Trick or Treat!

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK-OR-TREAT

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Song to accompany the above: I wish you’d stop trick-or-treating.



But after all, you’ve decided to go trick-or-treating. Those of us with children have an excuse, and we get plenty of candy anyway, costume or no. That’s it, isn’t it... the candy. Of course, you have to sift through all your kid’s treats for safety purposes and to relieve tham of all the chocolate they don’t need. You’ll be shocked at how many nerds are given out. I bet some are leftover from what thekids brought home last year. Nerds are the most annoying candy in the world. Who knows if they taste good- they are immediately spilled in the car, in the couch, or in the bed. Vaccuum cleaner salesmen and little kids are the only ones who love nerds. Testes vary, or course. Here's one family's Halloween candy survey. And kids will develop their own preferences quickly. Adults also have their Halloween candy horror stories.

And some people just don't get into Halloween at all. Some think trick or treaters are annoying. And some will go out of their way to discourage trick or treaters.

You'll want to avoid Lame Halloween Costumes and Politically Incorrect Halloween Costumes.


A right creepy blog to get you in the Halloween mood.

Lots of Halloween info, pumpkin carving, recipes, etc.

Trick or Treat Horoscopes

* Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

* Taurus will only eat the finest Swiss chocolates.

* Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

* Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

* Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

* Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

* Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

* Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

* Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

* Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

* Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

* Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.



Thought for today: Trick or Treat! Smell My Feet! Gimme something good to eat!

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Amazing Facts

A friend sent me a list of amazing facts (Thanks, Varun!). Whether they are really true is not the point, and I don’t have time to check them out. I’ll just pass on the list with my personal reactions in red.


AMAZING FACTS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

(Completely Useless Facts!)

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
How about AAIIIEEEEEE!

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.
In my life its known as “Ancient History”!

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
Thats almost right.

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
And with two syllables at that!

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!
Researched thoroughly by Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
That fact doesn’t help a bit when you drop a concrete block on your lap.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath
A fact very useful to the parents of any 4 year old. They all try.

There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Its like a suggestion. They just want you to leave.

The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London
Maybe because they meet in the anatomy lab?

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
Its those scissors! They are killers!

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!
And aren’t we all glad of that!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!
Maybe thats why there are so many different names for the french kiss.


Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!
Its the shoes! The shoes are tragic!















Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
You haven’t seen my house. There’s not that much skin in the whole town.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
She’s just batting her eyelashes at you. Take a hint.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.
Archaeologosts have more guts than I do.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Ahem. Months that begin on a Saturday will always have a Monday the tenth. And your point is..?

Coca-Cola would be green if colouring werent added to it.
I turn green every time I try to drink that stuff.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.
Makes sense to me. All bees are venomous, but not all snakes. You are more likely to SEE a snake before you step on it. And people mostly avoid snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
Not in MY house. The average pencil will be sharpened, write a couple dozen words, then be broken in half or lost under the furniture. Or both.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.
Thats because we are not calves.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
And computers have a delete button to protect us from blowing forwarded emails.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!
And he STILL doesn’t pay any attention to what he’s stepping in!

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.
Gesundheit! You’re under arrest!

You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.
I know some people lose their funny bone.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
So do seals. Navy SEALS.

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Good thing, too. There would be eyeballs all over the place during flu season.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
Still futiley trying to escape the Colonel.


















Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not.
And who would be the one to disagree with an absolute monarch? They say power corrupts. It also stinks and says stupid things.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.
I’m having a hard time picuring the research that went into this. Owls are not known for their patience or language skills.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
So maybe he can see the color blue, but he doesn’t know his colors yet.






A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
So many punchlines. So little humor.








The average person laughs 10 times a day!
Not enough. My goal is to make it eleven.


While we are here, I'll post some randomly odd links.

Make your own police sketch.

Economists watch their charts.

And some South Park clips.

Thought for today: If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Cat

It was time. My cat is four years old and had never had a bath. She has a habit of spending six months in a particular spot, only leaving the room to visit the food dish and litterbox. She’s been in the laundry room so long, we mainy forgot abouther. Recently she moved to my daughter’s bed, and the dirt she left was shocking. So I broke down and cleared out the sink. Now she’s in a lot better shape, but I need stitches. Wish I had read the directions first.


Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats
lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.

(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred
a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair
of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you
have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.

(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter
to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.




No wonder people have so much fun torturing cats on the net. You can blast them from a connon with the Kitten Cannon game, or Stack the Cats, or even indulge in Cat Bowling.

You can vote on the cutest littens in Kitten War. You can laugh at the photos of things people pile on their cats at Stuff on My Cat. (Thanks, Bill!) If THAT amuses you, you're gonna love THIS. (Thanks, April!)

You can commiserate with the owners of the bad cats listed on My Cat Hates You. Thanks, Ann!)

Enjoy a video of a kitten pickin on a cat twice his size. The Lap Dance flash animation is a funny story, if a little long. B. Kliban's cats have always amused me. But for the “aww” factor, nothing beats the heartwarming story of Speedy, the disabled kitten.


CAT HAIKU

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that

Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"

Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?



Finally, no cat post would be complete without the Viking Kittens. (Thanks, Kate!)

Thought for today: There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Search cat kitten humor cat humor

Halloween Party

Any excuse for a party; Halloween is no exception. Even adults get to dress like something they’re not and act like fools, uh, I mean ghouls. No party at my house, since I’d have to do things like actually clean it up and cook and stuff. But if you’re going to have one, I can help plan it!



Can’t have a good party without proper food, and lots of it. I found a website with recipes for such delicacies as boogers on a stick, fried bugs, and swamp water punch featuring the floating arm of death. Here’s another, specifically for Halloween, with recipes like the Eerie Eyeballs (pictured here), and Decayed Corpse Chips with Entrail Salsa. Or you might try this collection of recipes called Squishy Things.

I took the test to see what Halloween food I most resemble:


You are a caramel apple! You are sweet on the
outside, but a little hard in the middle.


What Halloween Food are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



You must have the proper decorations. Here are some you can make, inspired by Walt Disney World’s Haunted Mansion (Thanks, Kirby!) Haunted Memories sells portraits, such as this one, that change... is that creepy or what? You must see their gallery.

And check out this great decoration: Head in a Jar.

There are compilations of cheesy Halloween music available for your party, often very cheaply in the Halloween decorations section of your local store. But if you want true eerie ambience, here is a soundtrack you can download for your haunted house or Halloween party, or even to scare kids when come asking for candy. 7 minute and 33 minute versions available.


For kids, you may need some activities to work off that sugar overdose. Here are some lame Halloween jokes to tell then. Or you could sing some Halloween carols. I found a couple of online games, like Halloween Hangman and this Mystery Game, which I don’t understand, but I like the way it looks. For adults, amaze your guests with some Halloween trivia.


SCARY SCARY STORY

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
(Thanks, Eva!)



Thought for today: A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
-Groucho Marx

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Even more links

Another load of things worth looking at which don't fit in with my "different subject every day" theme. This is the junk drawer of the attic; too good to discard, but either I or someone I know will want to use it someday. Maybe YOU know someone who would enjoy some of these links!


Get hip with the New Office Slang. (Thanks, Terry!)

More pretty than vulgar: Kaleidoscopic nude art.

One of my favorite animations, Num 1000. By the time its over, you'll be impressed. I lost the link when I switched computers, but found it again! Worth the load time.

If you’ve ever dressed as a viking (and took pictures), Double Viking is running a costume contest that could win you two tickets to New York City.

Song “I Bought On eBay” (Thanks, Carol Anne!)

The Bullshit Job Title generator.

Gibson, the world’s tallest dog. Gotta see the pictures.

Interesting obituary from the Chicago Tribune. Be sure to read all of it.

For just a few thousand dollars, you can travel to deep space! However, you’ll have to die first. (Thanks, Tracey!)

Arcade games from the 80s you can play online- Pac Man, Frogger, Space Invaders, Donkey Kong and more!

Rap ad from America's Dairy Farmers: check the low-rider tractor!

Things that only happen in movies.

From Rock and Roll Confidential: The Hall of Rock and Roll Douchebags.

Save yourself a trip and watch the pandas with the San Diego Zoo Panda Cam!



