffic indefinitely.

A Valentine for Perfect Strangers. On the one hand, this is really silly and even funny in places. On the other hand, it makes me want to adopt this sweet, naive, and lonely cat Otto.

At Miss Cellania, you might enjoy posts on Superheroes and Valentine’s Day.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Recommendations 2/7

Ten good reasons to hate Valentines Day, each with a link to make you feel better about it.

How to decorate a cake for a man: make it look like his favorite gadget.

Coleen is very proud of her grandson Chris’s first music video on YouTube. The production values are awful, but the shining talent in the group is Chris, who does a spot-on Hendrix, plus a solo after the song.

Aquaman had an awful time with a slew of overcharges from Sprint. First, he tried calling customer service. Then, he wrote a letter to the CEO. The CEO wrote back! And here’s how the story ended.

Don’t miss this absolutely fabulous article at Mental Floss about the imaginative ways people have jazzed up the Periodic Table of Elements.

The Union of Concerned Scientists has published The A to Z Guide to Political Interference in Science. You can view the list alphabetcally, by issue area, by timeline, or by agency. You can also locate each listed issue by finding it on their interactive periodic table. Although there’s a lot of material, the issues only go back as far as 2002.

Plaster Casts, Adult Toys, and Celebrity Johnsons.

Remember Fafblog? I miss those guys, but the site is still up so you can read old posts. When I Miss Fafblog, Spot came about, I thought it was just a tribute site. But there is new content there just about every day! Go check it out.

At Miss Cellania, find complete coverage of farts, Aliens from Outer Space, and eyes.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Friday, January 26, 2007

Recommendations 1/26

Where Are They Now? 70’s Rock Groupies.

Ed Bremson of The Tao of Love and The Tao of Politics has started a new specialty blog! Its The Tao of Health, and you should check it out!

John Stewart recaps the State of the Union address.

Simply Left Behind offers a psychoanalysis of the president.

How To Put On A Bra. The stylish way, like I do.

Create your own business cards! Choose from several templates, add your information, change colors, and make a pdf document you can print out. See some examples I made at YesButNoButYes.

Saving Private Nemo. A funny movie remix using the video from Saving Private Ryan and the audio from Finding Nemo.

A gallery of videos featuring very expensive cars... wrecking.

At Miss Cellania, you might enjoy a post on Underthings, or Rent, or Vikings.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Zoo

Part of the goal of our summer vacation was to visit the National Zoo in Washington and see the baby panda Tai Shan, also known as Butterstick. We saw him, but he may as well have been a plush toy from the gift shop they way he curled up and slept through the hot part of the day. His mama Mei Xiang was exactly the same (must be genetic). The problem was that in Washington in August, the hot part of the day is 24 hours long. But the elephants were amazing! They knew how to beat the heat by spraying themselves and everyone within reach with showers of water. The water wasn't particularly cool, but it was a great show. You know its hot when the greatest thrill the kids got from the excursion was the lemonade. Luckily, the other Smithsonian Institution attractions were inside with air conditioning.

-->
Animals that are Better than You (via Arbroath)

Beast Blender lets you design your own animal, using parts of existing animals. Virtually, of course.
Up Butt Coconut. Made me laugh! (via Everlasting Blort

)
The latest innovation in zookeeping is a cat toy designed for the big cats. The Liondrover is designed to give lions a taste of the hunting experience they would have in the wild.
iMockery has a compendium of strange animals in their Wildlife Treasury. This illustration is from the entry for the Galleyworm.
Pavarotti loves elephants! (via Mental Floss)
Elephant Encyclopedia. (via Ursi’s Blog)
Useless Advice from Useless Men: Man vs. Crocodile. Who will win?
Kids will love Bembo's Zoo! Click on a letter to see an animal rendered from the letters of its name. (via Neatorama)

GORILLA CAGE

(Thanks, Eva!)
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and he gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

THE ZEBRA'S RETIREMENT

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a cow," said the cow.
"Right, right, what do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool."
The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round."
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
Dancing Animals (via Arbroath)

Thought for today: If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay. -Bob Dole

humor jokes video funny games zoo animals wildlife zebra gorilla

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Desert Island

Its a fantasy! Its a nightmare! Its a sitcom! Its an oft-used fantasy and a nightmare, being stranded on a deserted island in the tropics. In the fantasy scenario (and we’ve all done this), its “If only I had him/her all to myself, with no interference from the outside, maybe on a desert island, maybe then he/she would pay attention to me...” plus the beach, the sunshine, and lack of boss/parents/spouse/priest helps make the fantasy look pretty good.

