Sunday, August 06, 2017

You Know You Have Reached Old Age If...

1. You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

2. A gardener cuts your grass even though you have a brand-new lawn mower in the garage.

3. Now that you can afford front-row seat at a rock concert you can't imagine why anyone would want to be there.

4. Your baby pictures are in black and white.

5. Your prescriptions refill number is programmed into your "speed dial."

6. You have Christmas cards in the mail by December 1st.

7. You've stopped worrying about hair loss and started worrying about memory loss.

8. You own more electrical appliances than there are outlets in your home.

9. You've named your eyeglasses by the activity they permit you to do.

10. Some of your mortgage payment actually goes against the principal.

11. The expression "Feel the burn" has more to do with your stomach and less to do with your muscles.

12. You have more frequent-flier mileage than mileage on your car.

13. You vividly remember the day the price of gas went over one dollar a gallon.

14. You've stopped worrying about the size of your penis and started worrying about the size of your prostate.

15. You're looking for a new home with the master bedroom on the first floor.

16. The waitress at Denny's points out the "senior specials" in the big print on the back of the menu.

17. Your tattoos have folds.

18. You have trouble falling asleep at night in a dark room and a comfortable bed, but can easily nod off any afternoon while driving seventy miles an hour on the freeway.

19. Your spouse and kids complain that you're "tuning them out," but a dog barking three blocks away keeps you up all night.

20. You dial the phone and then can't remember who you called.

21. The fear of "turning into your parents" has been replaced by the fear of "turning into your grandparents."

22. You no longer have all of your original teeth, but you take comfort in the fact that you still have both of your original hips.

23. When you see a mother and her teenage daughter, you fantasize about the mother.

24. You remember having to get up and walk across the room to change channels on a television set.

25. Your computer has more memory than you do.

26. You'd stop and take time to smell the flowers, except you can no longer bend over that far without throwing out your back.

27. You're overjoyed to learn that sex uses up as many calories as jogging six miles.

28. You need a weed whacker to trim the hair growing from your nose, ears, and eyebrows.

30. You'd rather buy control-top panty hose than go to the gym.

31. You've received letters from cemeteries inviting you to purchase a burial plot and you've actually considered it.

33. When the flight attendant makes the pre-boarding announcement for folks that need a little extra time getting down the jetway, you consider it.

34. There's a tube of Ben-Gay in your medicine cabinet.

35. You've told someone, "I haven't seen him/her in twenty years."

36. You have to unbutton your pants after a meal and take them off completely after a big meal.

37. You'd like to live long enough to break even on your Social Security taxes.

38. You drive to an out-of-town pharmacy where nobody knows you to pick up your monthly prescription of Viagra.

39. The only illegal herbs you're interested in smuggling into this country are Cuban cigars.

40. There are parts of your body that you can no longer see without using multiple mirrors.

41. As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

42. You are secretly disappointed that we are still waiting for the advent of moving sidewalks, 3-D television, and flying cars.

43. The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car in the "ten items or less" lane.

44. The group picture from your high school reunion could be the "before" picture for the Hair Club for Men.

45. You've mixed up the names of your children with the dog's.

46. One cabinet in the kitchen is devoted entirely to bottles of vitamins.

47. You use marijuana for medicinal reasons.

48. You've come to the realization that whoever said "You're not getting older, you're getting better" was not under oath.

I ran across this joke I posted over ten years ago. It's only funny if you can relate to these things. And then it's not funny.

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