Linkosity

I read in some blog somewhere, "you are what you post". Just the thought of that makes me want to gnash my teeth. But I gave up gnashing long ago on the advice of my dentist. And I've got enough angst going in my life right now already. I'm trying to plan TWO birthday parties without having either of them here at the house, which I do not want to clean. My garden work is just beginning. I quit smoking two months ago and still want one about once an hour. I gained ten pounds and don't know how to take them off, considering I'm walking two miles a day, lifting weights and dancing, skipping meals, and no sweets or breads at all. What else can I deny myself? How else can I make my life miserable? What else can I whine and complain about? Oh well, despite the opening line here, I will pass along the amusing but useless links I came across this week.

Video: Smoking can seriously damage your health.

I've never been good with a sliding puzzle. You are probably better. Try the one with my face on it, or you can make your own!

Top Ten Classic Viral Videos.

Cy, the Cyclops Kitten has found a final resting place.

Make this little pipecleaner man dance! Addictive.

Ugly baby contest. I would qualify this as an ugly baby PICTURE contest. I bet these kids are cute in real life

You can find anything on the net! The problem is, most of its really boring. You’d think a website on how to lace your shoes might be boring, but you’d be wrong. Ian’s Showlace Site has instructions on turning your shoes into works of art.

The end of the world, set to music. Actually, this video shows a compilation of early atomic blasts taken from individual short films of the tests.

THE BURGLAR

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a rottweiler, “Jesus.”


I took the Idiot Test I found at Wulfweard.

I am 5% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

You’re My Favorite Idiot. Send this to someone you ... want to bother. Then that tune will be stuck in HIS head all day!

The Top 20 Strangest Gadgets and Accessories.

In case you can’t get enough bling with normal jewelry, you can now decorate your teeth for any ocassion. (Thanks, Bill!)

New from Mark Fiore: Migraphobia.


Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Do It Yourself Laser Eye Surgery.

Commentary on bad comic books. So bad, they are good.

Politicians arrested for violating their Family Values.

How NOT to get a bear out of a tree! (via Arbroath)

I am a fan of a blogger who’s the publicity rep or travel coordinator or something for this group. So if you listen to them and like them and buy a CD, I’d appreciate it.

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,
"Those little devils."

Watch these cool but useless contraptions at work! The video is nine minutes, so load it when you have something offline to do.




Thought for today: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

humor links video funny jokes

More Toilet Humor

For some reason, I though I had found enough funny material on toilets last year when I posted the original Toilet Humor. Boy, was I wrong! New websites and jokes are always coming across my publishing desk. Thanks to everyone for the submissions and suggestions, and a big smooch on the cheek to a great circle of bloggers who also have a sense of toilet humor.

Read reviews of public restrooms at Restroom Rantings!

Gallery of homemade toilets.

In Britain, they have urinals that just appear when they are needed.

A somewhat complicated prank to pull at your workplace: RoboDump. At least you’ll have someone to blame the smell on.

The Outhouse Classic in Trenary. Michigan. Race your outhouse on skis, and win some fabulous prizes!

A mathematician tackles the toilet seat problem.

Test your men’s room etiquette with the The Urinal Game. Especially informative for ladies because we didn’t already know all this stuff.


ETIQUETTE

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better" she said, "but it's still not very nice to use the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to introducing you to right after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

PRODUCTS


Amazing urinal design called The Pee Tree. This link goes to a delightful automatic English translation.

Toilet Snorkel.

Galaktica: The famous luminous toilet seat.

Turn your old Macintosh computer into a toilet paper dispenser, or iWipe.

The $5,000 toilet.





Restroom Signs

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

and my favourite,

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Toilets of the Blogosphere

Duke of Earle posted about the outhouses on a golf course in Texas.

More toilet humor from Hoss.

Rocky Jay’s urinal adventure. (WARNING: Site not safe for work)

Stringman writes about the inequity of ladies room waiting lines.

Marti explained WHY it takes so long for some SOME ladies to use a public loo.

FTS talks about how to select a restroom in a gay bar.

Jason describes the coolest mensroom ever. (Thanks, Christy!)

