Sunday, April 30, 2006

April's Best Links

The month of April started out foolishly, like it always does, and ended with a bang, as I am out of town today on a much-needed outing. I may even tell you the story someday, but not now. The most popular posts in the month of April were Underwear and Does My Butt Look Big in This? so I know where YOUR minds are. Since I aim to please, you may see more of that sort of thing. I also got a lot of response about the Mr Right post, from the guys I cited (I have met a LOT of guys in through the Blogosphere!) and the guys I didn't cite (sorry). This month I also became a Star Trek character, thank you Captain Picard. The Presurfer and Neatorama both gave me some ego strokes worth noting. And I found out Arbroath is a guy! I case you missed some of the posts, or joined us here late, here are the most popular links for the month of April. Plus some that I just plain wanted to keep where I can find them easily. I do this at the end of each month, so when you open one of the monthly archives (at least the later ones), you'll see a "best of" post first.

Tamara at Sock Monkey Fun will set you up with a custom-made monkey!
Personalized Propaganda Posters.
Amazing urinal design called The Pee Tree.

'What is the best type of sex for you?'
What Classic Movie Are You?
The quiz that really makes sense.
The Urinal Game.
The Underwear Oracle
The Idiot Test.
Belief-O-Matic test.

Shoot the Easter Bunnies in Bunny Hunt.
A game where you have to find a particular person in a crowd.
From Space with Love.
A little game of Grab Ass.
The Phone.
Fat Man.

The Wedgie Song.
How NOT to get a bear out of a tree!
I’m the Decider.
The Guantanamo Bay Song
The Picard Song
Smoking can seriously damage your health.
Top Ten Classic Viral Videos.
N is for Nookie.

The disappearing rabbit.
How to make a bunny lay Easter eggs.
The perfect man.
History Timeline based on the movies.
Brian’s Drive-In Theatre.
The ultimate list of case mods.
Useless Advice from Useless Men
The Homosexual Agenda.
100 greatest April Fools pranks.
The Peeps Diorama Competition
Sports Dignity
Darth and Elmo.
Ugly baby contest.

< Thanks to all of you for this!


Joel tells about how to be a real man.
A brief essay on love.

Alien Invasion

April Fool
Crop Circles
Does My Butt Look Big in This?
Easter Eggs
Generation X
He's Alive!
Income Tax
Intro to the Muppets
Just Desserts
Monkeys and Apes
More Toilet Humor
Mr Right
Muppet Wars
Odd Cooking
Old Movies
Star Trek: The Next Post
Time Travel

The number one most popular photo in April. So I'm posting a somewhat larger version.

Thought for today: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


Please come see my new site at this link!
Miss Cellania has a new home! Please come see the NEW site, also called Miss Cellania.


My Dad had a surefire way to avoid mowing the lawn. He’d get up real early in the morning on his days off and go fishing. You have to get up real early, you know, because the fish bite early in the morning. That doesn’t mean that he’ll be home in the afternoon, oh no, because the fish bite then, also. And in the evening. By the time he got home, darn it, it would be too dark to mow. but not too dark to clean fish and act like a breadwinner. We ate lots of fish when I was a little kid, with millions and millions of little bones in it. It didn’t seem quite worth it to me, especially when I saw how dad cleaned those fish. And he’d take us kids with him whenever he got the chance, meaning, when we would get up early. I enjoyed fishing, as long as Dad would bait the hook, help me reel it in, and unhook the fish. I was really talented at standing on the bank holding a pole.

Check out this flying fish video! Its a pretty good day when they just jump in the boat.

Video: A fisherman gets pulled into the water by a huge fish.

Why you won’t find me ice fishing.

Record bass caught and released on a technicality. (via Neatorama)

Here’s a fishing game that’s so easy, even I could do it!

The ultimate fishing movie: Jaws.


David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.

On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.


One man's hobby was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.

The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn't even turn around.

"What terrible weather today, Honey," he said to her.

"Yes, she answered. "And my idiot husband went fishing."

Why Fishing is Better than Sex (Thanks, Joe!)

- When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

- Fish don't compare you to other fisherman, and neither do they want to know how many other fish you caught.

- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

- You can catch and release a fish, and you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after
you let it go.

- You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

- You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman, you're talking
dinner and a movie minimum.

- Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

* I fish, therefore I lie.

Thought for today: "Many men go fishing their entire lives without knowing it is not fish they are after." -Henry David Thoreau

Friday, April 28, 2006

Get To Work!

Note: I am going out of town for the weekend. I may or may not be able to post from my alternate location. If not, there will be new content here Tuesday.


