Miss Cellania

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Friday, January 26, 2007

Recommendations 1/26

Where Are They Now? 70’s Rock Groupies.

Ed Bremson of The Tao of Love and The Tao of Politics has started a new specialty blog! Its The Tao of Health, and you should check it out!

John Stewart recaps the State of the Union address.

Simply Left Behind offers a psychoanalysis of the president.

How To Put On A Bra. The stylish way, like I do.

Create your own business cards! Choose from several templates, add your information, change colors, and make a pdf document you can print out. See some examples I made at YesButNoButYes.

Saving Private Nemo. A funny movie remix using the video from Saving Private Ryan and the audio from Finding Nemo.

A gallery of videos featuring very expensive cars... wrecking.

At Miss Cellania, you might enjoy a post on Underthings, or Rent, or Vikings.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Zoo

Part of the goal of our summer vacation was to visit the National Zoo in Washington and see the baby panda Tai Shan, also known as Butterstick. We saw him, but he may as well have been a plush toy from the gift shop they way he curled up and slept through the hot part of the day. His mama Mei Xiang was exactly the same (must be genetic). The problem was that in Washington in August, the hot part of the day is 24 hours long. But the elephants were amazing! They knew how to beat the heat by spraying themselves and everyone within reach with showers of water. The water wasn't particularly cool, but it was a great show. You know its hot when the greatest thrill the kids got from the excursion was the lemonade. Luckily, the other Smithsonian Institution attractions were inside with air conditioning.

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Animals that are Better than You (via Arbroath)

Beast Blender lets you design your own animal, using parts of existing animals. Virtually, of course.
Up Butt Coconut. Made me laugh! (via Everlasting Blort

)
The latest innovation in zookeeping is a cat toy designed for the big cats. The Liondrover is designed to give lions a taste of the hunting experience they would have in the wild.
iMockery has a compendium of strange animals in their Wildlife Treasury. This illustration is from the entry for the Galleyworm.
Pavarotti loves elephants! (via Mental Floss)
Elephant Encyclopedia. (via Ursi’s Blog)
Useless Advice from Useless Men: Man vs. Crocodile. Who will win?
Kids will love Bembo's Zoo! Click on a letter to see an animal rendered from the letters of its name. (via Neatorama)

GORILLA CAGE

(Thanks, Eva!)
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and he gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

THE ZEBRA'S RETIREMENT

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a cow," said the cow.
"Right, right, what do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool."
The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see ya round."
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
Dancing Animals (via Arbroath)

Thought for today: If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay. -Bob Dole

humor jokes video funny games zoo animals wildlife zebra gorilla

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Desert Island

Its a fantasy! Its a nightmare! Its a sitcom! Its an oft-used fantasy and a nightmare, being stranded on a deserted island in the tropics. In the fantasy scenario (and we’ve all done this), its “If only I had him/her all to myself, with no interference from the outside, maybe on a desert island, maybe then he/she would pay attention to me...” plus the beach, the sunshine, and lack of boss/parents/spouse/priest helps make the fantasy look pretty good.

There is also the dark side; the nightmare. How could I could without my computer/cigarettes/TV/spouse/whatever? Would I be able to survive? To keep my moral fiber? To eat seafood? The whole idea lends itself well to fiction: Robinson Crusoe, The Swiss Family Robinson, Gilligan’s Island, Lord of the Flies, Castaway, Survivor, Lost. I’m sure there’s more.

If you haven’t seen the Tom Hanks movie Castaway (I haven’t), at least you’ve seen the FedEx spot that summed it up.

How to Chunk a Pineapple Like a South Seas Island Boy. (via Ursi’s Blog)

Send a message in the form of a hula dance! (via the Generator Blog)

Read (and see) the history of screensaver Johnny Castaway, and download those classic screensavers.

The question remains: Ginger or Mary Ann? The answer could get you into trouble!

Maybe a pie fight will decide between the two!

THE STRANDED ENGINEER

(Thanks, Eva!)

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer,desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunwhale from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean........??!

"Yes you can.." She breathed..

"Wow! You actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?!!"

If you were stranded on a desert island...

What food would geeks take?

What famous person would you want with you?

Could you catch a cold?

How would you construct a bra?

What book would kids bring?

What movies would comedians want with them?

Would you drink urine or sea water?

What beer would you long for?

What would people in a bar take?

BEANS

Three guys are alone on a desert island: an engineer, a biologist and an economist. They are starving and don't have a thing to eat, but somehow they find a can of beans on the shore.

The engineer says: "Let's hit the can with a rock until it opens."

The biologist has another idea: "No. We should wait for a while. Erosion will do the job."

Finally, the economist says: "Let's assume that we have a can opener".