The 3 Variable Funny Test is supposed to show your style of humor. I took it and found I am

the Ham

(47% dark, 50% spontaneous, 10% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT

Your style's goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

How accurate this is is anyone's guess. I thought I would score higher on vulgarity, but I suppose its all relative. I'm not nearly as vulgar as some of my sources (and you know who you are). I won't argue about being a ham. Except for the cholesterol.


Kids on Dating and Marriage

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. GOD decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10



Thought for today: Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.


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Mars and Venus, Introduction

Gender differences have always fascinated me. As it does most of the human race, I presume. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so I'm beginning a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I also think women are wonderful, and I'm glad to be one. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are between men and women as groups. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you look like you need a laugh. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun.

Some researchers say that men can have 'women's brains' and that women can think more like men. Find out more about 'brain sex' differences by taking the Sex ID test, a series of visual challenges and questions used by psychologists in the BBC One television series Secrets of the Sexes.

How are men and women different? Besides the obvious, here is a short intro course.

*Handwriting:*

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented,colored stationery and they dot the "i" with
circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and
"g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman.Even when she's dumping
you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

*Groceries:*

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the
store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that
looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

*Relationships:*

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate
You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
get over this need.

*Sex:*

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place part of the foreplay.

*Maturity:*

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

*Magazines:*

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.

*Bathrooms:*

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom--a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap,and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

*Shoes:*

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk
about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

*Cats:*

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

*Children: *

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

*Dressing Up:*

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

*Laundry:*

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before
he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear
a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women
at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes
of "Love American Style."

*Eating Out:*

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even
though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

*Mirrors:*

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

*Menopause:*

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

*The Phone:*

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

*Richard Gere:*

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.

*Madonna:*

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

*Toys*

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive, silly, and impractical. Examples of
men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and
blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on
command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least
6 "D" batteries to operate.

*Cameras:*

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.

*Locker Rooms:*

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,f ootball,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.

*Movies*

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

*Jewelry*

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

*Conversation*

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow,
great movie." or "What are you,nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi
that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside
looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night,
wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

*Leg Warmers*

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

*Friends*

Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

*Restrooms*

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met
will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also
go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse them-
selves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a rest-
room will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history
of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join
me?"


Thought for today: Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!

More Dubya

I didn't think it would be this soon, but the links and jokes just keep rolling in. Time to make some fun at the expense of POTUS. Here's a webpage entitles The Bush Family Arrest and Detention Survival Guide. An explanation of Why We Invaded Iraq. Bill Maher on a Bush Recall (among other subjects) and a Daily Show segment on the Bush/Katrina Timeline. Then you may enjoy the music video of the song "Asshole", an update of an earlier video to the same song, with fresh images. (Thanks, Kris!) And for you shoppers, here's the "Dishonest Dubya" Action Figure. Worth keeping around just for the dumb phrases. (Thanks, Anne!)



The Nobel Prize committee today announced that President George W. Bush has been under consideration for an unprecedented six Nobel prizes this year:

Economics, for cutting taxes on the rich and helping more people
into poverty;
Physics, for his astute observation that no one could have
foreseen the breach of the levees in New Orleans;
Medicine, for his plan to send the Army into the streets of
America to fight the Avian Flu;
Chemistry, for the obvious chemistry that exists between him and
his nominee for the Supreme Court;
Peace, for sending Karen Hughes to tell the women of Turkey that
waging war promotes peace; and
Fiction (to be shared with Colin Powell,) for his 2003 State of
the Union Address.
(Thanks, Ed from The Tao of Politics!)

This just screams for a caption contest, but I'm sure its been done.

(Update: Carl has one up now, at Simply Left Behind.)



A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh, " said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

"Incredible, " said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter responded, "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Maybe it was churning margaritas in His blender?

(Thanks, Carl from Simply Left Behind!)



The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush, to honor his achievements.

However, in daily use it has been shown that the Bush stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of investigation and testing, a special presidential commission has made the following three findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

(Thanks, Eva!)


Preiously on Miss Cellania:
Dubya,
Hu’s on First,
And a letter to President Bush on this post.


Misscellania definition
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after.

