Tuesday, January 31, 2006

January's Best Links


Time to straighten up the attic! Once a month, I gather the best links and put them in one post. "Best" is a subjective word, for this purpose meaning links that either got a lot of response or else I just want them here so I can find them again easily. That's about an exercise in futility at this point; I can't even access my own archives! So you can imagine this post was NOT easy to put together. Up til now, I put the "best of" on the first of the month. But after an attack of common sense, I've decided it will be posted the last day of each month. The way archives are laid out, the "best of" post will now be on top, and that's a good place to put an index.
at 4 comments:

Monday, January 30, 2006

Valentine's Day


Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays when I’m glad I have kids, because teachers make sure they have handmade Valentine cards for their Moms. They also bring candy home from school! I’m bracing myself for the usual parade of flowers delivered to my workplace for everyone but me. We have a newlywed on staff, one woman who’s newly engaged, one who gets flowers from her husband about once a month anyway, and several others who expect flowers. Its an overload of love and gooiness that fortunately provides me with OPC (other people’s chocolate). I just laugh it off, ‘cause that what’s I do. I took the iVillage test to see how bad Valentine’s Day is going to be this year, and got this result:

Cupid Who?
Okay, you win. Valentine's Day is a waste of your time. How are sickly-sweet greeting cards and the widespread worship of a little naked dude related to love? They're not, of course. You figured that out a long time ago. But consider this, Sugar Scrooge: While you're deriding the whole affair, you're missing out on some good candy, or at least the opportunity to rent a tear-jerking romantic movie while nobody's looking. You can't beat 'em, but you don't want to join 'em either -- so what's left for you to do? In the tradition of all great underdogs, my friend, you should stay home with a great book and treat yourself to a long bath.

I disagree about the chocolate; I’m a pretty resourceful mooch.

Only 15 days days left. If you want to make a real impression on your sweetheart, better start planning now. There is nothing so lame as a Valentine ecard sent the evening of the 14th, after someone at work reminded you of Valentine’s Day. And if she told you NOT to get her anything, read The Truth about Valentine’s Day.

FOR THOSE IN LOVE

List of places you can find traditional Valentine gifts online.

Ten reasons why diamonds are NOT a girl’s best friend.

You may send virtual chocolate, but you better follow it up with the real thing!

You might be one of those who want to express your love, but have a hard time finding the words. Help is here! Harvey at Bad Example has saved the love notes he posted to his wife over a year’s time. The collection is available for $5 online, as well as a dirty version, and now one suitable for a woman sending love notes to a man.

How about personal CD recording paired with underwear?

Live out your fantasies with a night at the Anniversary Inn.


Have a personalized romance novel written. The last day to order for Valentine's Day is February 12th, which gives you an idea how quickly these are put together. You can even design your own romance novel cover! These can be made into refrigerator magnets. Here are a couple of samples I threw together in a hurry.






Super personal romantic gift ideas from Men.com Magazine.

What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

FOR THOSE NOT IN LOVE

BitterSweets. The Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us.

Valentines you can send to your ex.

These are even worse!

These Valentine’s Day disaster stories might make you feel better, or at least make you laugh.

FOR LAUGHS

The All For Love Baretender Calendar features 17 Denver bartenders and barmaids who have shed their clothes all for love. Just $5.00. Proceeds help a family adopt two children from Ethiopia. (Thanks, Nick!)

Anatomical heart-shaped soap. This would probably make a totally cool gift for a geek or a medical type.

Get a virtual tattoo and send it to someone!

Humorous Valentine ecards.

TOP TEN REASONS MEN DON’T SAY “I LOVE YOU”

1. They don't mean it.
2. They want to get laid, but not *that* bad.
3. Their fathers didn't say it to their mothers.
4. It has become a throw-away phrase.
5. They don't want to be trapped in some long-term thing.
6. They've said it before and found out they were wrong.
7. They think it is much cooler to say it to other men, like Sammy and Frank.
8. It will lead to "I'll marry you".
9. It has become a throw-away phrase.
10. If they say it, their penises will fall off.

TOP TEN REASONS WOMEN WANT MEN TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”

1. They like the words.
2. Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important.
3. They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it.
4. It makes them feel all tingly to hear it.
5. Commitment/Power evil grin
6. He ain’t gettin ANY unless he does.
7. It makes up for what a jerk he is the rest of the time.
8. It makes sex better.
9. The woman can say it back without risking rejection.
10. The woman wants to see his penis fall off.

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the MOST romantic first line but LEAST romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your mother

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty
And so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Wine her, dine her, call her, hug her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, laugh with her, cry with her, cuddle with her, shop with her, give her jewelry, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, bring beer.

Thought for today: We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

at 6 comments:

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Redneck Photo Album






Redneck swimming pool













Redneck jacuzzi













Redneck skiing











Redneck hottub












Redneck space shuttle















Redneck lock











Redneck cop














Redneck cupholder














Redneck Special Forces











Redneck birddogs









Redneck gingerbread house








Redneck air conditioning













Redneck Palm Pilot















Redneck baby













Redneck bass boat













Redneck houseboat








Redneck music video. This one's amazing. (Thanks, Joe!)

Redneck truck surfing video. Don't try this at home, or you might be a redneck.

Redneck toy: Lee Roy the Booger Picker.

Redneck roller coaster video.

Classic redneck jokes.








Thought for today: If you take pictures around the neighborhood and post them to the internet for a joke, you just might be a redneck.

at 9 comments:

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Olympics


The Winter Olympics are upon us again, opening February 10th in Torino (Turin), Italy. You can get all kinds of Olympic information at the Winter Olympics Blog. Why are the Winter Games so popular? Its basically two weeks of skiing, skating, sledding, and shivering. The nature of ice and snow gives us a clue: we are all watching intently, waiting for someone to slip and fall.

Those who remember the opening sequence to ABC’s Wide World of Sports will remember Vinko Bogataj’s wipeout on the ski jump more than any other clip. It made “the agony of defeat” a catchword that lives on long after the show ended. Its the banana peel effect.

This cartoon illustrates how we just love it when things go wrong.

Dave Barry on Winter Sports Without Fear.

There always gonna be humor when you have athletes with names like Picabo.

Take your mouse hand down the fast track in this Luge Game.

Failed ski jump video.

Skiing ostrich.

Ski jumping cow.

Ice skating monkey.

Curling. A cross between shuffleboard and, uh, slipping on ice. The last time someone asked me what my favorite sport was, I answered "curling". Thought it was cute.

In Dubai (its in the Middle east), snow skiing is done indoors. Doesn't THAT sound expensive! Sure. Remember, its a sultanate.

There are so many figure skating bloopers in this full-length music video Slide that I ached all over after watching it. This is the best illustration of why we watch the Winter Olympics.


Whatever happened to the Jamaican Bobsled Team?

Panorama photo entitled Snowboarding at the Winter Games in Aspen.

Panorama photo entitled Can’t Ski All the Time.

A collection of figure skating jokes.

To cut costs, there have been some experiments in combining winter sports with summer sports. So far, all these experimental sports have been dismal failures. See for yourself.
(click to enlarge)
























Olympic Winter Games Drinking Game

First, lay in a stock of your favorite beverage.

Then, turn on NBC and observe the following rules:

1. Take one drink every time a NBC announcer invites you to "share a moment with the world."
2. Take one drink every time snowboarding highlights are backed up by rock-and-roll guitar/heavy metal headbanger music.
3. Take one drink every time a female athlete is described as "America's _____ing sweetheart." Take an extra drink if the athlete in question is "American's curling sweetheart."
4. Clap your hands and take one drink every time reference is made to "the revolutionary new clap skate" being used in speed skating.
5. Take one drink every time figure skating commentator Scott Hamilton shouts that a skater "NAILED!!" a jump.
6. Take one drink every time you hear a hockey announcer shout, "He shoots...he scores!" Take two drinks if you're watching women's hockey and you hear, "She shoots...she scores!"
7. Take one drink every time NBC promises to get "up close and personal" with an athlete.
8. Take one drink every time a skater is presented with a bouquet of flowers.
9. Take one drink every time America's quest for its first medal in luge is mentioned. Take an extra drink if America actually happens to win a medal in luge.
10. Take one drink and sigh, "That's good, mon" every time reference is made to the Jamaican bobsled team.
11. Take one drink every time the REAL Olympic theme is heard.




A message for all the athletes from me!

Thought for today: Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.

at 1 comment:

Friday, January 27, 2006

Death



That crazy woman will post about anything, won't she? Here's a subject too many people want to avoid. We're all gonna face death sooner or later, often someone else's before our own. You can't stop it, all you can do is live your life in a manner that will leave you with few regrets at the end. Then again, you can argue that laughing at a serious subject IS avoidance. So be it. I'm here to prove you can laugh at (almost) anything if you look hard enough. YES YES, we LAUGH in the face of death! HA HA HA HA!

Excuse me. I just got a little carried away there. Where was I? Oh, death.

I saw this article entitled The Odds of Dying, and thought, “I know this one! 100%”. But it talks about HOW you might die.

Cartoon: The Grim Reaper Show. Not for the squeamish. Don’t let kids see it.

Interactive Autopsy. I didn’t try this, I’ve got my limits.


The Grim Reaper will guess your age here. I love this site! Look at what age it guessed me! I have a sneaking suspicion the database may be pandering.

Calculate how long you have left with The Death Clock.

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement does not have a death wish for themselves, just for the Human Race.

Lots more art, info, and links at Death Central.



















THE TRIAL

In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer
says as he looks at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally, the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns, and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The representative answers, "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't.





















TWO WOMEN

Two women were new arrivals at the pearly gates and were comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible.

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

THE LAST PHOTO HE EVER TOOK
























































































































Thought for today: Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live. -Henry Van Dyke

at 4 comments: