The Office

Everybody wants to complain about their job. Who wants to be cooped up in an office, typing away on a computer, doing something you cannot describe to someone outside the field, when you COULD be outside in the fresh air rolling out asphalt? There are downsides to every job, but the soul-sucking monotony of an office job gives rise to some really witty humor.



Lets start with a song: Cubicle Hell Blues (lyrics only, sorry)

You might relate to the guy in this cubicle video.


Those feelings can really get out of hand, as seen in The Mad Typist. (Thanks, Thor!)



To impress or confuse others, use the Bullshit Job Title Generator.

Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!
Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
23 power cords, 1 outlet.
Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

No matter how bad you think your job is, you can be glad you aren’t THIS guy!

But no office job could be as bad as the poor soul who collects sperm at a zoo.

The master of office humor has a blog! Scott Adams presents The Dilbert Blog. The Dilbert strips are here.



THE BOSS

Its bad enough having someone tell you what to do for eight hours a day. But when they have no clue, or no heart, things can get really ugly.

Interview with an honest boss. (Thanks, Carol Anne!)

The physical differences between you and your boss.

Bad Boss Horror Stories

The Meeting
Many Stories
The Thief (second story on this page)
The Dumpster


OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all of that.

1.) Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the square into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2.) Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3.) Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4.) When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, standup and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Adam W., Atlanta

-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
- David T., Rochester

-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
- Dan J., New York City

-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."
- Ben G., Denver

-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."
- Maggie R., Tampa

(Thanks, Joe!)


Thought for today: The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

humor links humor links office cubicle workplace boss work job

Holiday Shopping Guide

Let the Christmas shopping season begin! I enjoy Christmas shopping, now that I do it from the comfort of my bedroom. And the variety is so much better. ANYTHING beats a gift from WalMart. After driving the competition out of small towns, Walmart reduces our gifts choices to whatever they can get in bulk to cater to the lowest common denominator. Meanwhile, those Mom and Pop stores can’t compete, so they’ve moved to the ‘net, where the overhead is much lower. I suppose its not really Mom and Pop running online stores, but their sons and daughters.

The bottom line is, if you want something meaningful, unusual, or just NOT Walmart, you can find it online somewhere. And you will be supporting small businesses vs. the Big Box. Here are some suggestions to either get you started, or just give you a laugh.

First, be informed. Here are the ten most dangerous toys this year. More detailed info here.

If you’ve ever felt really disgusted at the prices of gifts in “luxury” catalogs, read about this phone prank on FAO Shwarz. And this one, too.


The LA Coroner’s Office has a little-known gift shop. There is an actual store at the morge, but its not labeled as such. Lucky for us, you can buy online!

Magnetic ribbons for the back of your car, can be custom-designed.

You can have a romance novel written with yourself as the main character, and your husbnad/wife/lover/stalking target as the love interest. The perfect gift for that someone special in your life.

L33t Speak replacement tiles for your Scrabble game. May give you an edge over the competition. Especially if they can't read them!

Earth dog tags, in case you are abducted by aliens. They will help you find your way home. Accessorizes nicely with the tinfoil helmet.

Celebriducks: rubber duckies that display more personality than that one you’ve been using.

Awesome pizza fork and cutter.

Dog thong, for the dog who farts.

The creepiest doll I’ve seen in a while.

Blank keyboard for super geeks. W00t!

A gift for someone you don't like. The Talking Deer Head. He sings, too. Check out the video at the site.

The Mind Molester beeping thing, for the geek practical joker.

Lighted houseslippers (why didn’t I think of that?)

Caution sign, cat vomit.

For your teenage daughter: Iron Hymen thong.

Parents no longer need to childproof the home, because now we have babycages!

Sonic hand grenade alarm, heavy sleepers beware! And DON'T try to take it on an airplane!

Cover up what you are REALLY reading, and freak out nosy strangers with titles like “How to Murder a Complete Stranger and Get away With It” and “Make your Mother a Porn Star” with these fake bookcovers.

Buy your loved one a membership in the Bacon of the Month Club.

Chocolate voodoo doll: talk about “sweet revenge”! No other gift says "Bite Me" like this one.

Aquarium toilet. Leftover from the Toilet Humor post.

Airline seats for your house, only $1500. At least they are first-clas!

The mighty rabbit of Caerbannog. For Monthy Python fans.



Holiday Darth Vader. Gotta have one!

Princess Leia’s Slave Bikini. Only $375!

Pee and Poo products.

Testicles jewelry. Are these little trophies, or what?

Testicle separator. Why? Beats me!

Your wrapping paper should reflect your personality. Here’s some geek wrapping paper.

And dont forget the bubble wrap!



If you run across any bizarre gift ideas, send them to me. Maybe I'll post Holiday Gift Guide Volume Two if I can come up with enough stuff to fill your stockings!

DAVE BARRY ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Gifts for Children

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.

Gifts for Men

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.


Buying gifts for men may be easy, but for men to BUY gifts, you may need the Christmas shopping guide for men.

Thought for today: I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

humor links shopping Christmas gifts holiday gift guide

Links and Diversions

If you aren’t working today, you’re probably preparing to eat, eating, or recovering from eating. Between the parade, the relatives, the carbs, and the football games, stick around and try some of these links. A viable excuse for not doing the dishes or hauling out the Christmas decorations!

Before we get started, here's a semi-serious note. As we count our blessings today, know that I am thankful for the opportunity to try this blogging thing. Its become an enjoyable hobby. I am thankful for those of you who contribute material, those who link to Miss Cellania, and for everyone who stops by to read. Hugs and giggles to you!

