Doctor

It was my first visit to the doctor’s office (for myself) in several years. I never did see the doctor, but I got all the neccessary tests, scheduled a mammogram, and picked up the prescription I wanted (a stop-smoking aid) with no trouble. Well, I did have to listen to a lecture about waiting so long to get a checkup. After you burn off your sick days, personal days, and vacation days in order to take your spouse and your kids to the doctor, the dentist, the optometrist, the orthodontist, the cardiologist, the pediatrician, and the allergist... it really isn’t easy to squeeze in a non-emergency checkup for yourself. So I needed to get all the good out of this last visit as possible.

And I forgot to ask for Retin-A. Figures.

But I was inspired to construct a post about doctors and medical stuff. Hope you enjoy it!

Medical students have opportunities for pranks far beyond what other people could pull off.

What do people die of? The answers are in the Death Counter.

If Dr. Suess wrote for ER.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery (Thanks, Liz!)

• "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
• "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
• "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
• "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
• "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
• "Oops!"
• Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
• "Damn, there go the lights again...."
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
• "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!

NASTY VIRUS (lifted from Wulfweard)

A man returned from Africa feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a range of tests.

The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed was ringing.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."



LISTEN, DOCTOR!

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been
going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really
need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like
this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle,"
the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, just 5 bucks. PLEASE, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about
it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

***********

Thought for today: An apple a day keeps the doctor away (like he was ever going to come to you). So if you’re looking to hook up with a doctor, STAY AWAY from the apples!

P.S. Almost three weeks and I still haven't even bummed a puff of a cigarette. Those closest to me are amazed, because they've seen me try and fail before. This is different. I still want one all the time, but I'm under control.

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