(via The Zeray Gazette)
Friday, March 02, 2012
At the Dentist Office
A classic from The Carole Burnett Show featuring Tim Conway and Harvey Korman.
PSAT
The reddit headline for this picture said "I thought the 'practice' in Practice SAT meant it wouldn't be distributed to colleges.." Yes, others were quick to point out that PSAT stands for Preliminary SAT. It's too late for this guy, but warn your high school students to get a decent email address before the time comes.
Getting the Film Made
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."
"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..."
"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies."
"But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.
"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.
"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"
"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!"
"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... I've got a girlfriend who sings..."
(Thanks, Del!)
Narwhal Finger Puppet
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Harry Potter's Sex Education Class
It's that dreaded lecture from the PE teacher/coach who isn't really qualified, but he's the best thing the school has. Plus, he lost when they drew straws.
7 Extreme Bugs and Creepy-Crawlies
Miss Cellania's Links
Pickiness: The Secret Eating Disorder Nobody’s Talking About. You're supposed to outgrow that as you age, so adults tend to hide their strange habits.
Pedestrian Revenge is the story of how Freddie Wong got his vehicle back after a carjacking. He surprisingly has no guns, but beware that it's still violent.
Artist Yvette Mattern unveiled her installation Global Rainbow at the North Tyneside coast in England. It's a series of rainbow-colored laser lights that move across the night sky, looking quite awesome.
Steven Spielberg watches the 1976 oscar nominations. It's a bit jarring to think that someone that young, no matter how talented, made the first blockbuster.
30 Cats Hanging Out In Shoes. For no other reason than to show how cute they are.
Why is Wall Street full of psychopaths? Several reasons are given why the financial sector is their natural habitat.
The Economic Debate In Four Charts.
Sloth Treatment
Twin baby sloths suffering from mange. The treatment is to shave them, slather them in lard, and swaddle them in adorable little pajamas. (via Arbroath)
The Prescription
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks ‘Why, is your dick in that much pain?’,
‘No’, says the guy, ‘it’s for my wrists - the girls never showed up!’
(Thanks, Rich!)
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Make Me Forget
A lovely performance by Miss Cellania reader Steve Cloutier, who plays and composes by ear. And he built the guitar, too!
The Chicken Heater
This series of notes from a landlord make me feel much better about writing out a mortgage check each month. I don't even mind the taxes anymore. Because I've lived in some places where the people are almost this weird. See part two and part three also. (via reddit)
Male of Female?
The Los Angeles Zoo has a new exhibit called LAIR (Living Amphibians, Invertebrates and Reptiles). Slash and Betty White appear in a series of ads promoting it. What a perfect combination! There are five ads in all; see them at Adweek. (via The Daily What)
Baby Makes Coffee
It's no wonder that she knows how to make coffee. Since this machine only makes one cup at a time, she probably sees Mommy makes it a lot! (via The Daily What)
Wedding Night Accessories
A knockout young lady decided that she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12-inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - The sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
Miss Cellania's Links
Five Common Misconceptions About the Middle Ages.
Against Big Bird, The Gods Themselves Contend In Vain. Who knew that the Sesame Street Muppet could stamp his foot and change the rules of the Egyptian afterlife? The entire special is available to watch on YouTube, starting with part one. (via Metafilter)
Five Things You Buy That Don’t Actually Work The Way You Think. (via the Presurfer)
Duck Face: The Race For The Cure. The first step is in recognizing the symptoms and the rapid spread of this dreaded disease.
Neighborhood Watch is a new comedy starring Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn, written by Seth Rogan. The premise is killer: "Suburban dads form a neighborhood watch group to get time away from their families, only to discover a plot to destroy Earth."
Flying robotic helicopters called Quadrotors play the James Bond theme. They are not controlled remotely by humans, like toys; rather all the moves are programmed through computers.
Check Out This Awesome Steampunk Nerf Sniper Rifle. Now imagine the confusion it will cause some future civilization when they excavate this in a few million years.
Witness Possibly the Worst Own Goal in Soccer History. It's an ill wind that blows no good.
The Harrowing Lives of Child Miners in the Early 1900s. Little boys fit down in the shafts better than grown men and demanded less money for their labor.
The Bright Lights of Hollywood
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's electric's job.
Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute blonde?
Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Q: How many Cinematographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.
Q: How many Cinematographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
Q: How many Superstar Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One: They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything!
Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.
Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
Q: How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.
Q: How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?
Q: How many over eager Production Assistants does it take to screw in a li...
A: Done!
(Note: When telling this out loud to someone the joke is to wait for them to start asking "How ma...?" then cut 'em off with "Done!"
Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHAT?
Q: How many 1st Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!
Q: How many 2nd Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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