Mars and Venus, Introduction

Gender differences have always fascinated me. As it does most of the human race, I presume. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so I'm beginning a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I also think women are wonderful, and I'm glad to be one. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are between men and women as groups. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you look like you need a laugh. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun.

Some researchers say that men can have 'women's brains' and that women can think more like men. Find out more about 'brain sex' differences by taking the Sex ID test, a series of visual challenges and questions used by psychologists in the BBC One television series Secrets of the Sexes.

How are men and women different? Besides the obvious, here is a short intro course.

*Handwriting:*

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented,colored stationery and they dot the "i" with
circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and
"g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman.Even when she's dumping
you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

*Groceries:*

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the
store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that
looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

*Relationships:*

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate
You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
get over this need.

*Sex:*

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place part of the foreplay.

*Maturity:*

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

*Magazines:*

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.

*Bathrooms:*

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom--a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap,and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

*Shoes:*

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk
about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

*Cats:*

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

*Children: *

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

*Dressing Up:*

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

*Laundry:*

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before
he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear
a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women
at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes
of "Love American Style."

*Eating Out:*

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even
though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

*Mirrors:*

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

*Menopause:*

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

*The Phone:*

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

*Richard Gere:*

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.

*Madonna:*

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

*Toys*

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive, silly, and impractical. Examples of
men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on
command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least
6 "D" batteries to operate.

*Cameras:*

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.

*Locker Rooms:*

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,f ootball,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.

*Movies*

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

*Jewelry*

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

*Conversation*

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow,
great movie." or "What are you,nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi
that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside
looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night,
wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

*Leg Warmers*

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

*Friends*

Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

*Restrooms*

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met
will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also
go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse them-
selves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a rest-
room will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history
of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join
me?"


Thought for today: Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!