LETS JUST OFFEND EVERYBODY

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

And two American men and one American woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to each other and to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they're perfectly satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

UNPAID BILLS

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

SKIN

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God! I’ve been marooned!"

After all, it might not be that bad!

Thought for today: Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they'd leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a source of meat. These islands, they were pristine. These were home to breeds of birds with no natural predators. Breeds of birds that lived nowhere else on earth. The plants there, without enemies they evolved without thorns or poisons. Without predators and enemies, these islands, they were paradise. The sailors, the next time they visited these islands, the only things still there would be herds of goats or pigs. .... Does this remind you of anything? Maybe the ol' Adam and Eve story? .... You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

Chuck Palahniuk

Original comments after the jump.

Sadie Hawkins Day

It all started when Hekzebiah Hawkins, a prominent resident of Dogpatch, realized that he might just end up supporting his darling daughter Sadie all her life, since she was just too ugly to land a husband. That just wouldn’t do. Therefore, he came up with a foot race in which the first bachelor Sadie caught and drug back to the starting point would have to marry her. The rest of the unmarried women of Dogpatch thought that was a great idea, so they turned the race into an annual event where gals pursued the town's bachelors, with matrimony the consequence. It became known as Sadie Hawkins Day, in honor of the ugliest woman in Dogpatch.

This story was first mentioned in the November 13, 1937 edition of the comic strip Li’l Abner by Al Capp. Sadie Hawkins Day became an integral part of the strip, which ran until 1977. College campuses picked up on the idea, with the first Sadie Hawkins Day dance being held at Morris Harvey College in 1938. The idea spread like wildfire! Life magazine reported that over 200 colleges held Sadie Hawkins Day events only two years after the first strip about it ran. The concept was very popular for about thirty years. The real-life versions of Sadie Hawkins Day involved girls asking boys for a date to the dance, a technique which was fairly rare at the time. It was also an excuse for people to poke fun at hillbillies, with participants dressing up in Dogpatch style.

Sometimes a “king and queen” of the dance would be crowned, under the names Li’l Abner and Daisy Mae. But you know what? Hillbillies are the best at making fun of themselves.

Although some contend that Sadie Hawkins Day is February 29th, a date that only occurs once every four years, that just wouldn’t work for those who yearn for an annual ~~chance~~ event. In 1952, Al Capp wrote: "It's become my responsibility [to include Sadie Hawkins Day every year in the strip.] It doesn't happen on any set day in November; it happens on the day I say it happens. I get tens of thousands of letters from colleges, communities, and church groups, starting around July, asking me what day, so they can make plans."

Sadie Hawkins Day has inspired other artists. Here's a Sadie Hawkins Day cartoon, and a short story. The concept has been used in TV shows, like Even Stevens and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

As with any holiday, there are plenty of products to go with it. Send a Sadie Hawkins Day ecard! There are several available.

Buy a Sadie Hawkins Day button! The Lil Abner strips are available in book form. This one has the 1937 origins of Sadie Hawkins day.

MSN has advice on how a woman can ask a man for a date.

Mike wrote a funny and off-color Sadie Hawkins Day story at It Occurred to Me.

150 Clues that You Married a Redneck.

She said, OK, I’m not a redneck, but I want a redneck themed wedding. Newsflash, girl, this means you ARE a redneck.

Sadie Hawkins Dance by Relient K

Hillbilly Honeymoon

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting.

One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"

THE HONEYMOON

A week after their wedding, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

”Grape."

Thought for today: Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men. -Joseph Conrad

See also: Redneck Wedding

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Romance Novels

My reading material has always leaned heavily towards non-fiction; biography, history, science, news, opinions, and DIY. I had never gotten into romance novels. I had never even read one, until this summer. The kids and I vacationed at the beach, in a motel room with no phone, no TV, and no internet access. I took a few trashy novels to fill those insomniac hours while the kids slept and I waited for the sunrise over the Atlantic.

Once I started, I couldn't put them down. Hooboy, is it hot in here or what? Even as I read and beamed into fantasyland, I also found myself deconstructing the romance formula. Yeah, I already knew the formula, but I didn't expect it to be SO cheesy, and so consistant from book to book. And I learned the formula required much overuse of the word "somehow". I finished three novels in four nights.

When I got home, I bought a few more. Easy to do, since they are about a quarter, used. It was a totally different experience at home! As I was reading the revolutionary history of some far off country, along with the description of the main character (a willowy but spirited creature once again named Kate), I wondered if the washing machine was done. Or reminding myself to balance the checkbook. It just wasn't the same. A waste of time. Now I know where the term "beach reading" came from. So I skipped to the end, where the sexual payoff is always waiting. Yep, there it is, but that's not the same, either. For the Total Romantic Fantasy Experience, you need the buildup, the sexual tension, the conflict, desire, and jealousy. Without it, erotica become pornography. Its a woman thing. The deux ex machina happy ending always pisses me off, but its part of the formula.

