Literary Mama

My very first book review! I can’t believe this deal, I get a new book, and all I have to do is read it and tell you about it. W00t! I’m qualified because a) I’m a mother, b) I have a blog, and c) I can read. So I received Literary Mama in the mail and started reading. There are photos to prove it.

Its a compilation of fiction, nonfiction, poetry, and other thoughtful works of varying length from writers who are also mothers. The two aren’t mutually exclusive, although the introduction explains how it may appear to be, considering the dearth of maternally-minded literature. The state of motherhood gives a whole new dimension to writing, because it gives a whole new dimension to emotions. Motherhood doesn’t snuff out the ability to write, only the available time. And for a born writer, the time will be found. You’ll find out all about the impetus for this book at the Literary Mama site and the Literary Mama blog.

Quite a variety of topics here, which is refreshing. I could read a short story, or a long article, and not worry about losing my place, since I couldn’t put it down anyway. The only thing these authors have in common is that they are mothers and writers. Not all of the experiences related here are universal, but they all touch a place in our hearts. For example, I don’t have any sons, but I laughed out loud til my sides split at “Analyzing Ben”, a story that I referenced in my Little Boys post. Jennifer Eyre White is the author/engineer who calculated that her son was 15.3 times as likely to do something dangerous as her daughter.

The section on Sex, Fertility, and the Body turned the temperature up in whatever room I was reading in. Just what this lonely widder needs! The stories are not designed to be titillating, but to be real. And they are. Both.

I had put off reading the section entitled Surviving Illness and Loss until the last minute. I finally read it Tuesday, the absolute worst day I could have selected. February 7th was my late husband’s birthday. It was also my second day of cigarette withdrawal, so I was already primed to either blow up or fall apart. The stories of loss are devastating, but also cathartic. After reading “Johnny” by Heidi Raykeil, I was ready to go out and get a tattoo, which I’d never considered before. Maybe a bass guitar on my butt.

You’ll relate to some of the stories, and the ones you don’t relate to, you’ll learn from. I understood the writers who dealt with infertility, with people who question your motherhood, with death in the family, and who love a child with a serious problem. I understand the universal mother-guilt. I don’t have experience with labor pains, sons, or the Empty Nest Syndrome, but I enjoyed those stories as well. I can easily put myself in these writers’ places. The stories are that vivid.

You don’t have to be a mother to enjoy Literary Mama. If you are, you’ll love it! If you aren’t, it will help you understand the mothers you know. AND you’ll enjoy it.

Literary Mama is subtitled Reading for the Maternally Inclined. Edited by Andrea J. Buchanan (not this one) and Amy Hudock. You can see the introduction here. Available at Amazon and at a bookstore near you. Pick up a copy, and let people think you really do read more than the TV Guide.

You'll find much better reviews here and here.

Thought for today: ...these are writers who do not deserve to be forgotten. -Literary Mama introduction.

Update for the regulars: Three days not smoking. Outside of the homicidal fantasies and the out-of-body experiences, I'm doing OK. This better be worth it.

book review Literary Mama Andi Buchanan literature compilation

Squirrels

Why a post about squirrels? Because they are funny. Because people manipulate them to make them more funny. Because they remind me of their presence every day as they run across my porch, vainly searching for the dog food that used to be there when I had a dog. The firewood isn't stacked all that neatly; they probably have a few nests in there. Because I just managed to have a lot of squirrely material. Please enjoy some of it!

Squirrels are trying to take over the world!

The story of the EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Squirrels have been training for covert military operations.

Squirrel vs. cat. All this over nuts the cat won’t eat anyway. Or is it bait?


Suger Bush Squirrel, the superstar of squirrels.

Finnegan was a baby squirrel adopted by a mother dog. (Thanks, Kip!)

Twiggy, the water-skiing squirrel. There is a video at this site.

