Batter Up!

Get ready for Opening Day of the 2006 baseball season! I grew up and live in a basketball state, so my experience with baseball is somewhat limited. My father wanted me to join the Little League when I was a kid. In those days, it would have been a political statement for a girl to even try out. I wasn’t too interested, and as soon as my brother was old enough for Little League, Dad forgot all about pushing me into it. But baseball seems to be important to a lot of people, so I will play along. Because it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, its how you play the game. Yeah, right!

Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.

Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them. Gee, just like baseball fans.

It's spring training. Time to see if your favorite baseball team has anybody left on it from last year.

Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home?

Of the major sports, baseball has the best fighting. Then comes boxing. Watch
The Top Ten Baseball Fights.



If you’d rather read about baseball fights, there’s plenty there, too

Better just play some baseball yourself. Right there in front of your computer. Try Japanese Baseball.

Small Ball gives you your own team. You train your players and decide what positions they play. Then, when you're ready, you challenge other teams. You are the coach, manager, and owner.

Kenny Asimov’s Three Laws of Robot Baseball.

World’s longest baseball game.

OLD LADIES

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game...

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game isn’t nearly over.

Based on the given information, what inning is it?

Is is easy and right there.

Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!


THE SCOTSMAN

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un laddy! R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un boy, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and said, "Walk with pride, lad."

Why Baseball IS Better Than Sex The Top Ten
Rank	Reason
10.	It is legal to play professionally.
9.	You can count on it at least four times a week.
8.	You have a coach to tell you when to advance.
7.	When you are tired, you always get relieved.
6.	If you strike out once, you always have two more chances for a hit.
5.	Up to four people can score at once.
4.	Pop ups are frequent.
3.	30,000 people cheer when you score.
2.	After seven innings, you get to stretch.
1.	You can get a home run without any foreplay.

The above was pretty obviously written by a testoterone-based lifeform. Can't blame me!

It's true. Baseball is as American as mom, apple pie, and handguns.

Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.

More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf.

It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitment to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.


For real normal baseball information and stats, see the Baseball Almanac and the Major League Baseball Official Site.


Thought for today: No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.


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