Wouldn't it just be TOO cool to have a bathroom with a floor painted like this one? Especially when your guests have a little too much to drink! But no, its a Photoshop masterpiece.

THE CAMPGROUND (lifted from Lucy)

An old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language was planning a camping trip in their Motorhome with her husband. While writing a letter to a campground to learn about their facilities, she became concerned - she could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. She needed to know about the campground toilets. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the letter - this time referring to the bathroom commode as BC; "Does the campground have it's own BC?", she wrote.

The campground owner was puzzled when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.

The campground owner, finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely, (Campground Owner)

POTTY MOD GALLERY



Wonder what we could call this project? Hmm..

Its coming to me...


The iPot.












A proper propper.















When you gotta go, you gotta GO!















The women made a few changes in the unisex restroom.












Thought for today: "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." -Mark (age 6)


humor links humor links toilet outhouse funny bathroom loo

Dentist

I have what some call “East Kentucky Chalk Teeth”. When your teeth are hereditarily built this way, you can brush six times a day, floss, avoid sweets, use flouride, and see a dentist regularly, and they will still fall apart. So I have extensive dental work collected over quite a few decades. I technically have all my teeth, but every one is filled, repaired, capped, or crowned in some manner.

When I moved back to Kentucky after many years away, I tried more than one dentist. They all had the same technique. “You have a cavity. Ya want me to pull that tooth?” I was shocked, but most folks here would just have the tooth pulled. Its much cheaper than repairing it. My current dentist has my loyalty because 1) he wants to try and save each tooth, and b) he lets me have all the laughing gas I require. He charges an arm and a leg, but I still have all my teeth! (at least technically)


DIAGNOSIS

"A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, 'Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth.'
Dentist: 'You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.'
Man: 'Yes, I know.'
Dentist: 'So why did you come in here?'
Man: 'The light was on...'"


Investigating the Tooth Fairy.

If your name was Toothaker, wouldn’t you feel pressured to go to dental school?

Lucy’s recent dental experience.




THE COHENS

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

EATING

A man went to his dentist because his mouth felt funny. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious. Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

To which the dentist replied, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

The Dentist number from Little Shop of Horrors.



THE REUNION
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
"Surely I can't look that old?" Read on:

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a
tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school
class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush
on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm...or could he????

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, yes, I did! I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?" (Thanks, Linda!)


Thought for today: Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. -Johnny Carson



humor dentist video funny teeth jokes toothache

Just Desserts

One of the many methods I used to get myself through the first couple of weeks of not smoking was candy. Peppermint as a substitute, chocolate as a reward. Yeah, it helped, but it also packed the pounds on (no snarks from you, Hoss, please). I keep telling myself “this is temporary, I can lose this weight”. Sure I can, all it takes is MORE self-denial MORE sacrifice, MORE willpower. Reminds me of the old joke where the man asks the doctor how long can he expect to live. The doctor asks, “Do you eat healthy food, avoid smoking, drinking, and wild sex, go to bed at a decent time, and exercise?” When the man answers yes, the doctor says “Then why do you care?”

See amazing things made of candy at Sugart.

Cuppycake Gumdrop Snookums. You need to have your insulin ready for this one.

Virtual Ice Cream Cone Generator.

Pie blogging, for pie fans.

Fortune generator for cookies.

Bad Fortune Cookie Generator.

What is your chocolate personality? Take the quiz!

Red Velvet Cake does not taste like velvet. Devil's Food Cake does not taste like hell. So what about Urinal Cakes?

Indulge online at The Candy Addict.





























THE BAKE SALE (Thanks, Wendy!)

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this....
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale!

After rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."


Thought for today: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!

PS Voting is open til Thursday for the title of Sexiest Male Blogger at Best of Blogger. Please go and vote for Carl .You can see a picture of him here. If you need more convincing, check out his occupation, education, and interests. He is way behind Mr. Fabulous, but it will make him feel good if you go vote, and he might even forgive me for neglecting to immediately nominate him.

humor jokes dessert funny cake pie cookies

Underwear

Foundation garments. What a silly thing to call underwear! A foundation is the part of your house made of cement blocks. Or that box under your mattress that no longer has springs. What we have here is underwear. What you wear under your normal clothing. What your mother always told you to change every day, “in case you have an accident”. Huh, what do you think it means to “have an accident”? Of course, Mom meant for the sake of the emergency room personnel, who are known for critiquing the underwear they have to cut away from a trauma victim. Like they have the time to spare.