There is also the dark side; the nightmare. How could I could without my computer/cigarettes/TV/spouse/whatever? Would I be able to survive? To keep my moral fiber? To eat seafood? The whole idea lends itself well to fiction: Robinson Crusoe, The Swiss Family Robinson, Gilligan’s Island, Lord of the Flies, Castaway, Survivor, Lost. I’m sure there’s more.

If you haven’t seen the Tom Hanks movie Castaway (I haven’t), at least you’ve seen the FedEx spot that summed it up.

How to Chunk a Pineapple Like a South Seas Island Boy. (via Ursi’s Blog)

Send a message in the form of a hula dance! (via the Generator Blog)

Read (and see) the history of screensaver Johnny Castaway, and download those classic screensavers.

The question remains: Ginger or Mary Ann? The answer could get you into trouble!

Maybe a pie fight will decide between the two!

THE STRANDED ENGINEER

(Thanks, Eva!)

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer,desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunwhale from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean........??!

"Yes you can.." She breathed..

"Wow! You actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?!!"

If you were stranded on a desert island...

What food would geeks take?

What famous person would you want with you?

Could you catch a cold?

How would you construct a bra?

What book would kids bring?

What movies would comedians want with them?

Would you drink urine or sea water?

What beer would you long for?

What would people in a bar take?

BEANS

Three guys are alone on a desert island: an engineer, a biologist and an economist. They are starving and don't have a thing to eat, but somehow they find a can of beans on the shore.

The engineer says: "Let's hit the can with a rock until it opens."

The biologist has another idea: "No. We should wait for a while. Erosion will do the job."

Finally, the economist says: "Let's assume that we have a can opener".

LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYBODY

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

And two American men and one American woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to each other and to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they're perfectly satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

UNPAID BILLS

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

SKIN

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God! I’ve been marooned!"

After all, it might not be that bad!

Thought for today: Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they'd leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a source of meat. These islands, they were pristine. These were home to breeds of birds with no natural predators. Breeds of birds that lived nowhere else on earth. The plants there, without enemies they evolved without thorns or poisons. Without predators and enemies, these islands, they were paradise. The sailors, the next time they visited these islands, the only things still there would be herds of goats or pigs. .... Does this remind you of anything? Maybe the ol' Adam and Eve story? .... You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

Chuck Palahniuk

Original comments after the jump.

Sadie Hawkins Day

It all started when Hekzebiah Hawkins, a prominent resident of Dogpatch, realized that he might just end up supporting his darling daughter Sadie all her life, since she was just too ugly to land a husband. That just wouldn’t do. Therefore, he came up with a foot race in which the first bachelor Sadie caught and drug back to the starting point would have to marry her. The rest of the unmarried women of Dogpatch thought that was a great idea, so they turned the race into an annual event where gals pursued the town's bachelors, with matrimony the consequence. It became known as Sadie Hawkins Day, in honor of the ugliest woman in Dogpatch.

This story was first mentioned in the November 13, 1937 edition of the comic strip Li’l Abner by Al Capp. Sadie Hawkins Day became an integral part of the strip, which ran until 1977. College campuses picked up on the idea, with the first Sadie Hawkins Day dance being held at Morris Harvey College in 1938. The idea spread like wildfire! Life magazine reported that over 200 colleges held Sadie Hawkins Day events only two years after the first strip about it ran. The concept was very popular for about thirty years. The real-life versions of Sadie Hawkins Day involved girls asking boys for a date to the dance, a technique which was fairly rare at the time. It was also an excuse for people to poke fun at hillbillies, with participants dressing up in Dogpatch style.

Sometimes a “king and queen” of the dance would be crowned, under the names Li’l Abner and Daisy Mae. But you know what? Hillbillies are the best at making fun of themselves.

Although some contend that Sadie Hawkins Day is February 29th, a date that only occurs once every four years, that just wouldn’t work for those who yearn for an annual ~~chance~~ event. In 1952, Al Capp wrote: "It's become my responsibility [to include Sadie Hawkins Day every year in the strip.] It doesn't happen on any set day in November; it happens on the day I say it happens. I get tens of thousands of letters from colleges, communities, and church groups, starting around July, asking me what day, so they can make plans."

Sadie Hawkins Day has inspired other artists. Here's a Sadie Hawkins Day cartoon, and a short story. The concept has been used in TV shows, like Even Stevens and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

As with any holiday, there are plenty of products to go with it. Send a Sadie Hawkins Day ecard! There are several available.

