A Round of Links

Boy howdy, you start playing Christmas for a just few days, and the links really add up! I've been busy dressing an elf. My older daughter is playing a department store elf in the Christmas play. You can't just go out and get an elf costume. You can't even get an elf hat. So I'm decorating a stocking cap and socks with fur and holly and jingle bells. What do you want to bet that when I'm finished, she will refuse to wear it? Meanwhile, I had collected twice this many links in the last week, but took out the ones that weren't the very top quality. Only the best for y'all.

Mousebreaker, a game to test your fine motor skills. I didn’t do very well.

Talent show entrant who makes you see things you aren’t really seeing.

Salad Fingers is one creepy cartoon. Keep sensitive children away.

The South Park tribute to Monty Python, featuring the classic Dead Parrot Routine.

Bad behavior will bite you in the end. Watch the cartoon Karma Ghost.

Bad jokes generator. I entered some friends’ names and interests and sent each one a personalized link. For an example, here is the short list for Miss Cellania.

Five voiceover artists in one vehicle equals this movie.

What can you expect out of a game called Knife Throw? I killed the girl several times before I figured out how to play it!

Cats are supposed to be so cool and graceful, so its extremely funny when they aren’t. This video is a collection of those moments. And here’s a postscript of sorts.

The first trailer for Pirates of the Carribean 2. If I let my younger daughter see this, it may take her mind completely off Star Wars for a few minutes.

Claymation video of Hello Kitty battling an evil robot in an arcade.

Where They Went Wrong: Superman and Batman spend the night together.

An architect built a holiday village for a mall in Metairie, Louisiana. He made it very realistic, with blue tarps in the roofs, a helicopter rescue scene, and anti-looting graffitti. Most people liked it, but just a couple of complaints and the mall had it taken down.

How about a little song? The Theme from Gilligan's Island sung to the tune of Stairway to Heaven. Don't be afraid to listen, its far shorter than the 7 minute original.

For the Regular Readers

Update on Alien Abduction: Forget the tinfoil hat, here are better ways to defend yourself from alien abductions. (Thanks, Jeremy!)

Update on Christmas Decorations: The creator of the hanging deer lights has a photo page on the process. (Thanks E R!)

Nerd test. (Thanks, Carl!) 89%??!! No wonder I can’t get a date!




THE PASTOR

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore,
he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check
out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."


THE MULE

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."



Thought for Today: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Teenage Daughter

Less than five years to go, and my oldest daughter will be a teenager. A year later, I will have TWO teenage daughters! Will I survive? Will they? What follows may strike fear into your heart as it has into mine. Unless your kids are grown and out of the house, in which case you may just laugh.




ON HER THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. One you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because "it is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenage daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "high," and "ultra high." Of course, YOUR daughter is "ultra high". This means that whatever you do won't be enough, and whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it-you just might find her!

Bonus Joke:
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Mom. Can I borrow some of your
clothes?"


Here is some very tempting underwear to buy for your teenage daughter, equipped with the latest Global Positioning Sustem. But alas, they aren’t real. But these are.

How to make teenagers go away.

Someone created a video of an old joke that fits perfectly with this theme. (Thanks, April!)



10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Quotes on Teenagers

Between the ages of twelve and seventeen a parent can age thirty years. - Sam Levenson

No need to worry about your teenagers when they're not at home. A national survey revealed that they all go to the same place -'out'- and they all do the same thing -'nothing'. -Bruce Lansky

When the phone rings, it's for your teenager. When the phone bill arrives, it's for you. - Bruce Lansky

Puberty is the stage children reach that gets parents to start worrying about pregnancy all over again. - Joyce Armor

I have a daughter who goes to S.M.U. She could've gone to U.C.L.A. here in California, but it's got one more letter she'd have to remember. - Shecky Greene



Although she is a brunette on the outside, I can picture my older daughter doing this on her high school math quizzes. She's well on her way already! (Thanks, Joe!)


Thought for Today: How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

humor links teenager dating parenting funny

Christmas Decorations

Time to deck the halls, or in this case of us hillbillies, the porch, front lawn, roof, driveway, garden, and mailbox. Its not that difficult, most of us have the lights still up from last year. I don’t mind folks who leave their Christmas lights up all year, but the ones who turn them on every night til Daylight Savings Time begins are kind of annoying. Personally, I have an excuse for overdoing it. I have children. Blame it on the kids, bless their hearts, they enjoy the decorations so.

There is one problem. Normally, I would put my lights up sometime during Thanksgiving weekend. This year, I bought two boxes of new lights (like I don’t have enough old lights, yeah) and put them somewhere safe. So safe that I cannot find them. I have turned the house upside down, but they are MIA. I’m sure they will show up around April.

Some houses around here would take your breath away. Inflatables bigger than the house. Scenes projected on clapboard, or even brick! And there’s that perennial Yuletide abomination, the Bethlehem stable with Santa and his reindeer on the roof. I'd take a picture, but I don't have a digital camera, Santa Claus (hint hint).