I don’t know how I managed to collect this many links to do with underwear! But the proper thing to do would be to share them. Feel free to tell your friends about this post. You can even send it to them by clicking on the little envelope down there by the comment link.

I started out by emailing my male friends and asking what kind of underwear they wear. Such a simple question. It used to be "boxers or briefs?" but no. Half the guys emailed me back saying "Depends". Har har har. I realize y'all are not getting any younger, but.. the other half said they don't wear any. Its called "going commando" apparently. The experience was a real eye-opener, so to speak.

Gallery of Famous Women in Slips.

Tramp Lamps, made from lingerie.

Petticoat Pond. File this under bizarre. (lifted from Saurly Yours)

The Almost Naked Animals website features cartoons of animals in their underwear, which merited it a place in this post.

The Wedgie Song.

Fundies, underwear for the two of you.

The story of The Negligee.

Illuminated rainbow bra.



“Knickers” is a British word for underwear. Ten percent of the English wear them for three days straight before changing.

Its always important to make sure a sports bra performs. (Not work-safe)

Krust critiques bras. Thongs are discussed in the comments. I had no idea that men felt that way about matching bra-and-panty sets, but I will file that away for the future. I am the optimistic sort, after all.


















BAR JOKE

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?", she asks.

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!".

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble! You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

The Underwear Oracle

THE GIFT

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Roger

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

*********

Now for dessert:

Your Fortune Is

Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

THE WIDDER WOMAN (Thanks, April!)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, e v e r so s lo w l y.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

UPDATE from the comments: Girl, you totally forgot Mormon Underwear. If you're a devout mormon, you never take it off. You have sex with it on.

(?!?! Thanks, Saur!)

Previously on Miss Cellania: Bras

Thought for today: This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. -Rodney Dangerfield

PS On Wednesday, April 5, 2006, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 AM in the morning, the time and date will be

01:02:03 04/05/06

This won't happen again for a hundred years.

humor jokes games funny underwear panties
thongs bras lingerie underpants wedgie

Linkorama

Nominations are closed, but voting is open through April 6th for the Sexiest Male Blogger at Best of Blogger. I found out about it when someone asked me to vote for Hoss, then Carl got a bit upset, and now I know several guys in the running. My solution is to vote early and often. After all, the next contest will be for Funniest Female Blogger, and I will need all the help I can get!

Here’s an innovative way to make friends!

Mamacita has a short course on polygamy, with links. Be sure to check out the creepy Polygamy Personals.

What strange and foreign object can we stick a computer inside of today? Neatorama answered with the ultimate list of case mods. Fascinating. I most relate to the PC inside a coffeemaker. What’s more, Alex submitted this link to ME! I am ultimately flattered, because Neatorama is one of the 600 pound gorillas of the Blogosphere. Just a real cool site.

Guys, if you really want to know what a woman wants to hear from you, read this site. Especially the January 13th entry. I’d marry him myself if he weren’t so young. BUT if you want to know how to BE a real man (which is altogether more important), see what Joel says about it.


Blog of the day: Useless Advice from Useless Men. Very descriptive title. So many men, so little utility.





Neatorama has the answer to the age-old question, how did all those Jackasses get to California?

Real things people said that are funnier than anything we can make up.

1950s anti-gay film warning boys of the dangers of homosexuals who are “sick” and “contagious”.



Marti posted The Homosexual Agenda.

Take the Senses Challenge. I got half of them right.

OK guys, quick! Try to think about anything but sex!

A little game of Grab Ass.

Top 87 Bad Predictions of the Future. Yeah, rock and roll will be gone by June 1955.

Ringtone Killer is a game where you can shoot cellphones and the folks who use them. The good news is that you never seem to run out of ammo. The bad news is that you never run out of targets. (via Arbroath where I also found the following picture...)



I find this composition delightful on many levels.