OK, imagine mixing a game of ping pong with the kind of visual effects found in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or The Matrix. Now imagine it done live on stage, with no computer help. Can’t imagine that? Then watch the video.

Videoconference gaff...aren’t you glad this ain’t you?

We will pause here for a short advertisement. Watch it!


Bizarre signs, about 300 of them. Be sure to read the descriptions. Example at left.

I should include a game today. Hyperframe is one of my kid’s favorites.

Hear the "unedited" version of radio transmissions during Neil Armstrong's first moonwalk. I heard about a teacher who didn't have the sound on when he got this. It ALMOST made it into a class presentation! Its NOT child-safe.

He never said that! List of commonly-used misquotes.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviews Republicans about global warming.

Dreamlines will construct a dream for you. I entered the subject “Santa Claus” and got this. Abstract, but pretty! Lifted from Presurfer.


Try the Exercise Your Music Muscle game. There are 74 bands represented on a picture; only a small portion of which is shown here. How many can you identify? I found a bunch, but certainly not 74...yet.

Lots of lookalikes. Spit take time, really.

Enjoy a view of Paris (the city, not her). Drag around for the full panorama.

Ed Bremson has a new blog, The Tao of Biotechnology, on a subject we all need to know more about. Give it a look!


NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!"and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."


HUNTING SEASON

I came across several photos that define the term “incompetent hunting”. You might also enjoy this little video of deer boxing.








































PS. I think if I put the words nude, nudity, and naked somewhere in a post, I'll get a lot more hits. I'll let you know how it works!

Thought for today: Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.

humor links humor links funny

Thanksgiving

Time for some Thanksgiving fun! I planned to post this one day early, so you can send a link or two to your friends as greetings, in lieu of a more appropriate phone call or nice handwritten letter. Or you could just send your friends here. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!


Thanks to Wulfweard the White for the picture to the left that I lifted from him... perfect!






Thanksgiving ecard.. "I Will Survive" (Thanks, Christy!)

Nice ecard preview, kids will like this one. (Thanks, Judy!)

Flash animation: Mr. Turkey.

Redneck Thanksgiving.

Turkey in the blog.










As if eating them weren't bad enough, how about skydiving using turkeys for a parachute?

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.





























































































































Thought for today: What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~Erma Bombeck

humor links Thanksgiving funny turkey holiday

Mars and Venus: Procedures

Gender differences have always fascinated me. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I also have a high respect for women. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you probably need a laugh. You've probably noticed than men and women do things differently. Taken to extreme, it can be just plain funny.

THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, covering up any exposed areas if you see husband along the way.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again. Condition with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes.
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner from hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower; spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower; dry with towel the size of a small country; wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
- Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
- Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. - Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Admire wiener size in mirror again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.



HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said

Thought for today: According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

male female humor gender man woman funny

Our Pets

WHY WE LOVE OUR PETS (Thanks, Eva!)

They help out around the house...

























They protect our children ..




















They look out for the smaller ones ..





















They are great at decorating for the Holidays ...



















They "converse" with each other .






















They help you when you're down .


















They show us how to relax ...























They have "great" expectations .





















They are Patriotic ..





















They are happy to "test" the water ..




















They love their "teddies" ..


















They know who's "BOSS" ..















AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!


















Thought for today: Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

humor pets cats dogs funny

This and that

I have about a million jokes, links, and pictures stored in my computer. About three dozen files are categorized, but they aren't quite full enough yet to pull up and publish. Lately, I've had a problem surfing, in that I look at all kinds of things and I think, yeah, that's cute, but it isn't funny ENOUGH for my dozen or so readers. And I have also been quite busy, trying to make myself clear this mess of a house up since I'm going to have company this weekend. I bought a turkey, but haven't done anything else to get ready for Thanksgiving (which I am cooking, DON'T LAUGH). So I am going to throw a few MissCellanious funny things at you today, see how you like it.


This music video is cute, funny, and sad all at once. Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me.

The Good Earth: pictures of our world from outer space. Lovely!

You’re gonna waste your time tossing paper wads in the can across the room anyway. Do it online, so you don’t have to pick up the litter. (Thanks, Del!)

I found an awesome acheivement in editing, and the kids will like it, too. The gang from Peanuts does Hey Ya!

I Love Egg has a series of very strange flash animations starring eggs.

A game that might drive you crazy: Red Square. I had to pull myself away. About 12 seconds is my best attempt.

READ ANY GOOD BLOGS LATELY?

The Order of Brilliant Bloggers was created to recognize those who put a real effort into their blogs, and to encourage wider blog readership. They are currently taking November nominations for best site and best entry in Political, Serious (non-political), Comedic, and Photo blogs, plus another award for Best Comment Trails. You can nominate a site by leaving a comment. There is also a category for Best Historic Post, for any that predate November. Go give a look at the sites that are already nominated, and suggest others if you like! You can vote for the November awards during the first week of December.

New tongue twister!
From Driftglass, who is always worth a read, whether he’s being serious or not.
















The Pope procured a proper purple Papal paper stapler to staple proper purple Papal paper.





S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were collected from SAT tests! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.


I asked my self What kind of girl are you? Then I took the quiz. Here's what they told me about myself.

I am Progressive Girl Click on the picture below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

MY OWNER IS AN IDIOT
























































































































Thought for today: When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.


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