Mr. & Mrs. Jean and Barbara Gosselin Orwigsburg, PA. took in an orphaned gray squirrel. No one cared that they had this squirrel, until Game Officer William Dingman cited them for possessing illegal wildlife. Nutkin the squirrel was taken from them. Two years later, after many court battles, Nutkin was returned to her family. Read all about it at Operation Bring Nutkin Home.

Squirrels attack and kill dog.

Send a virtual squirrel.

Squirrels identify each other by scent.

The Outwitting Squirrels Society.

Video of a squirrel repellant in action. Some people get their kicks in odd ways. I bet they also watch the bug zapper.

You can buy a Bring-to-life Squirrel Kit.. containing a dead squirrel and some Red Bull. Its not selling all that well.


THE LESSON

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well, "said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

HUNTING TRIP

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

"I guess I just panicked...."

You Are A: Squirrel!

Squirrels are quick and cheerful animals who spend their time scurrying, scavenging, and playing. As a squirrel, you are often seen jumping happily from branch to branch up in the treetops. Squirrels are foragers searching for nuts and seeds, and they are social animals often seen chasing and playing with other squirrels.

You were almost a: Pony or a Monkey
You are least like a: Turtle or a GroundhogDiscover What Cute Animal You Are!

RERUN JOKE

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town.
After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
(Thanks, April!)





DRUNK SQUIRRELS

It doesn't take a lot of imagination to find a dead squirrel and pose it with a bottle, but I'll put them here because its expected.



































Thought for today: How do you expect me to do something original if you won't tell me what?


humor links video funny squirrel

Parking

Hey! Ya wanna go parking? I know a great spot-right here! If you were ever teased about your inability to parralel park, I've got some examples to make you feel better about it. If you've ever parked as badly as these folks, you could end up on the internet!

About the other kind of parking- there comes a certain age when that just doesn't appeal anymore, no matter how big your backseat is. Thats why we buy houses! Still, the memories of that '69 GTO Judge and that gravel National Forest access road...

**************

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

*************

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

PARKING SPOTS

















































































More at I Park Like An Idiot. Bumper stickers available. Lots of photos.

Learn all about Fancy Parking.

Solve your parking problems with the new Tango.


Don’t park here. We mean it.

IN THE PARKING LOT (Thanks, Wendy!)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

MORAL OF THE STORY? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!

If you liked any of this so far, you will LOVE A Fine Display of Parking Skills. (via the Presurfer)

Thought for today: Authorized parking is forbidden!

humor links humor links funny jokes automobile car auto parking

Treasure Trove of Links

There have been several places where I've read that "nobody reads blogs on the weekend", so they publish a throwaway post. Seems strange to me, why bother, when you could just skip a day? I sometimes have MORE readers on the weekend. Does that make me a weirdo? (I can hear the answer now... you ARE a weirdo, MC, but you can't blame it on your readers!) Maybe people who have no life attract other people who have no life. Que sera sera.

Its been a month and two days since I lost the ability to load blogspot.com sites. Several of you have been so kind as the send me links to individual posts, which I cannot open. If you want me to read your posts, you'll have to copy and paste the text. Sorry. I'm happy to say that Blogger Help has finally ascertained that I am not a helpless idiot who doesn't know how to click a link, and they are giving me some real geek advice. I may be a tyro, but I can follow directions. I also rewired the phone system in my house, so pat this blonde on the back!

Thanks to Cheryl at Mad Baggage for the title of this post! Also, you may have noticed the quote at the top of the page. Or not, so look now. If you leave an overblown flattering comment, I may put yours up there. And wouldn't THAT be cause for celebration (pfft)! BTW, this post contains a topless picture of Mariah Carey. Since you've read this far, you deserve to know what's ahead.

Bunny Rabbits, Satan, Cheese, and Milk. As weird as it is, this tune is quite catchy.

How the FBI is tracking terrorists on the internet.


Make your own South Park character at Planearium. I tried making one that looks like me (at left), but I had trouble getting the hair right. I also have trouble getting the hair right in real life!

Trembicky is a website for landlord horror stories.

The Wand. I loved this cartoon! It won the Grand Prize in the Intel Indies Film Contest. Deservedly so.