So I am no longer reading romance novels. But I can still have fun with them! Mark Longmire had lots of fun photoshopping romance novel covers. The images in this entry are his. His results inspired others to do the same and submit to his website. You'll find a button for the dirty ones at the bottom of this page.

If you want to see how the latest romance novels stack up, Mrs. Giggles has a site full of reviews, with a sense of humor.

You can have a romance novel written with yourself as the main character, and your husband/wife/lover/stalking target as the love interest. The perfect gift for that someone special in your life. Of course, as cheap as I am, all I've done is email myself previews featuring me and my fantasy lust object (you know who you are).

Missy had to admit he was a rather attractive man, neatly attired in not much of anything. She scanned his athletic frame and stopped at an arresting pair of blue eyes peeking out beneath a rather large cowboy hat, set atop blonde hair. The stranger approached the bar, wearing a smoldering smile across a handsomely rugged jaw.
     "What can I do for you?" she said coolly.
     "What's your specialty," he flirted, leaning against the bar, flashing his big blues.
     "Sarcasm," was the sharp reply. "Care for a double?" Missy had spent the morning cleaning the saloon's eaves troughs and was feeling filthy, embarrassed and annoyed all at the same time. She was in no mood for flirtation.

Put in his place, Naked cleared his throat and introduced himself as The Naked Cowboy, a foreman with the Grand Humber railroad. "Ma'am, just call me Naked," he said, trying to make amends.
"Well the guy you're looking for? The hotel manager? That's me. I'm also the owner, Miss Cellania," she said coolly, giving a little and extending her hand.

Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines

15 "Hers was a dark and stormy loin."

14 "The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs
rippling in the dappled light."

13 "Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

12 "Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that."

11 "Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible."

10 "Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

9 "Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

8 "Long auburn hair flowing out behind her, dress billowing in the breeze, Cassandra had given in to gravity's pull and hit the pavement like a bag of fresh phlegm."

7 "I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

6 "The very sight of him made me forget Paris & long for New Jersey."

5 "With great trepidation, Richard Jewell walked the six flights of stairs to the apartment he shared with his mother."

4 "Her bosom was heaving uncontrollably; she doubted she'd make it to the toilet on time."

3 "I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

2 "The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."

and the Number Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...

"Marv strutted into the Ritz with a twinkle in his eye and a gleam in his incisors."

Thought for today: Men fantasize that their wives DON'T fantasize.
This post originally appeared on September 20, 2005
humor jokes romance funny romance novels literature chick lit

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The New Miss Cellania

I'm still publishing new material everyday, at a different location. Please come see my new site at Miss Cellania. If you want to link the new site, please use the URL http://www.misscellania.com

I want to say a big THANK YOU to Saskboy, who came in here and fixed what was wrong with this site, in order for me to post a redirect notice. He accomplished this task on the one-year anniversary of the day I started this blog. What an appropriate Blogiversary gift!

I especially invite evryone to come see my first exclusive video, Computer Trap Shoot, starring my old iMac in its final (but spectacular) performance as a moving target.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Computer Trap Shoot

It's July 4th tradition for folks to get together and destroy obsolete electronics.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Redneck Wedding

If you’ve been to more than a few weddings in your lifetime, you probably have one that stands out in your mind as THE redneck wedding. I have at least a dozen in my past, but NOT MINE. Just because the bride (me) tended bar at the reception, or the rehearsal dinner was held out on the porch of my apartment complex, or we danced to polka music at a Chinese restaurant doesn’t make it a redneck wedding.. or does it? No, mine was small potatoes compared to the redneck weddings I've found reported on the internet, where you can become famous for doing some incredibly tacky things.

Uncle Bob on the Redneck Wedding from Hell.

Another first hand account.

Yet another.

And... another.

The groom wore camoflage.

You can buy The Redneck Wedding Planner.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom: at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

More redneck wedding etiquette.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING

10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters

9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"

8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That"

6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden

5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"

3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos

2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally

....And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!

One important hallmark of a redneck wedding is the bridesmaids dresses. They have to be extremely ugly. This can happen at any wedding, as most bridesmaids know. See some of the worst at The Dress Incinerator, and at Ugly Dress.

Some pretty redneckish shenanigans going on at these weddings!

WEDDING ALBUM

(click to enlarge)

THE GUN SHOP

A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and Demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $12,000.

The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."

Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.

The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."

The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $299.95.

The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an informal wedding."

