Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sweet Child O Mine on Piano
The musician who goes my the handle TalkWithYourFingers learned this without the aid of music notation. He plays by ear! (via Cynical-C)
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Calculators
This shows not only why I don't use calculators, but an accompanying comment at reddit explains why I can't even help my kids with their algebra. (via reddit)
Honestly a couple of years ago, Princess asked for my help to solve some equations. Once I understood the problem, I showed her how I would do it, which involved a shortcut that made her teacher rather angry. Now I teach the kids shortcuts, but explain that they must only use them to check their work. Until they graduate.
Soviet Medicine
A Soviet journalist walked into the hospital and told the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.(Or to the crooks.)
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Domo Tin Lunch Box
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Miss Cellania's Links
I Went to the Pre-Oscar Celebrity Gifting Suites and All I Got Was This Sense of Disgust. I read the entire article only after one of its subjects got all mad about it.
A recipe for ice cubes. Be sure to check the reviews.
How I Found the Human Being Behind Horse_ebooks, The Internet’s Favorite Spambot.
I Was a Warehouse Wage Slave. Welcome to your entry-level, non-union job with no benefits that will only last until your health gives out, or until we find someone who will do it for less money.
The Artistifier is a generator that takes any YouTube video and makes it into a black-and-white silent film with period music. You can add your own titles and captions, too! I made one using my own video, but I think the film generated by the Presurfer is a much better example. (via the Presurfer)
Finland's hot new sport is lawn mower racing -on ice! A race means three hours of trying to stay on the track.
The 26 Happiest Animals In The World. And altogether, they can make you pretty happy, too!
How far can you throw a paper airplane, inside, without any wind help? Former quarterback Joe Ayob sent one over 226 feet, a new world record.
What Your Desk Toys Say About You. I don't have toys on my desk, because the cats would just eat them.
Should business students pay more tuition than philosophy majors? Sure, a business degree is worth more in the long run, but some students will only be able to afford philosophy.
Boobicons
It's amazing what you can convey with a few typestrokes.(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart's Breasts
And of course,
(oYo) Wonderbra breasts.
See even more rude emoticons.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I Wish I Could Still Drop Acid
By The Easter Brothers. Actually, this is the reader who goes by the name Blorno and his brother. See more of his videos at YouTube. Pretty neat! (Thanks, Blorno!)
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10 Artists Who Work in Trees
John F. Kennedy on Religion and Politics
The future president spoke on September 12, 1960 on the separation of church and state -to a gathering of ministers! Yes, at the time, voters were wary of electing a Catholic to the presidency. To this day, Kennedy is the only Catholic to be elected president. We've come a long way since then -candidate Rick Santorum said this speech made him want to throw up. (via Metafilter)
Romance Novel Yourself
Create a romance novel cover with your picture on it with Romance Novel Yourself. Check out the presentation of my book. Or make your own from one of several different covers! (via the Generator Blog)See also: Romance Novels
Miss Cellania's Links
On the way to the Academy Awards show, Moby had to stop and pick up a copy of mental_floss magazine.
How should the Star Wars films be presented to young people who didn't grow up seeing them in theaters? Try showing them in Machete Order for the greatest viewing pleasure. (via Metafilter)
A bouncy tune about double murder opens the Batman musical. Yes, Holy Musical, Batman! will run live onstage in Chicago, then come to YouTube this spring.
The third-party candidate for a Virginia Senate seat has never voted in an election. Hank is also young, inexperienced, and doesn't like to wear clothes -because he's a cat.
This Is How Bike Paths Are Born. The Netherlands took deliberate steps to slow down, get fit, use less gasoline, and save lives.
Historic Photographs Of "White" Slaves. After the Civil War, four mixed race children were photographed over and over to raise funds for a school to benefit former slaves.
5 Online Mistakes that Caused a Market Frenzy. Proofreading is oh-so important when people's money is at stake!
What Bible Is Santorum Reading?
9 Ways Geeks Have Inherited the Earth.
The Racist Tree. A children's story.
Diary Of My Failed Antarctic Expedition.
Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
(via It Occurred to Me)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Angelina Jolie's Right Leg
So much coverage led to the inevitable “legbombing” challenge.
The winner of such Photoshoppery has to be this one posted at reddit.
Then before you know it, that leg had its own Twitter feed, Angelina Jolie’s Leg. It already has over
See more of the leg at Buzzfeed.
Movie: The Movie
That's it. We won't need to ever see another movie again after this. It's got everything! And everyone!
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The Truck
As a Pennsylvania trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of ! her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
(Thanks, Eva!)
The First Appearance of Cookie Monster
The Muppet that became Cookie Monster was created in 1966, when he was introduced as the Wheel Stealer in this unaired demo ad. Not long afterward, he lost all his teeth -except for his sweet tooth! If the company had aired this spot, the products may have survived longer. (via Everlasting Blort)
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Miss Cellania's Links
Even more interesting, the annual Razzie Awards were bestowed on the worst films of 2011. The film that won the night was so bad, it got 12 nominations in ten categories.
Harvey Weinstein made the documentary Bully in hopes that it would be used as an educational tool in schools. So of course the MPAA gave it an R rating.
Trying to legally buy a TV show.
How the Biblical view of abortion has changed over the last 30 years. (via Metafilter)
Fanfare is a simple but cute online toy in which you can turn each instrument on and off with just a click. (via the Presurfer)
Everybody panic!
The 5 Weirdest Reasons We Have Sex (According to Science).
What will happen if the state takes control of human reproduction? The world of science fiction can give us some frightening scenarios. (via Boing Boing)
Teller Reveals His Secrets. Magicians use their knowledge of perception, attention, and human nature to create illusions, but that doesn't ruin the magic.
Siberia's Altai Mountains are beautiful and wild and hard to live in. So instead, you can look at some fascinating photos.
Gatonovela
A soap opera starring cats! In this episode, a Mexican drug cartel throws its weight around. (via Buzzfeed)
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How to Avoid the Flu
1. Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.2. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
3. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
4. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
5. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
6. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
7. Get plenty of rest.
8. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So, I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!
We Will Rock You on the Pipes
The Badpiper performed at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh last year. No flames in this particular video, but he's got the crowd rockin'! (via Neatorama)
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Landscape with Duck
For some reason, this duck doesn't fly, but he still has to migrate with his flock. This hand-drawn cartoon by Patrick Neary has a classic retro feel to it. (via the Presurfer)
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English, a Most Curious Language
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it,
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
Why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Where did this strange language come from and why do we speak it?
'Cause we don't know another, I guess...
Fort Steuben Bridge Demolition
The Fort Steuben Bridge connecting Ohio and West Virginia was decommissioned in just seconds on Tuesday. They did not skimp on the explosives! Luckily, its final performance was caught on high-speed video so we can see it go out in a blaze of glory. (via BroBible)
The Toddler Diet
Day One
* Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
* Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
* Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
* Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Day Two
* Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
* Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).One ice cube, if desired.
* Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
* Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Day Three
* Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
* Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up
* Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Final Day
* Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
* Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
* Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Start over wih day one.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Would You Do This?
The Nordic insurance company Tryg aired this ad with the tagline "When you have peace of mind, you can give peace of mind to others".
In case you are wondering about the dog used in this ad, his name is Matisse, and there's a video about him just ahead. In English.
I'm Glad You're Here!
Yeah, the site was down most of the day while I redirected my domain. It's still not exactly the way I want it, but I reckon you get what you pay for. And I'm not paying nearly as much now. The thing about domains is that every source uses different language to tell you what to do, so you end up guessing a lot. Then they warn you that any changes may take a couple of hours, so you have to wait to find out that the latest thing you tried did not work before you can try something else. Sigh.
Meanwhile, I wasted some time trying out a free Wordpress blog, which I was supposed to b able to import files to. In fact, Wordpress told me my files imported just fine, but they are nowhere to be found. They certainly didn't publish or even get drafted.
Things will settle down here sooner or later, but please bear with me while I make changes and updates. Hey, if you ever have trouble finding this site again, you can check my Facebook page and I will try to post updates and news there.
Hotness
A magazine ad from Levi's says, "Hotness comes in all shapes and sizes." The illustration makes that very clear. These women come in, uh, well, they seem to be all the same model size, but if you look really, really close, you can see they are very slightly different in shape ...or who are they kidding? They are all model-shaped.
Bastard the Cat
I've had a few cats like this. In fact, most cats share at least some of Bastard the Cat's attributes. (via reddit)
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The Birds and the Bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
(Thanks, April!)
Snoring Hummingbird
Well, how did you expect a snoring hummingbird to sound? This female Amethyst-throated Sunangel (Heliangelus amethysticollis) at a research facility in Peru is sleeping inside a device that measures its oxygen use. The machine is probably not really all that loud, but the sound was cranked up so we could hear the snoring. (via The Daily What)
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Three Wives
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Pun Hunting at the Grocery Store
Jeff Wysaski of Pleated-Jeans went to the grocery store to shop for puns. He found plenty, although the quality of the wares varies widely. Buyer beware!
Puffer Fish Chasing a Laser
It's always fun to watch your cat chase a light from a laser pointer, but if you don't have a cat, fish will do it, too! (via Arbroath)
Life is Weird. Also beautiful.
Something came along that makes me think that sticking with mental_floss so long might not be a bad idea after all. Two former mental_floss writers have books at the top of the NYT Bestseller list. And they are friends. John Green made this video about it. Read more here.
The News Out of Context
Cassetteboy shows how easy it is to get recorded people to say anything you want them to say, with a little deft editing. (via The Daily What)
Friday Fun Links
6 Movies That Inadvertently Remade Other Movies.
Allie Brosh's "Clean All the Things" comic panel took on a life of its own as a meme. Now artist Sam Spratt has made a terrifyingly hyperrealistic version, and shows us how he did it.
On the Implausibility of the Death Star's Trash Compactor. Real space stations recycle, and would never bother powering two moving walls. (Thanks, Bicycle Bill!)
William Hughes snowboards down the French Alps at night wearing a suit covered with light-emitting diodes designed by John Spatcher. (via Metafilter)
Brave is Pixar’s first movie featuring a strong female heroine. And she’s a crack shot, as you’ll see in the new trailer.
Theo Gray, co-founder of Wolfram, talks about how his Periodic Table Table came about. Most of the elements are represented physically in the table table.
Just Some Meerkats Discussing Tom Cruise Movies. They’ve been known to be vicious critics.
The Flasher
Three older ladies named Rose, Gertrude and Mildred were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the parking lot. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Rose immediately had a stroke. Then Gertrude also had a stroke.
But Mildred, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
(via It Occurred to Me)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Hors Cycles
Um, don't try this at home, even if you happen to have a bicycle, trampoline, and unicycle. (via Metafilter)
He Hates the Broccoli!
Even a 7-week-old Pomeranian puppy can tell that dropped piece of broccoli is up to no good! (via Bits and Pieces)
Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to f*@k off.
(Thanks, Duke!)
Challenge Accepted: 8 Inspiring Stories
Sisyphus Gets a Snowthrower
In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was compelled to roll a boulder up a hill and watch it roll back down, so he could start his task all over again. The YouTube description (in Polish) says this guy kept it up for an hour and a half. You have to wonder if anyone ever explained to him that you could aim the snow out to the side. (via TYWKIWDBI)
