Link This!

When I have a need to describe this site in 25 words or less, I often say "humor and links on a different subject each day". But then about once a week, I throw out all the new stuff I want to share that doesn't fit in with any of the subjects I'm working on. Other sites call this a "link dump". The image this conjures up is that of a garbage dump. No no no, I wouldn't even bother with garbage, these are links that are worth sharing! For months now, I've just called it a "links post", but I'd really like to come up with some catchy term that implies something better than a dump. Your suggestions are welcome!

MRI machines contain powerful magnets. How powerful? Take a look at some of the things they’ve sucked in!

Bill Maher’s new rules. You may have received these attributed to George Carlin. Whoever wrote them, they are quite thought-provoking!

The Lunch Goddess. When you can’t make up your mind what to have for lunch.

Looney Tunes cartoons you can watch online.

One of the many Mensa tests. If you can figure out that 24 H in a D means 24 hours in a day, then you may proceed with the more difficult riddles.

Way cool sculptures based on famous artworks, including those of Saladore Dali, M.C. Escher, Heronymous Bosch. Example at left.

Across the Pond: Inspired by the US State Motto List, Wulfweard listed all the British counties and, with the help of his readers, came up with mottoes for each.

17 new species discovered in California caves. Talk about buried treasure!

President’s Day quiz. I got 28 of 30.

Are you suffering from Neurotypical Syndrome? Its more common than you think!

BAR JOKE

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

THE OCTOPUS

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus, sets him up on the bar and says "I bet anyone in here 50 bucks that my octopus can play any musical instrument you hand him. One guy walks up with a guitar and says, "You're on." He lays his 50 bucks on the bar and hands over the guitar.

The octopus proceeds to tune the strings and begins to play a wonderful classical rendition. Everyone's aghast! The guy collects his 50 bucks.

Next guy brings up a trumpet and lays his money on the bar. The octopus takes it, plays with the valves for a moment, and proceeds to play a wonderful jazz riff. The guy collects his money again.

The bartender leaves and comes back a few minutes later with a set of bagpipes and lays his 50 bucks on the bar. The octopus picks it up, turns it around, looks at it some more, turns it over again to get a different perspective.

After a few minutes of this the guy is getting impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for? Why don't you start playing it?"

The octopus looks over and says, "Play it? Heck I was trying to figure out how to get her damned pajamas off!!"






















Yahoo is giving away $10 Starbucks coupons to get people to register with Yahoo Personals. They better get ready for an influx of married coffee addicts!

Top Ten Wackiest Conspiracy Theories.

The Matrix as an ascii movie. Its a clever project, even though you may have to squint a bit to see it.

Parents, your help is requested in this nationwide homework survey. (Thanks, Ken!)

Five pages of pictures of hummingbirds, from birth to flight. On the last page, you'll find out how REALLY tiny they are. (Thanks, Eva!)

New buildings in China slated for completion by 2008 (in time for the Olympics). Click thumbnails at the bottom to see all of them.

NEW ORLEANS T-SHIRTS
(click to enlarge)

























A Forbes slideshow called “WalMart takes over the World.” This was published two days after my Wal*Mart post.

Breast Pals: Angela Tolentino’s art by, and for, breasts.

Just too cool to keep: Tarot Card illustrated in Legos.

Awesomely weird Trampoline Game.

Tutorial on making Cat Fruit Helmets.

Vote for The Sixth Annual Weblog Awards, or “Bloggies”.

RECIPE FOR VIAGRA

You knew someone would crack this formula eventually! Here it is:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat


Thought for today: I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

humor links video funny games

Mars and Venus: Semantics

Gender differences have always fascinated me. How about you? I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men, and I AM a woman. Generalizations are only intended for humor, we all know there are way more difference among men and women than there between men and women. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun. And leave a comment!



Did you know?
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!


AND THEN THERE IS THE COMPUTER

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. Picky, picky, picky.
6. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
7. Beauty is only shell deep.
8. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
9. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
10. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
11. Smalltalk is important.
12. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
13. They make you take the garbage out.
14. Miss a period and they go wild!!!
15. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. A better model is always just around the corner.
4. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
5. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
7. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
8. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
10. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
11. Size does matter!

Karla has an additional one-liner on the above.


MORE MALE AND FEMALE TRANSLATIONS (Thanks, Joe!)