Alek Komarnitsky gained fame a few years ago with his website that allowed surfers to control his Christmas lights. Turns out that was a hoax, and he gained more fame after the revelation. Here’s the story. And here’s his Christmas website.

Check out this ultra-lighted house in Monte Sereno, California, including a 360 panorama.

Planet Christmas has a gallery of overlighted homes.

Houseblinger is a site to see the most decorated houses of England.

But none can compare to the lights of Wizards of Winter, synchronized to the music of the Trans Siberian Orchestra. This is the home of Carson Williams of Mason, Ohio. He assures in this interview that us he did NOT edit the video. The display was computer-synchronized and the music was broadcast on an FM frequency. Instructions on how to do this yourself can be found here.

Read about Richmond, Virginia's Tacky Xmas Decoration Contest and Grand Highly Illuminated House Tour. This site also has links to other decoration nightmares.

A collection of ugly decorations.

Here’s a site that will help you become your neighborhood Clark Griswold. But watch out for your Home Owner’s Association! I also found this funny story about one man’s Clark Griswold experience.

However, for sheer wattage, I think this guy won.

Some people take their Christmas decorating way too seriously.



Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

"Give me that!"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where's the cat?"

HILLBILLY CHRISTMAS


Hillbillys are masters of recycling. We always knew those flamingos would be good for something!













Might as well make your display realistic as you can, so to speak. (Thanks, Joe!)


















I think the sign is totally unneccessary.









More Redneck Christmas lights. Use what you got!


Thought for today: Nothing succeeds like excess.

humor links Christmas funny Christmas lights decorations

The Office

Everybody wants to complain about their job. Who wants to be cooped up in an office, typing away on a computer, doing something you cannot describe to someone outside the field, when you COULD be outside in the fresh air rolling out asphalt? There are downsides to every job, but the soul-sucking monotony of an office job gives rise to some really witty humor.



Lets start with a song: Cubicle Hell Blues (lyrics only, sorry)

You might relate to the guy in this cubicle video.


Those feelings can really get out of hand, as seen in The Mad Typist. (Thanks, Thor!)



To impress or confuse others, use the Bullshit Job Title Generator.

Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!
Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
23 power cords, 1 outlet.
Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

No matter how bad you think your job is, you can be glad you aren’t THIS guy!

But no office job could be as bad as the poor soul who collects sperm at a zoo.

The master of office humor has a blog! Scott Adams presents The Dilbert Blog. The Dilbert strips are here.



THE BOSS

Its bad enough having someone tell you what to do for eight hours a day. But when they have no clue, or no heart, things can get really ugly.

Interview with an honest boss. (Thanks, Carol Anne!)

The physical differences between you and your boss.

Bad Boss Horror Stories

The Meeting
Many Stories
The Thief (second story on this page)
The Dumpster


OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all of that.

1.) Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the square into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2.) Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3.) Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4.) When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, standup and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Adam W., Atlanta

-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
- David T., Rochester

-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
- Dan J., New York City

-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."
- Ben G., Denver

-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."
- Maggie R., Tampa

(Thanks, Joe!)


Thought for today: The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

humor links humor links office cubicle workplace boss work job

Holiday Shopping Guide

Let the Christmas shopping season begin! I enjoy Christmas shopping, now that I do it from the comfort of my bedroom. And the variety is so much better. ANYTHING beats a gift from WalMart. After driving the competition out of small towns, Walmart reduces our gifts choices to whatever they can get in bulk to cater to the lowest common denominator. Meanwhile, those Mom and Pop stores can’t compete, so they’ve moved to the ‘net, where the overhead is much lower. I suppose its not really Mom and Pop running online stores, but their sons and daughters.

The bottom line is, if you want something meaningful, unusual, or just NOT Walmart, you can find it online somewhere. And you will be supporting small businesses vs. the Big Box. Here are some suggestions to either get you started, or just give you a laugh.

First, be informed. Here are the ten most dangerous toys this year. More detailed info here.

If you’ve ever felt really disgusted at the prices of gifts in “luxury” catalogs, read about this phone prank on FAO Shwarz. And this one, too.


The LA Coroner’s Office has a little-known gift shop. There is an actual store at the morge, but its not labeled as such. Lucky for us, you can buy online!

Magnetic ribbons for the back of your car, can be custom-designed.

You can have a romance novel written with yourself as the main character, and your husbnad/wife/lover/stalking target as the love interest. The perfect gift for that someone special in your life.

L33t Speak replacement tiles for your Scrabble game. May give you an edge over the competition. Especially if they can't read them!

Earth dog tags, in case you are abducted by aliens. They will help you find your way home. Accessorizes nicely with the tinfoil helmet.

Celebriducks: rubber duckies that display more personality than that one you’ve been using.

Awesome pizza fork and cutter.

Dog thong, for the dog who farts.

The creepiest doll I’ve seen in a while.

Blank keyboard for super geeks. W00t!

A gift for someone you don't like. The Talking Deer Head. He sings, too. Check out the video at the site.

