Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year's Eve

There will be no New Year parties for me this year! I went to a party last year. It was the first party I’d been to in quite a few years (excepting the kids’ birthdays). I was the only guest there. The host couple had invited everyone they knew, but no one showed up. Several times during the night, the dog would bark, and the hostess would say “Someone’s here!” But after checking, she would say it must be the fireworks that made him bark. Yeah. I still suspect there were several folks who drove up, saw my vehicle, and left. Anyway, the three of us had a good time (what I can remember of it). But I wouldn’t jinx anyone’s party this year, even if anyone HAD invited me!

No, this New Year’s Eve, I will be surfing the net, sipping coffee and Comfort, watching fireworks on TV, and giving my sleeping kids a kiss. What are YOU doing this evening?

I got a great New Year greeting, one worth passing on to all of you. Perfect music for the occassion, too. (Thanks, Wendy!)


Watch the ball drop on the Times Square Webcam.
Easy New Year jigsaw puzzle for kids.
New Year fireworks video from the Eiffel Tower.
Great fireworks at the World Pyro Olympics. Check the gallery for available video.
Shooting guns into the air to celebrate.
Let Yoda keep you informed of the time.
Wikipedia list of calendars.
New Years eCards.
New Year greeting featuring cows.
Groovin Granny greeting.
Traditional food and Party Tips.

Plan ahead! If you are going to drink this New Year's Eve, then either stay at home, sleep it off at your host's home, walk home, or take a designated driver, like this cowboy did.



2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2002: I will read 5 books a year.
2003: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2004: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2005: I will read at least one article this year.
2006: I will try and finish the comics section this year.


2000: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2003: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2004: I will work out 5 days a week.
2005: I will work out 3 days a week.
2006: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.


2000: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2002: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2003: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2004.
2004: I will be totally out of debt by 2005.
2005: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2006.
2006: I will try to be out of the country by 2007.


2003: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2004: I will not leave Marge.
2005: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.


2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2005: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.


2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.


2003: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2005: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Charlie.


2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2005: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2006: I will not miss any AA meetings.


2003: I will see my dentist this year.
2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2005: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.


2003: I will go to church every Sunday.
2004: I will go to church as often as possible.
2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Computer Nerd Resolutions

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Thought for today: Seems like this blog is one of the more positive things of 2005. I’ve had fun putting it together, I’ve learned a lot, and made quite a few friends. A big THANKS to all my sources, contributors, advisors, commenters, linkers, and readers! Happy New Year!

Friday, December 30, 2005

The Lists of 2005

December 30, the penultimate day on the calendar, when we look back at the old year and look ahead to a brand new opportunity to screw things up again in 2006. In my world, 2005 happened to be a year with no births, deaths, weddings, divorces, or adoptions in my family. My brother and his brood finally moved into the Money Pit house, but its not exactly finished yet. When it is, he can assemble the email updates and write a really funny book about the process of building on undeveloped land as your own contractor. It would involve legislation, injuries, crime, and heavy equipment failure akin to this.

In my home, the biggest event of the year was a property dispute where I lost my driveway, part of the garden, and all my privacy. And unless lightning strikes today, I’ve managed to go the entire year without a date. So lets put a cork in 2005. Where you stick it is up to you!

The end of the year brings us all kinds of lists reminding us what happened in the past year. I’ve assembled some that may bring a smile to your face, or even make you think.

CNNs Year in Review 2005.

TIME magazine’s best photos of the year.

From YesButNoButYes, the most Memorable Quotes of 2005.

Top Ten Conservative Idiots.

The Top 10 GOP Sound Bites.

Dubya’s Year In Review, from JibJab.

Video: Stephen Colbert on Dubya’s past year.

The funniest political videos, the top ten political humor videos, and the funniest political pictures of the year. Most of these have been featured on Miss Cellania.

The Year in Media Errors and Corrections,

From popular Science: Best new technology of 2005.

The Weirdest Tech of 2005.

The Worst Tech Moments of 2005, from Wired News.

2005's 10 Sexiest Geeks, also from Wired News.

Recap of the Year In Science.

Top Cryptozoology stories of 2005. If you don’t know what cryptozoology is, you NEED to read this.

Top Ten Videos of 2005 From National Geographic News. Talk about fascinating!

The Most Interesting Webcams of 2005. You probably want to bookmark this!

The 100 Most Annoying People of 2005.

From Forbes, this year’s Richest People.

The Year in Celebrity Babies, from iVillage.

Sports Illustrated’s Pictures of the Year, and Turkeys of the Year.

Overused Words of 2005.

Roger Ebert’s Ten Best Films of 2005. I haven’t seen any of these. I need to get out more.

The Worst Movies of 2005. I haven’t seen any of these, either.

Instead of putting a list of the best music of the year, I’ll just give you the directions for making your own list. Because I, like, don't have the time for that kind of stuff. Totally. Totally.

This is labeled Top 50 Music Videos of 2005, but its a subjective subject. What's really cool is that the list is linked to the actual videos! It will take me some time to watch them all, but the ones I've seen are AWESOME.

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

While we are on the subject of music, here are a couple of lists that have nothing to do with 2005, but you might wanna take a look at the Worst Album Covers of all time and More Worst Album Covers. And heres a couple of more all-time lists that I had laying around: The 50 Worst Men’s Hairstyles of all time, and the MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards.

David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party

1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed..
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones.
3. There's a "Happy 1995" sticker on the packete of shrimp you've been eating all night.
4. It's January 6th.
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm.
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000.
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop.
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer.

There is no number ten. This list was defective when I found it. I will take suggestions!

Thought for today: Every calendar's days are numbered.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Mars and Venus: Education

Time for another post in this recurring series. Now, as I've sworn before, I LOVE men. I also have a HIGH respect for women. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are BETWEEN men and women as a group. The stereotypes can by funny, though, so I'll throw out the jokes when I find them. The subject today is education. What we know, what we don’t know, and what we want each other to learn.

(Thanks, Wulfweard!)

10. Women have breasts

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

Things women should know about men.

Things men should know about women.


Once again, the female staff of the University will be offering courses to men, regardless of marital status. Please note that the name of some courses have recently been changed. Attendance to at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. The seminars are in great demand, so please register early.


* Economics

o 101: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

o 102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas- Give Us Jewelry or Money

* English

o 101: Spelling- Even You Can Get It Right

o 102: The Attainable Goal- Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary

o 110: How Not to Act Like an Jerk When You're Obviously Wrong

* Environmental Studies

o 101: Garbage- Getting It to the Curb

o 102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom

o 103: You Can Do Housework, Too

o 104: How to Fill an Icetray

o 105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (must be taken concurrently with Environmental Studies 106)

o 106: Learning to Aim- It Can Be Done (must be taken with ES 105)

* Health

o 102: Parenting- It Doesn't End With Conception (also Psych 102)

o 103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

o 104: Changing Your Underwear- It Really Works

o 110: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

o 201: Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson- Especially When You're Naked (also Psych 201)

* Leisure Studies

o 101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

o 102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost

o 110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes

* Psychology

o 100: Combating Stupidity

o 101: PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

o 102: see Health 102

o 103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am

o 104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children

o 111: Give Me a Break- Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull

o 201: see Health 201

o 250: Learning Self-Control- How Not to Pick Your Nose or Adjust Yourself in Public

* Sociology

o 101: YOU- The Weaker Sex

o 102: Reasons to Give Flowers

o 115: Why Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

o 210: Male Bonding- How to Leave Your Friends At Their Homes

* Textiles and Apparels

o 101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silk)

o 102: I'll Wear It If I Darn Well Please

o 104: Yes, They Really Smell After Being Worn More Than Once


In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

The following courses will be offered:

General Education:

GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

GE104: How to Parallel Park

GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:

HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

Previously on Miss Cellania:
Mars and Venus: Advantages
Mars and Venus: Procedures
Mars and Venus: Introduction
Mars and Venus: Dictionary
Mars and Venus: he said, she said

Thought for today: No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


This post was inspired by the annual Snowbird Exodus down I-75. For every car going north, there are maybe ten going south. It happens every year. Soon as the grandkids leave after Christmas, they hop in their cars and RVs in Ontario, Michigan, Ohio, or other cold places and head to Florida. We won't see them again til about April.

Driving the mamamobile is such a way of life that it took a New York City mass transit strike to remind me that there are some places in America where not everyone drives a car. I spend all too much time in the car, ferrying the kids around, getting to work, and driving for hours just to get a good Indian meal. I can still walk downtown, but there's not much to walk to there anymore, thanks to urban sprawl (even in small towns). I once lived within walking distance of my workplace. I didn't move, the job did. Still, I can consider myself lucky to drive only three miles to work. Some folks spend as much time in their cars as they do on the job! And, of course, some folks drive for a living.

You are driving the taxi here, but you don’t have to drive it well!

All commuters, at one time or another, have though they could design a better freeway. Put yourself to the test with Me and The Roads, the Java road-building game.

Just how much CAN you cheat when using a toll road? (Thanks, Thor!)

Commuting for beginners.

If you ever have to go to traffic school for road violations, don’t put down any of these answers on your test.

Traffic violations aren’t easy for the police, either. I am amazed at this trooper's patience!

This is a good place to repost the phone conversation of a guy witnessing an accident and the road rage that follows. Old, but still funny!

Accidental Accident Reports

These are statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.


Always replace the pump nozzle after fueling up.

Don't play chicken at a toll booth.

Do not block a fireplug with your luxury car.

Keep a safe distance while following a police car.


It seems that the state of Ohio decided that too many unskilled labourers from the neighbouring Commonwealth of Kentucky were taking too many jobs away from native Ohioans. To stem this tide, authorities set up a checkpoint on the Cincinnati side of the Ohio River and dispatched state troopers to patrol the Roebling Bridge that connected the two states along Interstate 75.

The troopers at the checkpoint station began to stop cars at random and inquire into motorists' motives in driving into the Buckeye State. The first car stopped belonged to a medical school graduate who, on request, presented his credentials, and explained that he was driving to an awaiting internship at a large Cleveland Hospital. Deciding medicine was a respectable field, the cops waved the young doctor through. In similar fashion, the troopers stopped a second motorist. Upon learning that the driver was an accomplished architect, the troopers, likewise, waved him through, determining that architecture was also a worthy profession. A third motorist explained he was driving into Ohio to seek employment and that he was a pilot. Figuring there was always a need for pilots, the state police waved him through.

The troopers stop the very next car. "License and registration, please," instructed the senior trooper, "And state your business in seeking entry into Ohio."
"I'm looking for work," responded the hapless Kentuckian.
"What kind of work do you do?"
"I cut kindling.
"Oh, no!" the state trooper remonstrated, "No more hillbillies coming in here and taking all the jobs!"
"What do you mean by 'hillbillies'?" the motorist protested, "You just done let my brother in the car ahead of me come through!"
"--Because your brother said he was a pilot!"
"That's right...and he can't 'pile-it' less'n I cut it!"

Thought for today: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Busy Links

Happy Hanukah! I found out there are 16 ways to spell Hanukah (I chose the simplest). Happy Kawnzaa! And a joyous Boxing Day! Now, there's a holiday I never really undertood, and still don't. But happy merry anyway.

I managed to visit all the family members and eat myself into a stupor for Christmas. I also cleaned up on gifts, including a DIGITAL CAMERA! (Thanks, Mom!) I am going to be dangerous now! Or at least as soon as I figure out how to use it, which may be quite a while. My daughters received on obscene amount of gifts. The elder now has a collection of new Barbie movies and dolls, and the younger has every Star Wars toy ever imagined. I'm so glad we don't give New Years gifts!

Some days you just don’t want to get out of bed.

Do you know what they are doing at Saddam’s trial? They are playing games!

The All Too Flat guys turned a Manhattan sculpture into a Rubik’s Cube.

How to keep an idiot busy.

Apartment living can get you down, as illustrated in the cartoon Neuro.

Latest celebrity blog discovery: The Pope.

OK, these folks are going to make an attempt at altering the earth’s orbit. They think this can happen if enough people jump up and down at the same time. That time will be on July 20, 2006 at 11:39AM GMT.

I hope this is totally unrelated, but I also found complete instructions on how to destroy the earth.

I want this cool as ice Laser Chess game!

Air Traffic Controller transmissions that make you day "hmmm".

Sometimes I honestly believe that a liscence should be issued before anyone can post something on the internet. Case in point: the story I Like Monkeys.

Homemade bagpipes.

Online store: White Trash Palace.

Dancing Paul.

Sanjeev, down at the Nevashut Convenience Store, is getting pretty bored on the all-night shift. Maybe you can help him out.


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,

"You brought pavement?"


During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instructions in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations
in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "Big, Fast Ones!"

Anyone up for a caption contest here?


A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the
gentleman with.

The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

Thought for today: If you knew what was going on, you'd be very confused.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Joy To The World

1 And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a
decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.

2 (And this taxing was first made when
Cyrenius was
governor of Syria.)

3 And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5 To be taxed with Mary his
espoused wife, being great with child.

6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him
in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and
the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidin
gs of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11 For unto you is born this day
in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13 And suddenly there was w
ith the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

15 And it came to pass, as the angels
were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16 And they came with haste, and found Mary, and
Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

17 And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

18 And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

19 But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

Text with links found at Christian Answers. Although newer translations are considered to be closer to the original, I prefer the majestic poetry of the King James Version for the Christmas story.

Thought for today: ...and on earth, peace, good will toward men.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

The 12 Posts of Christmas

Its Christmas Eve! So much to do, wrapping, cooking, baking, visiting, napping, bathing, there just ain't much time for blogging right now, so I'll recap the last month or so I've spent on the topic of Christmas. Also, I got this song in my inbox... White Christmas. Consider it my Christmas card to you! You might also like Christmas Zoom or The Water Skiing Santa Show.

Christmas Links for Kids
Christmas Fun
A Dog's Christmas
A Dubya Christmas
Santa Claus
A Cat's Christmas
Holiday Eating
Holiday Shopping Guide
Holiday Shopping Guide II
Christmas in Japan
Christmas Decorations

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas Links for Kids

I had so many Christmas fun links that I had to split them somewhere. So I put the ones children as well as adults may enjoy here, though parents may want to preview them first. Some can be annoying! My kids have had quite a bit of fun with these, which interferes with their homework AND my internet time. While they are online, I have to resort to (shudder) housework! OH THE HORROR!

Ahem. Back to to Christmas. At left is my older daughter in her elf costume for the Christmas play a couple weeks ago. She was so excited to have a speaking part! Among her other lines, she called Santa Claus an “old Geezer”. Chip off the old block, she is. My other daughter has spent the last couple of weeks using up all my gift wrap, scotch tape, and boxes to wrap things I already own so she can give them to me on Christmas. When she runs out of tape, she goes back to all the virtual snowman sites I had here a few days ago.

Virtual Christmas snowglobe you can shake!

Christmas carol generator. Select a song, or construct your own and send it to friends. My daughter (the Star Wars nerd) picked out this song.

Christmas jigsaw puzzle. Not as difficult as it looks.

Musical Christmas postcards
you can send to your friends.

Request a Christmas Carol from the Singing Chins.

An old, but seriously beautiful Christmas ecard.

This card is beautiful, too. Clicking one of the animations will lead you from page to page, just be sure to give it some load time.

Everything you didn’t know about the TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Fascinating reading!

This is called Grow Ornament. I don't understand it, but its cute. I should ask my kids what it is.

Christmas Elf Name

My Christmas Elf Name is
Get your Christmas Elf Name at

Don't forget to follow Santa's takeoff and trajectory at Norad tracks Santa. The downloads page has a lot of fun stuff! Send your last-minute email to Santa throught the North Pole website. For a fast response, try this site. (Thanks, Wendy!)

Santa's blog has stories and other Christmas fun.

This story of a little dog who wants a home for Christmas came in too late for the Dog' Christmas post, but it will fit here just fine.

You know how some people sing the wrong words to Christmas carols? Thats called a mondegreen. Here’s a list of the funniest ones.

And here’s some more, from grade school kids.

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Lots more kid’s jokes, information, projects, and stuff at Santa’s Christmas Page.

Thought for Today: There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. -Erma Bombeck

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Christmas Fun

My goodness gracious, check out the imaginative and festive decorations some people are sporting this year!

I still have a lot of stuff that either didn’t fit in with the ten subjects of Christmas, or else came in to late for the appropriate category. Too much for one day (even after I discarded half of it), so tomorrow I’ll post a special kid’s version of Christmas links.

Make your last-minute requests to Santa through the direct line to the North Pole! Try this, it IS funny.

Its A Wonderful Internet is the internet version of Its A Wonderful Life, an interactive tale complete with levers and pulltabs for the illustrations.

Star Wars Christmas Carols.

Larry the Cable Guy reads a politically correct version of the Night Before Christmas.

Chaos Kitty presents a rather silly holiday game. You’ll giggle when it starts to go really fast!

There's a whole lot of Bad Santas out there.

Sing along with your chef in Ding Fries Are Done. (Thanks, ER!)

A Christmas Story reenacted by the angry alien bunnies, and their old classic, Its A Wonderful Life.

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.

Why You're Naughty:
That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.

Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Classic SNL sketch, The Narrator That Ruined Christmas.

Simon Sez Santa
will do your bidding, along the lines of the “subserviant whatever” series.

Christmas-remembering 9/11 (the Binch video)

A Christmas trivia quiz. I only missed the first question.

A real moldy oldie you may enjoy: I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas.

YesButNoButYes put out a top ten list of overdone decorations. Even better is their list of Christmas Presents You Shouldn't Buy.

John Stewart’s take on the War on Christmas. That one's funny, but this one is serious.

On a serious note, if you've put off buying a gift til the last minute, because the givee is one of those folks who has everything already, show your love by reading this, and make a purchase.


It was early December and I was at the airport, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage, I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."


"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."


"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

THE FOLLOWING MAY BE DISTURBING Yeah, like the previous links weren’t? NOT WORK SAFE or CHILD SAFE

White Trash Christmas. (Thanks, Joe!)

The 12 Diseases of Christmas. (thanks, Carl!)

The Mistletoe and Meat Christmas Calendar.

What do you get when you remix A Christmas Story as a horror film? A Christmas Gory.

No Christmas for You! A rant about politically correct holidays.

Lovable Louise, The Inflatable Doll

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"

Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
"It's a doll." replied my brother.
"Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"
"Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless.

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure.

Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...

Thought for today: If there really is a pole at the North Pole, I bet there's some dead explorer guy with his tongue stuck to it.