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

A VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE

FTS on, hmm.. not exactly semantics, but word usage: Quantity vs. quality.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Woman Things
Mars and Venus: Man Things
Mars and Venus: Education
Mars and Venus: Advantages
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said


Thought for today: Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Behind every successful woman, there is a man looking at her butt.

male female humor gender man woman jokes

Yet More Dubya

Considering I have missed reading many political blogs since being banned from Blogger, its amazing how many Dubya links I've managed to collect. I had been using the blogroll from Simply Left Behind when I should have been bookmarking them. Oh well, a lot of those blogs would be unavailable to me now anyway. But you should go take a look! Thanks to those who sent submissions. I’m always glad to get new material to share!

Some of my favorite political bloggers made the first round cut for the Koufax Awards' Best New Blog category! Voting is not open yet, but I recommend Simply Left Behind, The Tao of Politics, and Driftglass.

Weird pictures of Bush that aren’t even photoshopped.

Wreck the Nation board game.

Aery Ant tells us what to expect from Dubya in 2006.

The invasion of Iraq as a text-adventure game.

Remember the Million Dollar Homepage? Now someone is trying to raise money by covering up Bush’s face. Check out those who have already spent money on this!

The Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Insane is a website with various political protest links that will either make you laugh, cry, or spew anger. Its subtitled "bad taste for a good cause", so you've been warned. (Thanks, Kathy!)

Mark Fiore animation about Dubya, Georgelandia. And one on the Abramoff business: Jackopoly. Of course, Dubya has NOTHING to do with Abramoff.

A movie ad mix that I wouldn’t post, due to the title, but you can see it here. You’ve been warned.

Highlights of Al Gore’s January 16th speech that you didn’t see on TV. He'd have made a good-looking president if he had gotten enough votes. Oh, thats right, he DID get more votes than Dubya!


THE DEATH BED (lifted from Simply Left Behind)

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near.

"Yes father" said the aide.

"I would really like to see President Bush and Congressman DeLay before I die" whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide.

The aide sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. The president and congressman would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Congressman Delay commented to the president "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after the number the Democrats have done on us." The president couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took President Bush's hand in his right hand and Congressman DeLay's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Congressman DeLay spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said President Bush

"Amen" said Congressman DeLay

The old priest continued..."He died between two criminals. I would like to do the same."


Should the government have access to internet search records? Maybe, if there is some reason to believe criminal activity is going on. But the Justice Dept. is asking for everyone’s search records! But hey, what’s a few privacy rights, anyway, compared to the great danger this country is in? YOU can help the government by making your search activity public with Patriot Search. Its the PATRIOTIC thing to do!

Then again, if you're one of those privacy-rights nuts, you can make your searches anonymous. Or eventually our lives will end up like this. (Thanks, Eva!)



QUOTE ROUNDUP

According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

Vice President Dick Cheney is said to have led the opposition to the congressional ban on inhumane treatment of prisoners. Experts say this policy may be rethought now that so many people in the vice president's office may be going to prison. (Rob Bates)

Medicare recipients now may enroll in a prescription drug plan. The options are incredibly confusing. The telephone help lines are so jammed that India has reached full employment for the first time in its three-thousand-year history. (Argus Hamilton)

In a speech in Japan, President Bush praised democracy, saying, "Free nations are peaceful nations, free nations do not threaten their neighbors and free nations offer their citizens a hopeful visions of the future." I guess that means America isn't a free nation. (Jake Novak)

Rumor is that President Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, may run for president. Rumor is: According to Florida voting machines, he's already won. (Jay Leno)

Facing dropping poll numbers and a potential Republican rebellion over the Iraq War, President Bush is fighting back by intensifying attacks on Democratic critics... because that's always easier than actually doing his job. (Jake Novak)

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother. (David Letterman)

Governor Jeb Bush of Florida has announced he might run for president, because how many times have you thought to yourself that all we need is one more Bush in the White House? Actually, experts say he's a shoe-in because he owns all of the crooked voting machines. (David Letterman)

The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison in Europe. (Jay Leno)

Osama bin Laden's brother has been arrested in Paris for money laundering. I tell you, it's things like that that could give the bin Laden family a bad name. (David Letterman)

Bill O'Reilly insisted Monday that his invitation to al- Qaeda to attack San Francisco was satire after the word got around about what he said. An investigation is underway. They're looking for the person in San Francisco who was watching Fox News. (Argus Hamilton)


The Preacher's Experiment

While his son was at school the preacher went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: A Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came into the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"


Previously on Miss Cellania:
Dubya
More Dubya
Dubya Today
Still More Dubya
Fun with Dubya
What’s with Dubya?
A Dubya Christmas
Dubya Links


Thought for today: Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


humor Bush Dubya political humor president funny

Little Boys

Just ask anyone who has both boys and girls, there is a world of difference between them from the day of birth. My family had three little girls in a row. Then my nephew was born , and all the parental knowledge my generation had gleaned was tossed on its ear. I recently read an essay where a mother (an engineer) calculated that her son was 15.3 times as likely to do something extremely dangerous as her daughter... at age 16 months! So lets take a look at the world of little boys.

