College Majors

Biochemistry: Spend 4 years aspiring to discover the cure for cancer and the rest of your life manufacturing shampoo.

Archaeology: If you don’t know what it is, it’s probably ceremonial.

Information Technology: Let me google that for you.

Chemistry: Where alcohol IS the solution.

Political Science: Your opinion is wrong.

Aerospace Engineering: It actually is rocket science.

Engineering: The art of figuring out which parameters you can safely ignore.

Structural Engineering: Because architects don’t know what physics is.

Philosophy: Think about it…

Communications: We’ll teach you everything you need to know about convincing your friends that your degree is actually meaningful.

Speech Pathology: We have ways of making you talk.

Linguistics: Study 17 languages, be fluent in none of them.

Criminal Justice: We’re here because of Law & Order reruns.

Photography: It’s worth a shot.

Statistics: Where everything’s made up and the numbers don’t matter.

Anthropology: It’ll get you laid, but it won’t get you paid.

Zoology: Because you can’t major in kittens.

Psychology: Good luck doing anything before getting your master’s.

Pre-Med: You’ll probably switch majors in 2 years.

History: History may repeat itself, but you definitely will.

English: So you want to be a teacher.

Film: Forks on the left, knives on the right.

Astrophysics: Eh, I’m within an order of magnitude…

Creative Writing: Because job security is for pussies.

Latin: Because useful is overrated.

Physics: Everything you learned last week was wrong.

Nursing: Learning to save other’s lives while struggling not to take your own.

Marine Biology: I wanted to play with dolphins, instead I’m looking at algae.

Accounting: Selling your soul for money.

Finance: Because accounting was too hard.

Journalism: Learn how to construct an argument that no one will pay to listen to.

Art History: And you thought MAKING art was pointless.

Music Performance: If you don’t hate yourself, you’re doing it wrong.

Graphic Design: No, we aren’t artists. We’re designers.