Babies

They are cute, they are fun, they are a LOT of work! And they are the source of many amusements for parents, grandparents, other relatives and friends, and some of those who just surf the net. Now that my kids are school age, I can look back on the baby experience and laugh at my own cluelessness. It wasn’t so funny at the time! But I had it easy compared to some. Since I never had a newborn, I only changed diapers for one year total out of two kids.

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a maternity shift and stick a 30 pound sack of potatoes down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the potatoes.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their home office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run amok. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerpots then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas ornament. Last, take a milk jug, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from The Wiggles, Dora the Explorer, and Teletubbies. When you find yourself singing "Backpack" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.


IMPORTANT: Know what NOT to name your baby.

The Evolution Of Mom

Your Clothes
* 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
* 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
* 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
* 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
* 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
* 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
* 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
* 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
* 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
* 1st baby: You cherish your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
* 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
* 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
* 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
* 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
* 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
* 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
* 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
* 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
* 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
* 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
* 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
* 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
* 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
* 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

*When I first read this, I thought about a woman I used to work with. She was the youngest of ten children! She says there are no photos of her childhood at all.


THE DIAPER EXPERIENCE

Diaper Wars.

We’re out of Pampers! (Thanks, Thor!)

Mens guide to changing diapers.

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THE OLDER MOM

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother sternly.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"

"BECAUSE...I forgot where I put him!"

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Misscellania definition
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Thought for today: Before I was married I had six theories about raising children. now I have six children and no theories. -John Wilmot, earl of Rochester

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