The more I put into this site, the more I enjoy it. And its only getting easier. I've gotten my system down to where I always have enough, nay, way too much material for a different subject every day. That leaves me time to ponder more serious things, like just how many Advicelords are there... or does he just use the royal "we"? And is Arbroath a male or a female?
I always welcome input, suggestions, submissions, requests, criticism and compliments. Especially the compliments! You may have noticed that the more flattering comments find their way into the "marquee" (header). I am also in negotiations with a professional graphic artist to lend his assistance here. AND I got my own domain. PLUS the blogspot.com sites began loading for me again. So March has been a really productive month, both here and in my personal life. Hey! I've been a non-smoker for almost two months!
I got a lot of traffic from two new services, Blogmad and Eat My Hamster. Also a LOT of searches for the Tattoo Removal skit from SNL, since I was ranked quite highly for that one. Thanks to File It Under, Steve the Pirate, and Tapscott Behind the Wheel for featuring this site in carnivals this month. The most popular post was Sex and the Single Blogger, both in response and in traffic. All you need to do is put the word SEX in a title or tag to ensure lots of peeks, even if they are dissapointed in the end. The most popular links were Naked Air and Naked World Records, for obvious reasons. Some folks act like they've never seen a naked body before. I ran into some really strange search terms, too!
breasts & "homing device" elderly women naked and ready to do what you want i dont know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing kills brain cells drinking lazy pie chart showing percents of where people have died because of landmines glistening like nose hair after a miss nude lebanon women with a penis what women think about Bjs
Can you blame me for taking yet another look at this? Oh, while we are on the subject of ... whatever, there's a contest going on now at Best of Blogger where you can vote for the sexiest male blogger (on the main page sidebar). In fact, you can still nominate someone today. Voting is open til April 6th.
Get ready for Opening Day of the 2006 baseball season! I grew up and live in a basketball state, so my experience with baseball is somewhat limited. My father wanted me to join the Little League when I was a kid. In those days, it would have been a political statement for a girl to even try out. I wasn’t too interested, and as soon as my brother was old enough for Little League, Dad forgot all about pushing me into it. But baseball seems to be important to a lot of people, so I will play along. Because it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, its how you play the game. Yeah, right!
Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.
Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them. Gee, just like baseball fans.
It's spring training. Time to see if your favorite baseball team has anybody left on it from last year.
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home?
Of the major sports, baseball has the best fighting. Then comes boxing. Watch The Top Ten Baseball Fights.
If you’d rather read about baseball fights, there’s plenty there, too
Better just play some baseball yourself. Right there in front of your computer. Try Japanese Baseball.
Small Ball gives you your own team. You train your players and decide what positions they play. Then, when you're ready, you challenge other teams. You are the coach, manager, and owner.
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game...
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game isn’t nearly over.
Based on the given information, what inning is it?
Is is easy and right there.
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
THE SCOTSMAN
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un laddy! R-r-run!"
A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un boy, r-r-run will ya."
The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and said, "Walk with pride, lad."
Why Baseball IS Better Than Sex
The Top Ten
Rank
Reason
10.
It is legal to play professionally.
9.
You can count on it at least four times a week.
8.
You have a coach to tell you when to advance.
7.
When you are tired, you always get relieved.
6.
If you strike out once, you always have two more chances for a hit.
5.
Up to four people can score at once.
4.
Pop ups are frequent.
3.
30,000 people cheer when you score.
2.
After seven innings, you get to stretch.
1.
You can get a home run without any foreplay.
The above was pretty obviously written by a testoterone-based lifeform. Can't blame me!
It's true. Baseball is as American as mom, apple pie, and handguns.
Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.
More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf. It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitment to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.
My mother was an English major in college, and now she’s a world traveler. She’s traveled all over North America, Europe, and Africa. She lived in Africa for a while, courtesy of the Peace Corps. She says she’s spoken English with people all over the world, and the only ones she couldn’t understand were in England.
Its amazing how people all over the world manage to learn English, since it IS the most difficult language on earth. Difficult? How difficult could it be? After all, I learned it! Then again, there are those who would argue about that... SOME people think that words like “reckon” and “yonder” belong to some other language.
The word Oxymoronica is defined as any compilation of phrases or quotations that initially appear illogical or nonsensical, but upon reflection, make a good deal of sense and are often profoundly true. Anyone who enjoys the absurdities of the English language will love the site Oxymoronica.
For a serious study of the different kinds of English, see this huge amount of information on dialects.
Conversational terrorism. The intent of detailing and naming these insidious tactics is so that the reader may AVOID USING THEM, to quickly recognize if someone else is using them, and for fun. There is much humor in the way people (consciously or unconsciously) conversationally cheat.
English Genius You scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 86% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, we polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP, so it's time to shut UP! Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P
*******
Pain in the English has questions (and sometimes answers) about the odd usage of words and terms.
Blog of the day: Literally, a Weblog is dedicated to the use and misuse of one overused English word. Its a hoot!
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it,
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
Why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Where did this strange language come from and why do we speak it?
'Cause we don't know another, I guess...
No littering. See how hard it is to translate English?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll bet you're going to check this out.)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it’s written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation’s OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve, Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Thought for today: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. -Homer Simpson
Insomnia is a way of life for me. This site was born out of insomnia. I’m even starting to get a reputation for it. Hoss thinks I stay up too late when I’m actually getting up too early. Sometimes. Other times I haven’t been to sleep at all! But even with just three or four hours of sleep, I cannot keep a regular schedule. I could be up at 1AM for six nights straight, then the ONE night I get the 1AM phone call that I’ve been waiting for, I’ll be sound asleep and cause unneccessary embarassment on the part of the caller. As we say in these parts, “can’t win for losing.”
This is National Sleep Awareness Week, so I threw together a bunch of sleepy funnies for your entertainment and education. Lets start with some games.
Help Oscar stay awake at work. Not an easy game to figure out.
Sheep Dash, a game to measure your reaction time. Sleepless Knight. With a name like that, I HAD to include it in the insomnia post. Read the instructions to get past the password problem.
You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
My new kitten Biscuit looks like a full-grown cat in miniature. I think he’s about 12-14 weeks old. That would put him on par with a 5-6 year old human boy. In this case, that boy would be Dennis the Menace. If there is a stack of important papers on my desk, he will knock them off one by one. He LOVES grapes... not to eat, but to bat around on the floor like a ball. His preferred food is anything we people are eating, so he gets locked up at mealtimes. He leaps into the refrigerator every time the door is opened, twice getting shut up in it. He has a very loud and incessant maaaaoww. He loves to run across my keyboard and cancel whatever I’m downloading, and he loves to chase that infernal cursor across the screen. But his most cherished entertainment is watching the toilet flush. He is very tolerant of the girls carrying him around, dressing him up, and giving him baths. He has become the master of the ankle ambush. Its fortunate for him he’s so CUTE!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen, "Ed! Ed, the garbage disposal is dead. Would you come and reset it, please?" "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower ( pitter-patter). "You can reset it yourself."
"I am scared of that!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck nekkid, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last sane action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs as I knelt there. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the new toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my nether region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"
This video contains lots of strange and classic cat clips.
1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Automotive
