Macho Driving Techniques

Those who have been driving for many years are familiar with macho driving techniques. Newer drivers however, are probably curious as to what these people are up to. Here's some tips for macho driving:

* Drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It must be very large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. If it doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from MX missile transport trucks (roughly 6' in diameter); raise the suspension to allow clearance over the whimps that drive cars.

* Practice your best scowl. Remember, that this is the only expression you are permitted to show once you're behind the wheel.

* Do not be intimidated by the weather. It should never affect your driving style. Under no circumstances should you use windshield wipers. They're for appearance only. If snow blankets your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of you. You are not permitted to leave your vehicle to do this however! If you can't reach around to the windshield while you are driving, then put on your defroster full blast until you can just see the road.

* Darkness intimidates whimps! Only use your headlights when its pitch dark, so that you can see the police. Of course, if you have those blinding yellow fog lights, you may use them whenever you see fit.

* Be prepared to yell obscenities at &/or give the finger to anything that crosses your path.

* The road sign "YIELD" or a flashing yellow light have no meaning. Actually, the STOP Sign is the indication to yield, but only if absolutely necessary. You must never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you does.

* Driving on the shoulder during traffic jams is strongly encouraged.

* Passing on winding, narrow roads without hesitation will gain the respect of other macho drivers.

* Never yield to emergency vehicles, such as ambulances. They will find a way to get around you. Hell, they should never have caught up with you in the first place.

* You must master the art of tailgating to become a full-fledged macho driver. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two feet or less between you and the vehicle in front of you without even paying attention! This is particularly irritating to the driver who is in front of you in heavy traffic. Remember, you are always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.

* Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. This must be done with great care when cutting off other macho drivers. Your mission is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground as it brakes to a screeching halt.

* Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close off gaps in traffic. When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into traffic or accelerating from behind in an attempt to get past you, you must adjust your speed such that the gap in traffic will not be there when that vehicle gets to it. You must anticipate the driver's intention while, nonchalantly altering your speed to intercept.

Note: A fun variation of this technique is to use it to prevent vehicles from getting on or off the highway at ramps.