(via Criggo)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
9 Delightful Library Cats
Pharmacy
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
Sauced Measuring Wine Glass
Sauced Measuring Wine Glass - $14.95 (sold individually)
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99 Food Holidays To Celebrate This Summer. You've got your menu laid out for you, with recipes links included!
In case you didn't already know: if you work full-time at minimum wage, you cannot afford the average two-bedroom apartment in the U.S. That's why those who can't find a roommate are moving back in with their parents -or looking for one bedroom apartments.
Matt was determined to race at Field Day, despite having spastic cerebral palsy. He had all the support he needed to finish the race, but you might need a hankie.
If you watched all the Harry Potter films because you love the magic, we have the perfect supercut. All the magic spells of all eight movies are distilled into one video for you.
Garfunkel and Oates recorded a song about the difference in perspective in the same woman at different ages. NSFW lyrics.
Winnie-the-Pooh is My Co-Worker. (via mental_floss)
One guy brought Super Mario World to life -inside his fish tank! Whatever the score is, this one's a winner.
Accident Reports
These are statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining. Yes, I know this is at least 40 years old. Still funny today.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Rockelbel's Canon on Four Cellos
The Piano Guys have their own take on "Pachelbel's Canon in D." From the YouTube page:
Ask any cellist. They'll tell you about what's it's like to play the cello part of Pachebel's Canon in D. It's the same 8 notes over and over and over again. The good news is, it's easy to memorize. The bad news is you don't know when to stop. There's a rumor floating around that says Pachelbel either died while writing it, never finishing the cello part, or that he dated a cellist and it did NOT go well. :P This arrangement is dedicated to all the cellists that have fallen asleep while playing this song...or at least wanted to fall asleep. Steven Sharp Nelson actually began writing this arrangment while bored at a wedding. :)
The song is available for download. (via The Daily What)
Supershark!
Take a story of an overgrown predator, add a sexy retro soul soundtrack, and don't forget the juggling, bikini-clad beach babes! How could you improve that formula? I know -add a walking tank! Oh yeah, this was a real movie. (via Metafilter)
Abstinence
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
You Might Be A ... Hand Sanitizer
You Might Be A ... Hand Sanitizer - 8.95 (sold separately)
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A Better Amercia
The Romney Campaign released an app so you can illustrate the phrase "A Better Amercia. I'm with Mitt." People are going with it, and you can see the results at the blog Amercia is With Mitt! (via Metafilter)
Miss Cellania's Links
Prom 2012: Expectations Vs. Reality. From the experience of a blogger who went to her senior prom recently.
Google Thinks You’re Stupid—and Works to Keep You in the Dark. For an information company, they are peculiarly secretive about their own inner workings.
November is Coming. No doubt more people would be paying attention to this year's election if it were set in a fantasy world and broadcast on HBO.
Researchers at MIT have figured out how to judge the sincerity of your smile. They need to do this to “help people with face-to-face communication,” as that is apparently becoming a lost art.
How zoos decide which endangered species to save. It's a shame that limited budgets doom some animals to oblivion.
9 Nicknames for Natives. States don't follow logic or memory tricks when residents decide what they're called.
Deer Hunters
A carload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.
The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor?
That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car.
Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!"
A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, "I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!"
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Now Open: 8 New Thrill Rides at America’s Theme Parks
Merged Books
It's two! Two! Two books in one! If either one can be a best seller alone, imagine what they could be together. I found out that the original source for these is the Washington Post feature called Merge-Matic Books. I don't know what year they were first published, but it was a long time ago. The contributors names, if known, are in parentheses. (Thanks, Robert!)
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detaile d drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after fa lling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooooong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.
"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.
"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.
"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.
"Singing in the Black Rain"- A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the sh*t out of Gene Kelly.
"Fiddlemarch" - Emotionally dessicated medievalist Dr. Casaubon is transformed when everyone in the town reveals that they are Jewish and start to dance and sing a lot.
"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?
"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.
"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.
"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.
"A Time To Kill A Mockingbird": The Alabama KKK, outraged at Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck) for defending a black man in an Alabama rape trial, get revenge by abducting and molesting Scout. Jake Brigance (Matthew McConaughey) and his lovely law student assistant Ellen Roark (Sandra Bullock) arrive from Mississippi to take over defending the case for the distraught Finch, and later defend sharpshooter Finch for taking revenge on the KKK members.