A mathematician, an economist and an accountant apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist says "On average, four -- give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

The title art for this post is named Wage Slave, by Michael Dashow. You can purchase merchandise with this image here.

The Corporate Guide to Kissing Ass.

Unintentionally humorous excerpts from job applications, resumes, and cover letters.

The Payday Song.

If you hear your company talk about hiring a consultant, send them to this website. They’ve done consulting for businesses like AndyCo.

Cubicles: The Great Mistake.


Mr. Snider was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Snider stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Snider stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.

Snider swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket and left.

Snider snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Snider was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Snider said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

Office Glossary (Thanks, Thersa!)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, airports, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.(Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Office

Thought for today: The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Fly Me!

I’m not afraid of flying, I just don't much like it. It just seems like a monumental hassle, and not too comfortable either (at least in coach). You have to book tickets way ahead of time, and shop around a lot just to get a decent fare. Then you have to get there way too early, undergo weird security checks, and pay $6 for a lousy cup of coffee. They squeeze you into a space built for the size Americans were 35 years ago (on a plane thats at least that old). Once upon a time, you’d get a horrible meal served, with alcohol to make it seem better. Now, you are lucky to get peanuts and a soda pop. But I don’t drink the soda if its a short flight, because I’ve been on too many flights with inadequate water for the bathrooms. But I can handle it. After that one 16-hour nonstop in coach with a 300 pound companion, I can handle anything!

Read all about airline meals at Airline Meals.You can even look up what’s going to be served on your flight!

Airtoons, actual airline safety messages with new and funnier captions.

Watch an Airbus being built in about seven minutes. Awesome video.

Story of the Flight from Hell.

Collection of over 400 stewardess uniforms.

Airport is a cartoon of an airplane trip using infographics. This is clever!

HAMBURG (Thanks, Mike!)

A veteran British Airways captain had just flown into Hamburg airport after its major overhaul in the 1970's. The new taxiway arrangements were a bit unfamiliar to him, as he carefully navigated his way to the terminal.

An officious, impatient traffic controller upbraided him over the radio: "I thought all British Airways pilots were expert on the world's airports."

"I'm sorry," the captain replied. "It's just that the last time I was here was at night, in 1943."


After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Miss C here. I have seen this going around referring to different airplines, even the Air Force, so I would take the Qantas part with a grain of sand. But its still funny!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Hostile Skies
is a WWII dogfight game. I don’t normally go for shoot-em-ups, but this was fun, easy to figure out and completely mouse-controlled.

All the information you could think of about airlines and more can be found at The Airchive.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Previously on Miss Cellania: The Friendly Skies

Thought for today: Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Generation X

April sent me an email thing that was supposed to make you fee all nostalgic for children’s toys and other fads of the 70s and 80s. I couldn’t relate at all, because I was an adult in that time period. She managed to make me feel quite ancient, again.

She was listening to some CDs the other day, and that old familar riff came on, “Under Pressure” by Davd Bowie and Queen. But it was “Ice Ice Baby” and we remarked about how OLD the song was. (chorus: how old was it?) April tried to remember which GRADE she was in when the song was hot. I tried to remember who I was married to. We finally looked it up... 1990. Vanillla Ice’s song is 16 years old. It could get a driver’s liscence. And I think I will go take another dose of Geritol. And put a blanket over my legs.

Things other people did when they were your age. In case you needed another reason to be depressed. (Thanks, Del!)

The Institute of Official Cheer will remind you of some of the not-so-wonderful things from the past.

25 signs you have grown up.


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways ..
yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen & pencil! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just Download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! ! ;We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders"and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that Stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

The 30 Something crowd!


OK, here is the list April sent that started all this...

YOU WERE A GIRL IN THE 70S (and 80's) IF...

You wore a rainbow shirt that had half-sleeves; the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You begged Santa for the electronic game Simon.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.

You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.

You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.

You thought Gopher from the Love Boat was cute! (Admit it!)

You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.

You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes thought you were a boy.

Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.

You could spend hours playing Pong!

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits.

You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
(The swing set tipped over at least once!)

You were really into ping pong and pogo sticks.

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.

Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.

You had to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink!

You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry,Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.

You carried a lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard, was your boyfriend.

Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.

YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!

You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole &the buckle).

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!

It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz"
would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Andy Gibb?"

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record albums.

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts,like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.

You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.

You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.

You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing. And the posters always had permanent creases because they came folded!

You learned everything you needed to know about "the facts of life" from Judy Blume books.

You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink.

You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.