Buy a Sadie Hawkins Day button! The Lil Abner strips are available in book form. This one has the 1937 origins of Sadie Hawkins day.

MSN has advice on how a woman can ask a man for a date.

Mike wrote a funny and off-color Sadie Hawkins Day story at It Occurred to Me.

150 Clues that You Married a Redneck.

She said, OK, I’m not a redneck, but I want a redneck themed wedding. Newsflash, girl, this means you ARE a redneck.

Sadie Hawkins Dance by Relient K

Hillbilly Honeymoon

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting.

One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"

THE HONEYMOON

A week after their wedding, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

”Grape."

Thought for today: Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men. -Joseph Conrad

See also: Redneck Wedding

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Romance Novels

My reading material has always leaned heavily towards non-fiction; biography, history, science, news, opinions, and DIY. I had never gotten into romance novels. I had never even read one, until this summer. The kids and I vacationed at the beach, in a motel room with no phone, no TV, and no internet access. I took a few trashy novels to fill those insomniac hours while the kids slept and I waited for the sunrise over the Atlantic.

Once I started, I couldn't put them down. Hooboy, is it hot in here or what? Even as I read and beamed into fantasyland, I also found myself deconstructing the romance formula. Yeah, I already knew the formula, but I didn't expect it to be SO cheesy, and so consistant from book to book. And I learned the formula required much overuse of the word "somehow". I finished three novels in four nights.

When I got home, I bought a few more. Easy to do, since they are about a quarter, used. It was a totally different experience at home! As I was reading the revolutionary history of some far off country, along with the description of the main character (a willowy but spirited creature once again named Kate), I wondered if the washing machine was done. Or reminding myself to balance the checkbook. It just wasn't the same. A waste of time. Now I know where the term "beach reading" came from. So I skipped to the end, where the sexual payoff is always waiting. Yep, there it is, but that's not the same, either. For the Total Romantic Fantasy Experience, you need the buildup, the sexual tension, the conflict, desire, and jealousy. Without it, erotica become pornography. Its a woman thing. The deux ex machina happy ending always pisses me off, but its part of the formula.

So I am no longer reading romance novels. But I can still have fun with them! Mark Longmire had lots of fun photoshopping romance novel covers. The images in this entry are his. His results inspired others to do the same and submit to his website. You'll find a button for the dirty ones at the bottom of this page.

If you want to see how the latest romance novels stack up, Mrs. Giggles has a site full of reviews, with a sense of humor.

You can have a romance novel written with yourself as the main character, and your husband/wife/lover/stalking target as the love interest. The perfect gift for that someone special in your life. Of course, as cheap as I am, all I've done is email myself previews featuring me and my fantasy lust object (you know who you are).

Missy had to admit he was a rather attractive man, neatly attired in not much of anything. She scanned his athletic frame and stopped at an arresting pair of blue eyes peeking out beneath a rather large cowboy hat, set atop blonde hair. The stranger approached the bar, wearing a smoldering smile across a handsomely rugged jaw.
     "What can I do for you?" she said coolly.
     "What's your specialty," he flirted, leaning against the bar, flashing his big blues.
     "Sarcasm," was the sharp reply. "Care for a double?" Missy had spent the morning cleaning the saloon's eaves troughs and was feeling filthy, embarrassed and annoyed all at the same time. She was in no mood for flirtation.

Put in his place, Naked cleared his throat and introduced himself as The Naked Cowboy, a foreman with the Grand Humber railroad. "Ma'am, just call me Naked," he said, trying to make amends.
"Well the guy you're looking for? The hotel manager? That's me. I'm also the owner, Miss Cellania," she said coolly, giving a little and extending her hand.

Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines

15 "Hers was a dark and stormy loin."

14 "The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs
rippling in the dappled light."

13 "Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

12 "Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that."

11 "Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible."

10 "Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

9 "Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

8 "Long auburn hair flowing out behind her, dress billowing in the breeze, Cassandra had given in to gravity's pull and hit the pavement like a bag of fresh phlegm."

7 "I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

6 "The very sight of him made me forget Paris & long for New Jersey."

5 "With great trepidation, Richard Jewell walked the six flights of stairs to the apartment he shared with his mother."

4 "Her bosom was heaving uncontrollably; she doubted she'd make it to the toilet on time."

3 "I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

2 "The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."

and the Number Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...

"Marv strutted into the Ritz with a twinkle in his eye and a gleam in his incisors."

Thought for today: Men fantasize that their wives DON'T fantasize.
This post originally appeared on September 20, 2005
humor jokes romance funny romance novels literature chick lit