The Mind Molester beeping thing, for the geek practical joker.

Lighted houseslippers (why didn’t I think of that?)

Caution sign, cat vomit.

For your teenage daughter: Iron Hymen thong.

Parents no longer need to childproof the home, because now we have babycages!

Sonic hand grenade alarm, heavy sleepers beware! And DON'T try to take it on an airplane!

Cover up what you are REALLY reading, and freak out nosy strangers with titles like “How to Murder a Complete Stranger and Get away With It” and “Make your Mother a Porn Star” with these fake bookcovers.

Buy your loved one a membership in the Bacon of the Month Club.

Chocolate voodoo doll: talk about “sweet revenge”! No other gift says "Bite Me" like this one.

Aquarium toilet. Leftover from the Toilet Humor post.

Airline seats for your house, only $1500. At least they are first-clas!

The mighty rabbit of Caerbannog. For Monthy Python fans.



Holiday Darth Vader. Gotta have one!

Princess Leia’s Slave Bikini. Only $375!

Pee and Poo products.

Testicles jewelry. Are these little trophies, or what?

Testicle separator. Why? Beats me!

Your wrapping paper should reflect your personality. Here’s some geek wrapping paper.

And dont forget the bubble wrap!



If you run across any bizarre gift ideas, send them to me. Maybe I'll post Holiday Gift Guide Volume Two if I can come up with enough stuff to fill your stockings!

DAVE BARRY ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Gifts for Children

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.

Gifts for Men

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.


Buying gifts for men may be easy, but for men to BUY gifts, you may need the Christmas shopping guide for men.

Thought for today: I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

humor links shopping Christmas gifts holiday gift guide

Links and Diversions

If you aren’t working today, you’re probably preparing to eat, eating, or recovering from eating. Between the parade, the relatives, the carbs, and the football games, stick around and try some of these links. A viable excuse for not doing the dishes or hauling out the Christmas decorations!

Before we get started, here's a semi-serious note. As we count our blessings today, know that I am thankful for the opportunity to try this blogging thing. Its become an enjoyable hobby. I am thankful for those of you who contribute material, those who link to Miss Cellania, and for everyone who stops by to read. Hugs and giggles to you!

OK, imagine mixing a game of ping pong with the kind of visual effects found in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or The Matrix. Now imagine it done live on stage, with no computer help. Can’t imagine that? Then watch the video.

Videoconference gaff...aren’t you glad this ain’t you?

We will pause here for a short advertisement. Watch it!


Bizarre signs, about 300 of them. Be sure to read the descriptions. Example at left.

I should include a game today. Hyperframe is one of my kid’s favorites.

Hear the "unedited" version of radio transmissions during Neil Armstrong's first moonwalk. I heard about a teacher who didn't have the sound on when he got this. It ALMOST made it into a class presentation! Its NOT child-safe.

He never said that! List of commonly-used misquotes.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviews Republicans about global warming.

Dreamlines will construct a dream for you. I entered the subject “Santa Claus” and got this. Abstract, but pretty! Lifted from Presurfer.


Try the Exercise Your Music Muscle game. There are 74 bands represented on a picture; only a small portion of which is shown here. How many can you identify? I found a bunch, but certainly not 74...yet.

Lots of lookalikes. Spit take time, really.

Enjoy a view of Paris (the city, not her). Drag around for the full panorama.

Ed Bremson has a new blog, The Tao of Biotechnology, on a subject we all need to know more about. Give it a look!


NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!"and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."


HUNTING SEASON

I came across several photos that define the term “incompetent hunting”. You might also enjoy this little video of deer boxing.








































PS. I think if I put the words nude, nudity, and naked somewhere in a post, I'll get a lot more hits. I'll let you know how it works!

Thought for today: Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.

humor links humor links funny

Thanksgiving

Time for some Thanksgiving fun! I planned to post this one day early, so you can send a link or two to your friends as greetings, in lieu of a more appropriate phone call or nice handwritten letter. Or you could just send your friends here. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!


Thanks to Wulfweard the White for the picture to the left that I lifted from him... perfect!






Thanksgiving ecard.. "I Will Survive" (Thanks, Christy!)

Nice ecard preview, kids will like this one. (Thanks, Judy!)

Flash animation: Mr. Turkey.

Redneck Thanksgiving.

Turkey in the blog.










As if eating them weren't bad enough, how about skydiving using turkeys for a parachute?

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.





























































































































Thought for today: What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~Erma Bombeck

humor links Thanksgiving funny turkey holiday

Mars and Venus: Procedures

Gender differences have always fascinated me. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I also have a high respect for women. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you probably need a laugh. You've probably noticed than men and women do things differently. Taken to extreme, it can be just plain funny.

THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, covering up any exposed areas if you see husband along the way.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again. Condition with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner from hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower; spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower; dry with towel the size of a small country; wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
- Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
- Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. - Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Admire wiener size in mirror again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.



HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said

Thought for today: According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

male female humor gender man woman funny