Thought for today: Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Link City

Did say something about being glad its autumn? I must be losing my mind. My thermostat is set at 72, but the temperature in here never inches above 64. Then I remember last year when it was REALLY cold outside and the house stayed at about 60 all winter, although the heater blew constantly and the bills rose exponentially. All winter I told myself, "I'm going to hire a crew to insulate this floor." But when the weather turned nice, all thoughts of insulation kinda died off. Stupid me.


Oh man, this is funny! Turn any web page into a parody by translating it into a different dialect. Choose your dialect, then paste in a URL and see the translation. I just wish they had Cajun in their selections. I entered this blog and saw how it would look in redneck dialect. Fry my hide! You know, that's sort of the way I talk anyway, but I don't normally TYPE in dialect. The Hacker dialect could use some improvement. You can also enter text and have it translated. (Thanks Karen of The Naked Ovary!)

While we've got some text out, here is the Gender Genie. The idea is to paste in text, and they will figure out whether the author is male or female. Hooda thunket, I pasted in my tomatoes post, and they decided I was male. Guess I didn't use enough touchy-feely words!

Forbes asks the question “Is Sex Neccessary?” Who would ask such a question? Usually the question is “Where can I get some?”

This florist has found its niche. Men who don’t have time to remember to sent your woman flowers, or just can’t be bothered, can hire Save My Ass to do it for them.

Be listening for this on a radio station near you soon.. if they have guts! Van Preston’s “I Got Myself a Toy” The mp3 is here at Garage Band, click the little green triangle in the top right corner to hear the song. I also found the video, but it takes forever to load. If you want to see it, let it load while you go to a restaurant or something.

I love this geography game! You can play alone or against others online. I aced Asia and Africa, but got lost in Europe. Have you ever been lost in Europe?

The things women go through to be beautiful! Here’s a great video of many women getting a bikini wax.

Cute song about an internet kiss-off “She Blocked Me”.

The Incredible Hulk has his own blog.

The Effect of Country Music on Suicide rates.

Under the category of Games My Friends Send Me, here is one where you try to control a helicopter. I failed horribly, over and over, but my kids thought it was a riot to see me crash! (thanks, Beth!)

Nominations are being taken now for Best October blogs and posts under various categories at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers. You can nominate your favorites by leaving a comment. You have to have a blogger account to nominate or vote, but they are easy to get. Voting starts November first.



FOOTBALL JOKE

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself."He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the SuperBowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!" (Thanks, Joe!)

UPDATE SECTION

Jenex pointed out a costume that should’ve been included in yesterday's post “the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, called The Tron Guy. But is it good, bad or ugly?

Remember the Beer Looter Dude? Here’s another gallery with tons more pictures of him. (Thanks, Eva!)

Here is a game that could've fit in well with either the entry on Golf or the entry on Beer. Its called Beer Golf. I'm not all that impressed, but you may know someone who would enjoy it.



Took a little quiz and found out that


I am 35% evil.




I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com


Thought for today: If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Talkin 'bout Halloween costumes here, folks. If you've received a invitation to a costume party, or if you have kids who crave candy from strangers, you may end up in this gallery next year. If you have a photo of memorable costumes from years past, send them to me and I'll post an update. CAUTION: Some of the following links may be disturbing. They disturbed me!

GOOD

Good costume: Wolverine, but was it worth all that work?

The Ambiguously Gay Duo looks pretty... ambiguous.

The long saga of how this guy built a Dr. Octopus costume and entered a costume contest. Lots of pictures.

Guys might like to take a look at these costumes you can buy.


BAD

From Retrocrush, the most often-cited collection of Bad Halloween costumes.

Terrible Halloween costumes.

Stories about one man’s bad Halloween costumes, and he's had quite a few.

This guy was really LOOKING for a bad costume. Yes, he found it.

Inflatable sumo costume, for the dork who doesn't have to drive, dance, or feed himself.

Back by popular demand, The Parade of Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes.

And even MORE bad Star Wars costumes.

Good or bad? You decide. Its certainly lewd and rude!

UGLY

The worst Halloween costumes ever. A tie between this little boy and this little girl. WHO would DO this to children?


Some Halloween Costume Jokes

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for
Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

*******

It's Halloween and this woman has nothing to wear. She puts a sheet over her and sticks horns on it and goes to work.
A co-worker asks her what she is dressed as.

She replies, "Bull Sheet".

