Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Mars and Venus: Semantics




Gender differences have always fascinated me. How about you? I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men, and I AM a woman. Generalizations are only intended for humor, we all know there are way more difference among men and women than there between men and women. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun. And leave a comment!



Did you know?
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!


AND THEN THERE IS THE COMPUTER

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. Picky, picky, picky.
  6. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
  7. Beauty is only shell deep.
  8. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
  9. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
  10. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
  11. Smalltalk is important.
  12. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
  13. They make you take the garbage out.
  14. Miss a period and they go wild!!!
  15. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.












However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Reasons to believe computers are male:

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

  2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  3. A better model is always just around the corner.
  4. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
  5. It is always necessary to have a backup.
  6. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  7. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
  8. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  9. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
  10. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
  11. Size does matter!
Karla has an additional one-liner on the above.


MORE MALE AND FEMALE TRANSLATIONS (Thanks, Joe!)

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

A VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE

FTS on, hmm.. not exactly semantics, but word usage: Quantity vs. quality.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"




Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Woman Things
Mars and Venus: Man Things
Mars and Venus: Education
Mars and Venus: Advantages
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said


Thought for today: Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Behind every successful woman, there is a man looking at her butt.

6 comments:

Saur♥Kraut said...

*LOL* I love the mouse! Do they have a male version with a potbelly?

LZ Blogger said...

These are all pretty funny (just like ALL of your posts). But, I do see a little sexual bias on these particular ones. Or maybe it's just because "I hold everything in, and you can see right through me!" ~ jb///

Miss Cellania said...

's OK, JB. You have to remember, I don't write the biggest part of these jokes... none of them today. I just MC them!

MC, get it, its a lame joke...

Master of Ceremonies
Miss Cellania

bozette said...

Thank You for stopping by I am honored.
I read your blog every morning. It makes my day. It is the first thing I do when getting out of bed. Well almost got to have the COFFEE first

TSB said...

Where in the world do you find the time to find all this stuff? This was very funny...all of it!

FTS said...

I'm sorry.. you were saying something...?