THINGS TO LEARN AND REMEMBER

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft . house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few a times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject sandwiches.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. Raw eggs and semi digested cheese stick to walls and ceilings very well.

25. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.



MORE STORIES

The stuff little boys get into! Here’s the Boys Guide to Spelunking.

The Radioactive Boy Scout.

This boy will have some explaining to do!








THE PHONE CALL (lifted from Wulfweard the White)

The call came through at about 3.30pm.

"Which emergency service do you require?"
"Police please," whispered the tiny voice on the other end of the phone. "Please tell them to come quickly."
"Can you tell me where you live?"
Again the whisper.
"246 Charles Street. The house is on fire."
"Do you need the fire men as well?"
"No they're already here."
"Are you OK?"
"Yes," came the whisper again, "well I am at the moment. Please ask the police to hurry. I'm really frightened."
"Are your parents there? Are they safe?"
"Yes."
"Are they with you?"
"No. They're searching for me with the firemen," the voice whispered again."They don't know where I am."
"Why aren't you with them? Where are you?"
"I'm hiding under the bed with the box of matches."



Andi Buchanan wrote a book about raising boys called “Its A Boy!” Here are links to a ton of bloggers who reviewed the book.

Thought for today: I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. - Rodney Dangerfield

How about your boys? Whats the wildest story you have?

humor links jokes boys kids children funny

Wal*Mart

People who have known me for a while know I don’t have a great opinion of Wal*Mart. I grew up in a small town. We had a flourishing downtown area with multiple Mom and Pop stores situated around the courthouse. There were several clothing stores, a paint store where you could also register your china pattern, a music store that sold the latest records AND instruments, pool halls, dime stores, drug stores, and hardware stores, all ran by people who knew exactly where every small part was and could tell you how to use it. Now there are streets lined with nothing but empty storefronts and lawyer’s offices. Even the lawyers have to go out to the interstate exit to eat lunch. You can’t buy corduroy anywhere.

I worked for Wal*Mart in Missouri... decades ago, back when it was a small chain nobody had heard of outside the Midwest. Sam Walton would drop by occasionally. I married a Wal*Mart manager. Things have certainly changed since then! And I’m sure you’ve noticed. A lot of folks have.

The Toad Report on Wal*Mart.

Wal*Mart: The High Cost of Low Price is a documentary available on DVD. Here are some of the funnier parts.

Wake Up Wal*Mart! is a website asking for your input and participation.

Wal*Mart Watch is a group keeping an eye on the company's practices.

Article on Wal*Mart’s philanthropy.

The man who said no to Wal*Mart. My next lawn mower will be a Snapper.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

(now the funny stuff)

Or if you don’t want to read any of the information listed above, you can just let John Stewart give you the short version, and a laugh.


Garth Brooks sold his latest collection of music exclusuively through Wal*Mart. I got Friends with Low Wages.

Cartoon explaining Wal*Mart’s music download program.

Big Box Mart, another cartoon from JibJab.

The Onion weighed in on Wal*Mart’s PR campaign.

Seven pages of political cartoons about Wal*Mart.

You might be a redneck if....
your baby's first words are... "Attention Walmart shoppers."


Walmart Wine

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart’s own brand
of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J
Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an
affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may
not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into
their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine,
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams
University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is
important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested
names for Walmart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante


Ways to Have a Fun Time At Wal*Mart

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"

Try on bras over top of your clothes.

Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti depressants are.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, were out of toilet paper in here!"

Proposal for the Freedom Tower at the World Trade Center site.

Helmart offers more anti-Wal*Mart links.

Thought for today: "A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler

humor links video WalMart world domination

Geography

Geography was one of the subjects my Dad taught. He was a geologist, but it's a small college. Its a good thing he could read a map, since he would never stop to ask for directions. He made sure his kids could read a map at a very young age, so he wouldn't have to, outside of class. As soon as my brother and I were liscenced to drive, he gave up vacation driving completely. He said, "What do you think we had kids FOR, anyway?" He guided me through a big part of my life, but when he let me guide him through St. Louis traffic during rush hour, I knew I had passed the test.


They typed into Google Search “people in _____ (each country) are known for” and used the results to construct The Prejudice Map.

Joke contest winners by nation.

What people define as funny varies from country to country. Some of the preferred jokes can be found here.

Learn to swear in many languages at Swearsaurus.


The End of the World. Long download if you are on dialup, but its worth it. Not work or child safe due to language.