********

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered the usual proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

"But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

********

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

********

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume ball. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company and explains the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just been very politically incorrect by emphasizing his wooden leg, so he writes a very rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. He now writes the company an extremely rude letter about being politically incorrect.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a candied apple!"



















And as a bonus, a few truly weird prize winners that showed up in my inbox. (Thanks, Joe!)



Thought for today: I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Search halloween humor costumes

Vacation Photos

Not MY vacation! I took three rolls of film and not a ONE photo of me. These are some that are worth passing along. Pretend its a slide show. Pass the popcorn , please. (Thanks, Ken, John, and Pearlygirl!)
























































































Thought for today: A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

Delayed Justice

Texas Congressman and House Majority Leader Tom Delay is in trouble, so that gives us a fine opportunity to make jokes. To get you up to speed, incase you’re not a political junkie, here’s the short version, and here’s an update. So hard to believe our duly-elected leaders would actually do something ILLEGAL involving MONEY! Not nearly as entertaining as Clinton’s sexcapades, or dire as Bush’s various wars, but just good enough for a few laughs.

Tom Delay is called The Hammer.





Tom DeLay spends his time on television denying the conspiracy indictments filed against him in Austin. His prospects are being analyzed by everyone. Astrologers looking at his chart concur that his house is in Jupiter and his moon is in a sling.


Tom Delay quotes

1) "I AM the federal government." –Tom DeLay, to the owner of Ruth's Chris Steak House, after being told to put out his cigar because of federal government regulations banning smoking in the building, May 14, 2003

2) "So many minority youths had volunteered…that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself." --Tom DeLay, explaining at the 1988 GOP convention why he and vice presidential nominee Dan Quayle did not fight in the Vietnam War

3) "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" –Tom Delay, to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 9, 2005

4) "We're no longer a superpower. We're a super-duper power." –Tom DeLay, explaining why America must topple Saddam Hussein in 2002 interview with Fox News

5) "Nothing is more important in the face of a war than cutting taxes." –Tom DeLay, March 12, 2003

6) "Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills." –Tom DeLay, on causes of the Columbine High School massacre, 1999

7) "A woman can take care of the family. It takes a man to provide structure. To provide stability. Not that a woman can't provide stability, I'm not saying that... It does take a father, though." -Tom DeLay, in a radio interview, Feb. 10, 2004

8) "I don't believe there is a separation of church and state. I think the Constitution is very clear. The only separation is that there will not be a government church." –Tom DeLay

9) "Emotional appeals about working families trying to get by on $4.25 an hour [the minimum wage in 1996] are hard to resist. Fortunately, such families do not exist." –Tom DeLay, during a debate in Congress on increasing the minimum wage, April 23, 1996

10) "I am not a federal employee. I am a constitutional officer. My job is the Constitution of the United States, I am not a government employee. I am in the Constitution." –Tom DeLay, in a CNN interview, Dec. 19, 1995

Source links for the above are available here.




Ode To Tom DeLay
By Madeleine Begun Kane
(to the tune of “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”)

A Rep whose name is Tom DeLay,
He breaks the rules most ev'ry day.
He don't respect the law,
Thinks ethics are a bore.
'Tis time to show him crime don't pay.

Tom practices dishonesty.
Ignores the law with joy and glee.
Misused the FBI,
Golf junkets on the sly,
How 'bout we stop his crim'nal spree.

The winds of change are fin'ly blowing.
We're on the hunt for Tom DeLay.
The winds of change continue blowing,
And we'll soon send DeLay away.

Tom helps the rich and harms the poor.
He should not be a Rep no more.
To those who'd right his wrongs,
I dedicate this song.
It's time we show DeLay the door.

The man has caused a Texas mess,
With scheming done at his behest.
Eradicates his foes,
And everywhere he goes,
Treats Democrats like evil pests.

The winds of change are fin'ly blowing.
We're on the hunt for Tom DeLay.
The winds of change continue blowing,
And we'll soon send Delay away.

The right to die with dignity,
He flouted with iniquity.
A self-appointed God,
On state law ran rough shod.
Let's jail him for eternity.

Check out this and more political humor at Madeleine Kane’s website.

Thought for today: Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers