Holiday Shopping Guide

Let the Christmas shopping season begin! I enjoy Christmas shopping, now that I do it from the comfort of my bedroom. And the variety is so much better. ANYTHING beats a gift from WalMart. After driving the competition out of small towns, Walmart reduces our gifts choices to whatever they can get in bulk to cater to the lowest common denominator. Meanwhile, those Mom and Pop stores can’t compete, so they’ve moved to the ‘net, where the overhead is much lower. I suppose its not really Mom and Pop running online stores, but their sons and daughters.

The bottom line is, if you want something meaningful, unusual, or just NOT Walmart, you can find it online somewhere. And you will be supporting small businesses vs. the Big Box. Here are some suggestions to either get you started, or just give you a laugh.

First, be informed. Here are the ten most dangerous toys this year. More detailed info here.

If you’ve ever felt really disgusted at the prices of gifts in “luxury” catalogs, read about this phone prank on FAO Shwarz. And this one, too.


The LA Coroner’s Office has a little-known gift shop. There is an actual store at the morge, but its not labeled as such. Lucky for us, you can buy online!

Magnetic ribbons for the back of your car, can be custom-designed.

You can have a romance novel written with yourself as the main character, and your husbnad/wife/lover/stalking target as the love interest. The perfect gift for that someone special in your life.

L33t Speak replacement tiles for your Scrabble game. May give you an edge over the competition. Especially if they can't read them!

Earth dog tags, in case you are abducted by aliens. They will help you find your way home. Accessorizes nicely with the tinfoil helmet.

Celebriducks: rubber duckies that display more personality than that one you’ve been using.

Awesome pizza fork and cutter.

Dog thong, for the dog who farts.

The creepiest doll I’ve seen in a while.

Blank keyboard for super geeks. W00t!

A gift for someone you don't like. The Talking Deer Head. He sings, too. Check out the video at the site.

The Mind Molester beeping thing, for the geek practical joker.

Lighted houseslippers (why didn’t I think of that?)

Caution sign, cat vomit.

For your teenage daughter: Iron Hymen thong.

Parents no longer need to childproof the home, because now we have babycages!

Sonic hand grenade alarm, heavy sleepers beware! And DON'T try to take it on an airplane!

Cover up what you are REALLY reading, and freak out nosy strangers with titles like “How to Murder a Complete Stranger and Get away With It” and “Make your Mother a Porn Star” with these fake bookcovers.

Buy your loved one a membership in the Bacon of the Month Club.

Chocolate voodoo doll: talk about “sweet revenge”! No other gift says "Bite Me" like this one.

Aquarium toilet. Leftover from the Toilet Humor post.

Airline seats for your house, only $1500. At least they are first-clas!

The mighty rabbit of Caerbannog. For Monthy Python fans.



Holiday Darth Vader. Gotta have one!

Princess Leia’s Slave Bikini. Only $375!

Pee and Poo products.

Testicles jewelry. Are these little trophies, or what?

Testicle separator. Why? Beats me!

Your wrapping paper should reflect your personality. Here’s some geek wrapping paper.

And dont forget the bubble wrap!



If you run across any bizarre gift ideas, send them to me. Maybe I'll post Holiday Gift Guide Volume Two if I can come up with enough stuff to fill your stockings!

DAVE BARRY ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Gifts for Children

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.

Gifts for Men

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.


Buying gifts for men may be easy, but for men to BUY gifts, you may need the Christmas shopping guide for men.

Thought for today: I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

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