Do you know where the countries of Europe are? Try this geography game. I got 37 out of 45. I did better on the countries that existed when I was in school!

Geosense is a way cool world geography game you can play alone or against others online. I did pretty well with Asia, but flunked Europe.

Some pretty good US geography games to test your skills or teach your kids.

A map of the world, with countries adjusted as to population. India dominates. Where’s Canada?

Matt Harding quit his job so he could journey around the world and dance on every continent. I am fighting the green-eyed monster as I type this.


Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names. Here are all the other State mottos.

You may or may not have heard the joke “You Know You’re from (your state)”, but here are the jokes for ALL the states, plus immigrants from other lands.


Map of states I’ve been to.



create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide



After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"


FRACTURED PHRASES

The following are winners in a contest in which contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDE S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about fat food
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
VENI VIDI VISA - I came, I saw, I bought
CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend


A couple of international oddities I’ve come across:
Part of Belgium is totally inside The Netherlands.
St. Marten SXM, the lowest-landing airport in the world.


The Most Spoken Languages on Planet Earth

10. French
Number of speakers: 129 million
Often called the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken in tons of countries, including Belgium, Canada, Rwanda, Cameroon, and Haiti. Oh, and France too. We're actually very lucky that French is so popular, because without it, we might have been stuck with Dutch Toast, Dutch Fries, and Dutch kissing (ew!).

To say "hello" in French, say "Bonjour" (bone-JOOR).

9. Malay-Indonesian
Number of speakers: 159 million
Malay-Indonesian is spoken - surprise - in Malaysia and Indonesia. Actually, we kinda fudged the numbers on this one because there are many dialects of Malay, the most popular of which is Indonesian. But they're all pretty much based on the same root language, which makes it the ninth most-spoken in the world.

Indonesia is a fascinating place; a nation made up of over 13,000 islands it is the sixth most populated country in the world. Malaysia borders on two of the larger parts of Indonesia (including the island of Borneo), and is mostly known for its capital city of Kuala Lumpur.

To say "hello" in Indonesian, say "Selamat pagi" (se-LA-maht PA-gee).

8. Portuguese
Number of speakers: 191 million
Think of Portuguese as the little language that could. In the 12th Century, Portugal won its independence from Spain and expanded all over the world with the help of its famous explorers like Vasco da Gama and Prince Henry the Navigator. (Good thing Henry became a navigator . . . could you imagine if a guy named "Prince Henry the Navigator" became a florist?) Because Portugal got in so early on the exploring game, the language established itself all over the world, especially in Brazil (where it's the national language), Macau, Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique.

To say "hello" in Portuguese, say "Bom dia" (bohn DEE-ah).

7. Bengali
Number of speakers: 211 million
In Bangladesh, a country of 120+ million people, just about everybody speaks Bengali. And because Bangladesh is virtually surrounded by India (where the population is growing so fast, just breathing the air can get you pregnant), the number of Bengali speakers in the world is much higher than most people would expect.

To say "hello" in Bengali, say "Ei Je" (EYE-jay).

6. Arabic
Number of speakers: 246 million
Arabic, one of the world's oldest languages, is spoken in the Middle East, with speakers found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt. Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Koran, millions of Moslems in other countries speak Arabic as well. So many people have a working knowledge of Arabic, in fact, that in 1974 it was made the sixth official language of the United Nations.

To say "hello" in Arabic, say "Al salaam a'alaykum" (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom).

5. Russian
Number of speakers: 277 million
Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin, and Yakov Smirnoff are among the millions of Russian speakers out there. Sure, we used to think of them as our Commie enemies. Now we think of them as our Commie friends. One of the six languages in the UN, Russian is spoken not only in the Mother Country, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and the U.S. (to name just a few places).

To say "hello" in Russian, say "Zdravstvuite" (ZDRAST-vet-yah).

4. Spanish
Number of speakers: 392 million
Aside from all of those kids who take it in high school, Spanish is spoken in just about every South American and Central American country, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S. There is a particular interest in Spanish in the U.S., as many English words are borrowed from the language, including: tornado, bonanza, patio, quesadilla, enchilada, and taco grande supreme.

To say "hello" in Spanish, say "Hola" (OH-la).

3. Hindustani
Number of speakers: 497 million
Hindustani is the primary language of India's crowded population, and it encompasses a huge number of dialects (of which the most commonly spoken is Hindi). While many predict that the population of India will soon surpass that of China, the prominence of English in India prevents Hindustani from surpassing the most popular language in the world. If you're interested in learning a little Hindi, there's a very easy way: rent an Indian movie. The film industry in India is the most prolific in the world, making thousands of action/romance/musicals every year.

To say "hello" in Hindustani, say "Namaste" (Nah-MAH-stay).

2. English
Number of speakers: 508 million
While English doesn't have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language. Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the U.S., Australia, England, Zimbabwe, the Caribbean, Hong Kong, South Africa, and Canada. We'd tell you more about English, but you probably feel pretty comfortable with the language already. Let's just move on to the most popular language in the world.

To say "hello" in English, say "What's up, freak?" (watz-UP-freek).

1. Mandarin
Number of speakers: 1 billion+
Surprise, surprise, the most widely spoken language on the planet is based in the most populated country on the planet, China. Beating second-place English by a 2 to 1 ratio, but don't let that lull you into thinking that Mandarin is easy to learn. Speaking Mandarin can be really tough, because each word can be pronounced in four ways (or "tones"), and a beginner will invariably have trouble distinguishing one tone from another. But if over a billion people could do it, so could you. Try saying hello!

To say "hello" in Mandarin, say "Ni hao" (Nee HaOW). ("Hao" is pronounced as one syllable, but the tone requires that you let your voice drop midway, and then raise it again at the end.)



Mr. Fish has a message for the world.

Thought for today: "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

humor links geography funny games maps jokes

School Children

You think when you graduate, that you are through with school and can get on with real life. Think again! I am now going through second and third grade all over again, as I try my best to drag my kids up to average grades. I can explain concepts all night, but I can't make them listen. I can supervise and scan homework, but I can't rewire their brains. I can set an example and create a work-friendly environment, but I can't inject a work ethic. Believe me, this is a LOT harder the second time around! So we may as well laugh about it.

This guy fancies himself an art critic.. as he takes on your children’s masterpieces!

Draw a kaleidoscope. This one's fun! Show the kids.

Virtual Sand Art. Much less messy than the real thing.

My eight-year-old daughters favorite website, Evergirl.

My seven-year-old daughter’s favorite website, Star Wars (of course).

Could you pass eighth-grade science?

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

Science Song Lyrics might help you pass eighth-grade science. Sing these and you’ll remember your facts!

English to 12-year-old AOLer translator.
I put in: Have you finished tonight homework yet? Not me, its just too difficult. I will probably get in trouble.
I got out: HAEV U FINISHED 2NIGHT HOM3WORK YET?!!??!! OMG NOT M3 ITS JUST 2 DIFICULT11!!1!! LOL I WIL PROBABLY G3T IN TROUBLE!1!!! OMG WTF LOL


PRE-SCHOOL TEST

Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"












Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" and "right."

V

V

V

Think about it ..

V

V

V

Still don't know?

V

V

V

Okay, I'll tell you.

V

V

V

The pre-schoolers all answered "left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" they answered:
"Because you can't see the door."

Feel pretty silly now, don't you?
I know ... me, too.






Some kids are smarter than others... but not this one!







THE COUNSELOR

The new elementary school counselor was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. She approached and asked if the girl was all right. The girl said she was fine.
A little while later, however, the counselor noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, she offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the counselor then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
The little girl heaved a sigh of great exasperation and said, "Because . . . I'm the goalie!"



DEEP THOUGHTS FROM KIDS

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of thier life -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money -- Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen, Of course, we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends -- Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks-- Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -- Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him -- age 10

I gase at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotole and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15

When I go to heaven I want to see my grandfather again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell -- Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower -- Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died -- Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I telll them to kill it anyway because I alread gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor -- Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up -- Age 7

Often, when I'm reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there -- Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with -- Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think its about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes, then I came upon a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean. it's not like he needed them, right? -- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, just imagine how serene it would be until the looting started -- Age 15



Thought for today: There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

humor links jokes children school kids

Mars and Venus: Woman Things

Presented for your perusal, another chapter in the continuing Mars and Venus series. This one was rushed into production to equalize the universe after the last post, Mars and Venus: Man Things. We do have the ability to laugh at ourselves!



What women say and what they MEAN

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".



Supposedly, the shape of a lady's lipstick (after repeated use) can tell her personality. Mine is all melted from being spilled into the floor of the mamamobile. Wonder what that tells you?

Women process humor differently from men. Women get more pleasure out of the punchline from a cartoon because their expectations are lower. We knew those lowered expectations would pay off someday.

The difference between what men and women think about during sex, from Weekly World News.


THE PRAYER

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give
me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"




DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
(Thanks, Joe!)

40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.


A VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE
In a lame attempt to give men their turn in this series, I am including a man's point of view. Here's Carlos on the 5 toughest questions women ask.

Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Man Things
Mars and Venus: Education
Mars and Venus: Advantages
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said


Thought for today: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

humor gender jokes funny female women