Thought for today: A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

PS: The guys at File It Under are having a contest for the most creative punishment for spammers. Cash prizes!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Come see my new site!

I have set up a new site at Miss Cellania. I had thought about getting a new hosting service for a while, and I opened a Squarespace account about 24 hours before Blogger went kaput on me. When this site froze up (I couldn't post, I couldn't change the settings, I COULD leave a comment, but the comment count stayed at "one" for the day), I had to hurry up and throw the new site together, so its still a little raw. But my brother finally made me some banner art, and you're all invited over for new content!

This site (I hope) will stay up long enough for me to import the old files. I haven't been able to do that yet, so if you are looking for a previously published subject, you can find an index here.

Thank you for your time and patience! And be sure to tell others about the new address.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Motherhood

Every year, as I have for I-don’t-know-how-many years, I worry about what to get my mother for Mother’s Day. Nothing ever seemed special enough or personal enough for the woman who is my hero more than any other person. She came from a family that was so poor they didn’t even brag about it like so many do. She left home by herself at 17 to become the first college student in the family, on full scholarship. She raised her two kids plus her two youngest brothers, worked, earned a Masters degree, nursed my dad through many illnesses, then after his death she “retired” and joined the Peace Corps. Now, at an age where there are 50 women to every man, SHE has a steady boyfriend. I only wish I could be half the woman she is.

And every year, I have to stop and remember that I am a mother now, too! I joined the club late, in an unorthodox manner, but I have to get the proof out of bed and off to school every morning. So I also get to enjoy the angst my daughters go through trying to find (or make) the perfect Mother’s Day gift.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

* You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting,and walking the dog.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

You might enjoy this Mother’s Day game: Don’t Make Mama Cry. (via Arbroath)

Check out the Mother’s Day Shrine.

Gifts you should NOT give for Mother’s Day.

Johnny Dain’s Mother’s Day Gift Ideas.

Mamacita suggests some Mother’s Day Fun Gifts.

THE MOMMY TEST (Thanks, Jeanine!)

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

A Mothers' Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. to do the FEEDING

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY: The art of spacing your children the proper PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Elementary school age children answered the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

GOD could not be everywhere. That's why he made mothers. -Jewish Proverb

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? -Milton Berle

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job. -Roseanne Arnold

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease -Lisa Alther

The phrase 'Working Mother' is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Thought for today: It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

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Menopause

No, I’m not there yet, but in the AP circles I hang with, I hear a lot about menopause. Women discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly, not to mention the horrifying! But you have to laugh, because our great-great-grandmothers didn’t live long enough to experience the joy of “The Change.” And our grandmas didn’t have HRT. We had a lot of laughs figuring that I’d be dealing with menopause at approximately the same time my two daughters go through puberty. Uh oh, I think I may have just destroyed any chance of a long-term relationship with a man!

I witnessed a hot flash just the other day. A woman was reading the scripture at Sunday School when she stopped and said "I'm going to have a Little Summer here." Immediately, three other women reached into their purses, retrieved fans, and starting fanning her! Sisterhood rules!

Menopause: Is it really for you? Like we have a choice! But this is a good, if somewhat twisted, primer on "The Change”.

Omegamom on hot flashes.

Sue created an entire blog about it: My Menopause Blog.

Beer may help. At least they are working on it!

Minnie Pauz has lots of funny menopause links.

I found a gift shop for menopausal women who want to be in “Flashion”.

There’s even a Broadwa y mus ical about it.

Daddio came across the male equivalent.

MIDLIFE MUSINGS (Thanks, Jeanine!)

I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end. I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be...
Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know- it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

MOOD SWINGS AND MOOD RINGS (Thanks, Del!)

Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my
mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm
in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me diamonds. Here, have some chocolate.

Thought for today: I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. -Erma Bombeck

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Monday, May 08, 2006

Sex and the Senior Citizen

Nobody wants to give up the good stuff just because they get old! However, sometimes you have to make allowances for bodies that no longer do what they once did. And there’s that pesky little business about men who die off too early and leave a shortage for us women. But if you can get past that, more power to ya! The Baby Boomer generation, who now stares old age in the face, is trying to hold back the hands of time by sheer willpower... and doing a pretty good job of it!

A senior love story.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

"OLD" IS WHEN. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Love making tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial beforeyou begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6 Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice

THE MUSEUM

Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so large!" The first old lady accidentally blurted out, "And cold, too!"

TWO SISTERS

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag. "The Cambridge Distorter" told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD BOTH OF US?"

THE FIANCE

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

THE PRESCRIPTION

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

THE HAT

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

THE ENCOUNTER

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“For what did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single...”

THE PROPOSAL

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Previously on Miss Cellania: Old Folks

Thought for today: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

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