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"-Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik
firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only
to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra
Hull, Arlington)
"Tarzan of the Grapes"-The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved
by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Curious Georgefather"-The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"-Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in
bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John
Verba, Washington)
"The Silence of the Hams"-In this endearing update of the Seuss
classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his
friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
(Thanks, Ken!)
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" - An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detaile d drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after fa lling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooooong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.
"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.
"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.
"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.
"Singing in the Black Rain"- A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the sh*t out of Gene Kelly.
"Fiddlemarch" - Emotionally dessicated medievalist Dr. Casaubon is transformed when everyone in the town reveals that they are Jewish and start to dance and sing a lot.
"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?
"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.
"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.
"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.
"A Time To Kill A Mockingbird": The Alabama KKK, outraged at Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck) for defending a black man in an Alabama rape trial, get revenge by abducting and molesting Scout. Jake Brigance (Matthew McConaughey) and his lovely law student assistant Ellen Roark (Sandra Bullock) arrive from Mississippi to take over defending the case for the distraught Finch, and later defend sharpshooter Finch for taking revenge on the KKK members.
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"-Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik
firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only
to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra
Hull, Arlington)
"Tarzan of the Grapes"-The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved
by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Curious Georgefather"-The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"-Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in
bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John
Verba, Washington)
"The Silence of the Hams"-In this endearing update of the Seuss
classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his
friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
(Thanks, Ken!)
Banned Books Mug
Banned Books Mug - $10.95
Are you looking for a fun way to celebrate your freedom to read? You need the Banned Books Mug from the NeatoShop. This great mug features titles such as:
- Ulysses
- Nighteen Eighty-four
- The Origin of Species
- Catch-22
- Kritik der reinien Vernuft (Critique of Pure Reason)
- And Tango Makes Three
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Lady Chatterly's Lover
- Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
- Howl
- The Satanic Verses
- Tropic of Cancer
- Madame Bovary
- Animal Farm
- Naked Lunch
- Du Contrat Social (The Social Contract)
- and more...
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The 60 pictures in this Extreme Tattoo Gallery go way beyond tramp stamps. A few might even be NSFW.
An Honest Game of Life differs from the board game quite a bit. Just like the real prospects for a secure and satisfying career differ from what they were when the game was developed.
A Video Roundup of 2012's most memorable commencement speeches. You might want to bookmark this and spend some time enjoying each one separately over time.
6 Ridiculous Lies You Believe About the Founding of America.
If you are elderly and poor, prison is better than a retirement home.
The Unglamorous, Punishing Hours of Working on a Hollywood Set.
Mechanical Matchmaking: The Science of Love in the 1920s.
One Facebook Thread to Rule Them All. Or actually seven threads.
Ranch Life
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says:
"I guess it's to hang your pants on....."
(via Bits and PIeces)
Monday, May 28, 2012
Getting the Book Invented Properly
Long before we actually had ebooks, Douglas Adams recorded the audio portion of this video in 1993 for his publisher, Voyager Expanded Books. Now there's a competition underway challenging animators to illustrate Adams' prophetic essay, and this entry by Gavin Edwards is a standout. (via Buzzfeed)
The Homecoming
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation."
So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."
Pirate Skull Door Knocker
Pirate Skull Door Knocker - $24.95 (sold individually)
Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more intoxicating Pirate items!
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Miss Cellania's Links
The Last Letters From World War I Literary Heroes. Poets Wilfred Owen and Edward Thomas, and editor Roland Gerard Garvin all died in the War to End All Wars.
A little boy visits his father's grave at Arlington. It's a gripping photo included in the gallery of Memorial Day Tributes Around the World.
10 Things to Remember About Memorial Day. It's not just an excuse for a three-day weekend.
Honor Flight is a program to bring World War II veterans to see the memorial built in their honor in Washington, D.C. You can help fund these trips.
A gyroscope can give you super powers! Yep, when science doesn't illuminate, at least it can baffle you entertainingly.
The Great Britain Olympic Team is soon to be available as a Lego set. Even if they never win a medal, this is a gold-medal marketing idea.
10 Latin Phrases You Pretend to Understand.
What You See Vs. What They See.
How I Stopped Worrying (about science accuracy) And Learned to Love The Story. (via Bad Astronomy)
Getting a Job
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.85 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm Good day.'
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter
reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'
'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.85 an hour.'
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story here on a blog, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire
Sadly, I received this joke by email. I grow plenty of tomatoes, but I’m paid like a blogger.
(Thanks, Duke!)
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Lazy Bows 3D Wrapping Paper
Does the idea of having to tie a pretty bow onto your package make you break out into sweats. You need the Lazy Bows Wrapping Paper from the NeatoShop. This great gift wrapping has a 3D bow printed on the paper. The Lazy Bows 3D Wrapping Paper includes: 2 sheets of wrapping paper and 2 pairs of 3D glasses in matching envelopes. With this fantastic paper and the slip on shoes you already own you may never have to tie a pesky bow again! Yippee!
Do you loathe to gift wrap? Let the NeatoShop do all the work. The Neatoshop offers real gift wrapping. We don't just plop it into some silly draw string bag.
Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more awesome Party Supplies!
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Vice President Biden Discusses Grief & Loss
Joe Biden addresses the 18th Annual TAPS (Tragedy Assistance for Survivors) National Military Survivor Seminar on Friday. He talked about losing his own wife and daughter and the process of grieving the loss of a loved one. This is touching. (via Metafilter)
Train Trip
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Buddy
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Hulk Lamp
Hulk Lamp - $69.95
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Fire Man
Half the fun of this strange Japanese ad is trying to figure out what it's for before you are told!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Star Wars 35th Anniversary
On May 25, 1977, a film hit theaters that would influence everything that came after: Star Wars. Now known as Episode IV or A New Hope, it was the first of six feature films and a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't feature films. You can celebrate by visiting some of the Star Wars humor here at Miss Cellania. And for those of you who want to feel old, how about revisiting a post I wrote for the 30th anniversary in 2007 called The First Time I Saw Star Wars.
Rainbow Hat
Rainbow Hat - $25.95
Are you looking for the perfect rainy day pick-me-up? You need the fantastic Rainbow Hat from the NeatoShop. This great hat will have you feeling More Awesome Than A Double Rainbow.
Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more sunny Headgear.
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Penguins Chase a Laser Light
Penguins at the Dingle Oceanworld aquarium in Dingle City, Ireland, get a workout chasing a light from a laser pointer. So fun to chase; so difficult to eat! (via Arbroath)
Miss Cellania's Links
15 Incredibly Awkward Moments, starring adorable animals.
The Conservative Fantasy History of Civil Rights. (via Boing Boing)
Pedro Hernandez has been arrested for the murder of Etan Patz 33 years ago. How could they have missed the suspect in the early investigation?
A new trailer is out for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. The axe-wielding future president kills vampires to keep them from seceding from the Union. Really.
Time-Traveling Celebrities. This kind of things is only going to be more common as time goes by.
Toddlers in tutus on stage for a dance recital are as cute as can be! That is, until they decide that's the perfect time for a shoving match.
Researchers at Cornell are working on teaching a robot how to tidy up the house. It can learn to distinguish what goes in the refrigerator and what goes in the trash, unlike my children.
6 Food Challenges for the Super Competitive (or Super Hungry). Big meals can be free if you eat it all, or dearly expensive if you can't.
Cleveland
This is titled "Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video." I can believe it. I have no opinion on Cleveland one way or the other, since I've never been there. (via YesButNoButYes)
Senior Sex Shorties
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
*****
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
*****
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
*****
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting!" said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"
(via It Occurred to Me)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Will Smith on the Graham Norton Show
Here, for once and for all, is proof that everyone in the world over the age of ten knows the theme song to the TV show The Fresh Prince of Bel Air by heart. And they don't mind to sing it for you, either! Will Smith was one of the guests on the BBC last week. (via Laughing Squid)
Ten Tetris Treats
Honey Badger Mints
Does your breath stink? Honey Badger Don't Care ... but he'll help! The Honey Badger Mints from the NeatoShop will have you feeling minty fresh in no time. Go Honey Badger! Go!
Be sure to check out the NeatoShop for more refreshing Mints & Candies!
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Remember, a portion of every NeatoShop item you buy through this website helps to support Miss Cellania.
Order your Miss Cellania T-shirt at the NeatoShop, too!
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