This reminds me of when I was flirting with this one really hot geek from Generation X, and he was telling me about how Star Wars was an important part of his childhood. He had all the toys, and even role-played with his school friends. He asked me to recall the first time I saw Star Wars. I told him I didn't remember much about the first time, but I saw it again a few days later when I was sober, and liked it better. I decided he was altogether too young for me.

(sigh) When Gen-X starts to wax nostalgic, its time for us Baby Boomers to pull up a rocking chair. Here’s some link for us older folks.

Remember the 1950s.



I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.

If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 PM.

My grandson asked me if I still look at young women - I said yes, but I can't remember why.

Thought for today: By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Mr. Right

Once again, my favorite subject... men. I’ve been single for 20 months now. Thats a record in my adult lifetime. I don’t mean a record for being dateless (which it is), or a record for not having a significant other or boyfriend (which it is), I’m saying its a record length of time for me being unmarried. Not that I’m dying to get married again, but it would be nice to think I could still draw a date every now and then. Still, I would prefer Mr. Right to Mr. Right Now. That is, if I had a choice! There is such a shortage of unmarried men in my age group who are not addicts or incarcerated. Ladies, you know that. The guys know it, too, so they can hold out for a twenty-something Playboy bunny.. or more likely, they THINK they can! The upside of being a loser in the dating department is that it gives me a TON of blogfodder.

"I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?"

The perfect man.

They talk about male display behavior in animals, where they show off what they’ve got. Human men do this, too, usually preceded by “Hey! Look at THIS!” (Thanks, Eva!)

The Social Issues Research Center’s Guide to Flirting.

Flirting test.

There are lots of ways to see the beauty in even ugly guys.

You like romantic sex. For you, it's not all too much about being horny - it's more an expression of how you feel about your partner(s). It's an experience that you can share -- that you can experience and enjoy together.

'What is the best type of sex for you?' at

A HAPPY ENDING (Thanks, April!)

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Personal Dumpster, a video made of photos from Yahoo Personals.

Mamacita suggested that I try Great Boyfriends, a site where you not only find available guys, but also get recommendations from other women! I was kind of skeptical, since a lot of those guys are recommended by an ex. If he was so great, why didn't YOU stay with him? But some are recommended by a sister, or sister-in-law, or a co-worker who is forbidden to date him. That makes it a little easier to handle. I would LOVE to meet a guy just like my brother, who is perfect except that he procrastinates (you notice the new artwork on this site? Me neither). But I can't recommend him, he's happily married.

Your Toes Should Be Pink

You love to dress girly and work your feminine charms, with a bit of an edge.

Your ideal guy: Is confident enough to get any girl he wants

Stay away from: Jerks who only see you as eye candy
If I were to design the perfect man, I would want one as experienced as Hoss, as talented as Driftglass, as smart as Carl, as charming as FTS, as fun as Prydwen, as handy as Nick, as serene as Ed, as cheerful as JB, as passionate as CC, as technosavvy as Kirby, as steadfast as Joel, as sexy as Rocky Jay, as funny as Hale McKay, as brave as Phil Jacobsen, as cute as Havril, with the faith of ER, who looks like Jacek. Thats not asking too much, is it?

Thought for today: Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Monday, April 24, 2006


You can’t beat the loyalty of a dog, unless you count MY dog, who decided a few months ago that she’d rather live with the neighbors. She sits out in their front yard all day, and when I drive past, she stares at me. I swear she’s laughing! After I took her in off the street, allowed her to birth EIGHT puppies in my dining room, then got her spayed, bathed, and trained... this is the thanks I get? I guess that’s why they call a dog MAN’s best friend, because she sure doesn’t care much for this woman.

Be that as it may (whatever that means, I've used that phrase all my life), people love their dogs. I've had a few good dogs in my life, so I know they exist. Besides, there's enough dogs on the net to convince anyone they must be worthwhile. At least, some of them.

100 Greatest Dogs of Pop Culture history.

This is sad. You can walk your dog and pretend you have someone’s hand to hold.

Puppy monorail. (Thanks, Kirby!)

Personal ad.

When a dog has a bar mitzvah, its called a Bark Mitzvah.

Singing Dog. This is clever and cute.

COLD WATER (Thanks, Wendy!)

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks.

He asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

He said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

If you had a pet store that specializes in dogs, what would you name it?

Vote for the World’s Ugliest Dog. Warning: ugly.

Dogs in Bee Costumes.

Gallery of dogs wearing shawls.


Reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. - Franklin P.

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Tming

Here's a site for all things dog, Dogster.

Blog of the Day: Larry Olaf. Be sure to read his profile.


Game: Don’t shoot the puppy!

Songs to make Dogs Happy.

Look, I taught my dog how to beg! >

Previously on Miss Cellania: Our Pets

Thought for today: Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.