The Death Psychic. I could have used this for the Death post. The best links come in a day late.

Eerie, amazing, and gross. Brain surgery in the animal kingdom. After reading that, you're gonna need a chaser. Especially us women.

Another Office parody video.

Stress-reliever aquarium (flash).

David Hasselhoff does Hooked on a Feeling.

Perspective in room painting. Stand here and see this, stand there and see something much more awesome.

Once again, I will humiliate myself for your entertainmet. Here's my Muglet. Play with the buttons on the left to make it dance. You can make your own, several styles available, mostly male. I had no luck at all naming mine or emailing it.

You could almost see it coming. Broke Mac Mountain. (Thanks, Carl!)

You should’ve seen this one coming, too: Brokeback to the Future.

MSNBC sex survey. (Thanks, Ed!)

A term paper that’s not only worth stealing, its worth READING!

Try this 3D Face Generator. Answer a few questions, and it will render what your face SHOULD look like! I would show you mine, but I’ve already humiliated myself once in this post.

The Dull Men’s Club. (Thanks, Tracey!) I know a few guys who should join immediately.

White Trash Haiku from Basil’s Blog.

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

ETHICS OR LOGIC?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for a bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or, you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to *"Think Outside of the Box."*

HOWEVER....The actual correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers...

MORE LINKS

Demonic Tots and deeply disturbing cuisine.

I found some really sweet photos for bibliophiles! Books grouped by color. Furniture made of books. Awesome tower of books.

How to turn your friends into zombies. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Flash animation set to Tom Lehrer’s “The Elements”. Very old song that still amazes.

Steve Jobs dress up game.

Ultra Condensed Science Fiction books. Easier than using Cliff Notes. Takes only a minute to read each book.

EARLY PHOTOS OF CELEBRITIES




































































Thought for today: It's funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.

P.S. Please say a prayer for me. I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I AM!

humor links video funny games jokes

Superbowl

There’s a big football game on tomorrow. Its a REALLY BIG football game. No, your team isn’t playing, but you’ll watch it anyway because its the ONLY game on, and the LAST game of the season. After that, its arena football (yeah, right). The Superbowl moved to February because there really aren’t enough holidays in February. Superbowl Sunday is still not an official holiday; if it were, it’d be moved to the nearest Monday. We treat it just like most other holidays, with parties, too much food and drink, and water-cooler talk the next day. At my workplace, the talk will be about the ads. Sure, we have sports fans, but their teams aren’t playing either. My boss says Pittsburgh has to win. What if Seattle wins? He says thats just wrong. Seattle is a frou-frou town. Lets all say that together... "frou-frou". He went on to talk about Pittsburg and the city's rough image and the football tradition, yada yada blah blah blah.. OK, lets have some jokes.

There’s an ecard for everything. Here’s my Superbowl greeting!

TICKETS

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."




"That ain't gonna happen this year!"

(more proof that duct tape can fix anything)












DETROIT

I received a forward about the city of Detroit welcoming the hordes for the Superbowl. To see how accurate this is, I ran it by my friend Wendy, who added her own point of view.

1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Deh-troit. NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.

NO, WE"LL THINK YOUR SOME DUMB UNEDUCATED HICK FROM THE SOUTH WHOSE PARENTS WERE FIRST COUSINS.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... Hit the gas, hold on and pray!

TOTALLY NOT TRUE. UNLIKE MOST OTHER CITIES, TURN SIGNALS ARE NOT OPTIONAL EQUIPMENT ON OUR CARS.

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 am to 10:00 am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open season.

LIKE THE DRUNKS COMING FOR THE SUPERBOWL ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT RUSH HOUR?

BUT IN THE EVENT THAT THEY CARE, IT STARTS AT ABOUT 6:45 AND ENDS AROUND 8:30. IT STARTS UP AGAIN AROUND 3;50 AND ENDS ABOUT 7. THE EXPRESSWAYS ARE ALL PRETTY CLEAR UNLESS SOME ASSHOLE FROM OUT OF TOWN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE GOING DECIDES TO BACK UP ON THE LODGE BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS TURN OFF TO THE STADIUM. I"M NOT KIDDING.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before going across the intersection. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

NOT TRUE. THIS ONLY HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T MOVE IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN.

5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.

THIS IS TRUE. HA HA HA! AND I"M NOT TELLING YOU HOW TO PRONOUNCE EITHER OF THEM!

6. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375, The Lodge and The Southfield Freewaysare a way of life and forever. Just deal with it.

WHERE THE F**K IS I-375?

TRAFFIC CONSTRUCTION IS A CONSTANT ON 1-75 ONLY.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect or they are "out-of-towners"

SEE MY RESPONSE TO QUESTION 2. REMEMBER, THE SUPERBOWL IS BEING HELD IN DETROIT .. NOT LOS ANGELES.

8. All old men (or women) with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.

FALSE. WE DON'T LET THEM DRIVE HERE. IF THEY ARE, IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE SOME FRIGGIN' OUT OF TOWNER.

9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 and I-275 is 85 regardless of the posted speed. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh, and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between your car and the guy in front of you, you're just giving someone the chance to cut you off!

TRUE. IF ANYONE IS DRIVING LESS THAN 80, THEY NEED TO MOVE OVER TO THE FAR RIGHT.

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car to take pictures.

IF YOU ARE EVEN IN A NEIGHBORHOOD THAT HAS WROUGHT IRON ON THE WINDOWS AND DOORS, YOU'LL BE HEARING PIT BULLS BARKING AND SEE BURNT OUT CARS IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE. ALL I CAN SAY IS 'WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?'

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading", he/she most likely is.

THIS ONLY APPLIES IF YOU ARE DRIVING IN THE DOWN RIVER AREA (KNOWN AS 'TAYLOR-TUCKY')

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving because they are so friendly. I would suggest you move over quickly, duck, or both.

TRUE.

13. I-275 and I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

VERY TRUE. I LIVE AT THAT INTERSECTION!

14. It's not M-10, it's "The Lodge".

ONLY SOME ASSHOLE OUT OF TOWNER CALLS IT M-10.

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

THAT'S TRUE. ESPECIALLY ON THE LODGE (NOT THE M-10)

16. If someone tells you It's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a map.

WHY WOULD ANYONE BE DRIVING DOWN OUTER DRIVE? LOL!

17. The Michigan left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get in the left lane, then make a left, then make another left, then make a right when you get back to the intersection where you wanted to turn left in the first place. NOW you have gone left.

TRUE. THEY ARE A WONDERFUL THING. LOL!

18. And those 2 really ugly arches over Telegraph???? DON'T EVEN ASK!! WE DON'T HAVE A CLUE!!!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL THIS IS? I DROVE ON TELEGRAPH TODAY AND DIDN'T SEE ANY ARCHES! LOL!


Thought for today: Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~George F. Will

humor links football NFL Super Bowl Detroit Superbowl

Wedding

The beginning of a marriage deserves some pomp and celebration, at least the first time around. How we ever got into a tradition of going bankrupt to pay for this ceremony and celebration is beyond me. But as long as people keep having weddings (and videotaping them), we will find some reason to laugh at them.

BTW, to those who came here from The Naked Ovary looking for a sad and sordid story... there is one, but you won't find it on this site, ever.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.


MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new youngwife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"














SNL clip of marriage advice. Big file, but funny!

Ugly bridesmaid dresses. (Thanks, Tracey!)

A little secret comes out at the wedding.

Video of lots of people fainting at weddings.


If Men Planned Weddings

There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love," and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony Mony".

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think, Dear, The Burgundy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The brides dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.



This is where I put a special shout out to Laura and Mark in Denver, wishing you all the happiness in the world as you approach your wedding date!

Thought for today: It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

humor links jokes wedding bride groom funny video marriage

Groundhogs and Other Critters

Once upon a time, someone up and said "We don't have enough holidays in February. Let's make one up. What's the stupidest name for a holiday you can think of?" and Groundhog Day came into existance. Later on, someone else realized that there are too MANY holidays in February, what with Groundhog Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Valentine's Day, and Washington's Birthday. One had to go, but Groundhog Day was sacred. So they did away with both birthdays and made up a generic President's Day holiday instead, so we can have another three-day weekend. I love holidays at the radio station, because I play carols for any occasion. I have plenty of Mother's Day, Father's Day, even Friday the 13th carols, but I've yet to come up with a Groundhog Day carol.

The Top 10 Best Groundhog Day movies.

Groundhog Day greeting to send to uh, someone you really want to annoy. Contains a whack-a-mole game, too.

Groundhog Day games and activities for kids.


THE SPECIAL DAY

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

TOP 11 REASONS TO CELEBRATE GROUNDHOG DAY

11. It's on nearly every calendar
10. It helps relieve Cabin Fever
9. Spring or not, it's still six weeks till St. Urho's Day
8. Forecast is no less reliable that the National Weather Service
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way
6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds
5. Unlike the Easter Bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside
4. As they used to say on the radio, "The Shadow Knows!"
3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney"
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him
1. In Canada, either way they come out ahead


OTHER CRITTERS
(since I have so many animal links this week)

O RLY OWLS is the most specialized blog I’ve seen, dedicated to one internet abbreviation. Go figure. But if you enjoy funny owl pictures, you’ll love it!

Funny dog video. If thy rear paw offend thee..

A bunny rabbit falls for a cat in this Japanese cartoon.


The Micropolitan Museum of Microscopic Art Forms has pictures of beautiful living things you’d never see without a microscope.





Snake eating a kangaroo.

The stuff nightmares are made of: flying snakes.

Speaking of nightmares, take a look at this friendly little cat.

Almost Naked Animals. A website with cartoon animals in their underwear. There's no limit to the 'net!

The 100 Greatest Dogs in Pop Culture History.

You can’t get a better animal exterminator than the do-it-yourself Varmint Getter. Also fun for guys who just like to blow things up.


Thought for today: We always have sausage for breakfast on Ground Hog Day.

humor links holiday funny weather Groundhog Day animals jokes groundhog

Middle Age

When I turned 30, and I’m not telling how recently that was, someone told me I was now middle-aged. Excuse me? The term “middle-age” implies the middle of your life, and I hope to survive past 60 if I don’t get hit by a bus. When you hit 40, the middle-age label is a bit easier to take, since you are now halfway to 80. What really changes is your perception of what middle-age means. I receive jokes and cartoons that refer to “middle-age”, illustrated with pictures of folks who appear to be “elderly”, meaning at least 80 years old. Really, look at the title illustration. Is that what 50 years old really looks like? I've seen several like that, and my reaction is: THAT couldn’t be someone MY age, with hair growing out of their ears, sagging body, wrinkles, and white hair! Then I look in the mirror and realize how much my eyesight has gone downhill. Maybe the people who construct these “funny forwards” are under thirty. Or they could be 80 and trying to convince themselves that they are still middle-aged. Who knows? But I’m willing to pass these along in case someone may get a laugh out of them.

Find facts about your favorite year in history.

The Boomer Quiz. This takes some time. I got 66%.

Look up what songs were hot on this date in history.

Those who are middle-aged will enjoy this trip back to the disco days. The rest of you can laugh along with us. How did we ever dance in those shoes?

Audio of classic arcade games.

Here’s all kinds of nostalgia trips to the 60s, 70s, and 80s.

How your expectations change by middle age.

LOOKING BACK 30 YEARS (Thanks, Thersa!)

1976: Long hair
2006: Longing for hair

1976: KEG
2006: EKG

1976: Acid rock
2006: Acid reflux

1976: Moving to California because it's cool
2006: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1976: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1976: Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage

1976: Hoping for a BMW
2006: Hoping for a BM

1976: Going to a new, hip joint
2006: Receiving a new hip joint

1976: Rolling Stones
2006: Kidney Stones

1976: Being called into the principal's office
2006: Calling the principal's office

1976: Screw the system
2006: Upgrade the system

1976: Disco
2006: Costco

1976: Passing the drivers' test
2006: Passing the vision test

You Know You Have Reached Middle Age If...

1. You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

2. A gardener cuts your grass even though you have a brand-new lawn mower in the garage.

3. Now that you can afford front-row seat at a rock concert you can't imagine why anyone would want to be there.

4. Your baby pictures are in black and white.

5. Your prescriptions refill number is programmed into your "speed dial."

6. You have Christmas cards in the mail by December 1st.

7. You've stopped worrying about hair loss and started worrying about memory loss.

8. You own more electrical appliances than there are outlets in your home.

9. You've named your eyeglasses by the activity they permit you to do.

10. Some of your mortgage payment actually goes against the principal.

11. The expression "Feel the burn" has more to do with your stomach and less to do with your muscles.

12. You have more frequent-flier mileage than mileage on your car.

13. You vividly remember the day the price of gas went over one dollar a gallon.

14. You've stopped worrying about the size of your penis and started worrying about the size of your prostate.

15. You're looking for a new home with the master bedroom on the first floor.

16. The waitress at Denny's points out the "senior specials" in the big print on the back of the menu.

17. Your tattoos have folds.

18. You have trouble falling asleep at night in a dark room and a comfortable bed, but can easily nod off any afternoon while driving seventy miles an hour on the freeway.

19. Your spouse and kids complain that you're "tuning them out," but a dog barking three blocks away keeps you up all night.

20. You dial the phone and then can't remember who you called.

21. The fear of "turning into your parents" has been replaced by the fear of "turning into your grandparents."

22. You no longer have all of your original teeth, but you take comfort in the fact that you still have both of you original hips.

23. When you see a mother and her teenage daughter, you fantasize about the mother.

24. You remember having to get up and walk across the room to change channels on a television set.

25. Your computer has more memory than you do.

26. You'd stop and take time to smell the flowers, except you can no longer bend over that far without throwing out your back.

27. You're overjoyed to learn that sex uses up as many calories as jogging six miles.

28. You need a weed whacker to trim the hair growing from your nose, ears, and eyebrows.

30. You'd rather buy control-top panty hose than go to the gym.

31. You've received letters from cemeteries inviting you to purchase a burial plot and you've actually considered it.

33. When the flight attendant makes the preboarding announcement for folks that need a little extra time getting down the jetway, you consider it.

34. There's a tube of Ben-Gay in your medicine cabinet.

35. You've told someone, "I haven't seen him/her in twenty years."

36. You have to unbutton your pants after a meal and take them off completely after a big meal.

37. You think "Boys in the 'hood" is a nickname for the Ku Klux Klan.

38. You drive to an out-of-town pharmacy where nobody knows you to pick up your monthly prescription of Viagra.

39. The only illegal herbs you're interested in smuggling into this country are Cuban cigars.

40. There are parts of your body that you can no longer see without using multiple mirrors.

41. As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

42. You are secretly disappointed that we are still waiting for the advent of moving sidewalks, 3-D television, and flying cars.

43. The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car in the "ten items or less" lane.

44. The group picture from your high school reunion could be the "before" picture for the Hair Club for Men.

45. You've mixed up the names of your children with the dog's.

46. One cabinet in the kitchen is devoted entirely to bottles of vitamins.

47. You use marijuana for medicinal reasons.

48. You've come to the realization that whoever said "You're not getting older, you're getting better" was not under oath.

49. You're ineligible to enlist in or be drafted into any branch of the armed services.

50. You'd like to live long enough to break even on your Social Security taxes.


Rock Songs For Folks Over Forty
10. Let's Get A Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
1. Knock Knock Knockin' On The Bathroom Door

MissCellania definition
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Thought for today: Age is just a number - and mine is unlisted.


humor links humor links middle age aging funny