SIXTY YEARS

In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So, the reporter went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there was the old man, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm a reporter, and I'd like to ask how long you've been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years," says the old man.

"Sixty years? That's amazing! What do you pray for?" asked the reporter.

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked the journalist.

"Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."

The essay generator. Don’t let my kids see this, or else they will NEVER do any more school papers themselves!

Another free dating site, Google Romance. Everybody wants to get into the act!

Plot your religious beliefs by taking the Belief-O-Matic test. (Thanks, Ed!)

My results (no surprises here):

1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (98%)
3. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (86%)
4. Eastern Orthodox (85%)
5. Roman Catholic (85%)
6. Seventh Day Adventist (85%)
7. Liberal Quakers (76%)
8. Unitarian Universalism (63%)
9. Reform Judaism (63%)
10. Orthodox Judaism (61%)
11. Sikhism (60%)
12. Hinduism (59%)
13. Islam (54%)
14. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (51%)
15. Bahá'í Faith (47%)
16. Neo-Pagan (41%)
17. Theravada Buddhism (35%)
18. Mahayana Buddhism (35%)
19. Jehovah's Witness (34%)
20. New Age (34%)
21. Secular Humanism (34%)
22. Taoism (34%)
23. Scientology (31%)
24. New Thought (31%)
25. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (31%)
26. Jainism (27%)
27. Nontheist (22%)




EDS PHYSICAL (Thanks, Eva!)

Ed Schneider goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, "Ed everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Ed replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Tootie, Ed's wife.

"Tootie," he says, "Ed is doing fine! But I had to call you, because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"

"Oh my God! "Tootie exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"




Tricks of the Trade. Advice from professionals on all kinds of different things. You can submit your professional tricks, also!

The Black-Eyed Peas featuring George Bush in My Slump, a video from Mad TV.

Thought for today: Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are -Kurt Cobain

humor links video funny jokes

April Fool

Beware opening any doors, boxes, or attachments today! If a news story looks a little strange, its possibly not true. Be aware that when you turn a corner, you may see things that aren’t right. Take a small dose of cynicism before you answer the phone. And keep your shoes tied!

April first is a day you have to give a pass on lying. You don’t HAVE to, but people are going to lie to you one way or another today. My kids will tell me the awfulest tales and expect me to fall for it. It really doesn’t matter if I do or if I don’t; they will laugh laugh laugh at themselves and their “cleverness”, whether its funny or not.

The History and Origins of April Fool’s Day.

Where to find this year's April Fools Day hoaxes. If you run across something too odd, check with this list. It will be expanded throughout the day, no doubt. Christopher Walken is going to be busy.

100 greatest April Fools pranks.

The Prank Institute has some April Fool’s Day suggestions.

Wired News posted their list of the Ten Best Internet Spoofs.

One of my favorites from last year, UN votes to Shut Down the Internet.

The Lenovo tapes. Real or April Fool? You decide.

Send your friends a link to this “ultimate personality test”, perfect for April Fools Day!

Blog of the day: Prank-A-Day.

Thing in a jar.

Why you shouldn’t send sabotage links.

“New” April Fools pranks.

Karen’s practical jokes and April Fool’s pranks Volume One.

Karen’s practical jokes and April Fool’s pranks Volume Two.

For the second year in a row, Thad's friends planned a prank to make him think he won the lottery. They taped a previous night's lottery drawing and then bought a lottery ticket to match those winning numbers. They had him buy his own lottery tickets, then they swapped it out with the fake ticket. They played the pre-recorded drawing as Thad checked his numbers. If you ever wanted to know what it feels like to win the lottery, this gives you a pretty good idea... Not safe for work or kids due to audio.



There’s even a tribute song about the episode, We F'in Won. Priceless.

A whole bunch of wonderful pranks from Improv Everywhere.

The first of April, some do say,
Is set apart for All Fool's Day.
But why the people call it so
Nor I nor they themselves do know.
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.

Thought for today: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

P.S. I don’t expect you to believe me, considering the date, but tonight is the night you set your clocks forward one hour to begin Daylight Savings Time. This is not an April Fool. Really. Honestly. Would I lie to you?


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